Something Weird

I'm a guy of routine. Everything that I do has to have some kind of order planned out before I can execute them. When I go to the gym, I have to know what my workout order will be for the day and what machines will I be using, or I wont get much done. If somebody is using the machine I wanna use, I just wait for him to be done before I can move on with other sets. Unlike others, I can’t just skip that set and move on then come back to do it. When I study, I have to set a time limit before I can start and how much I have to cover in that time scope. That’s why its hard for me to hit the books if I know I have less then 2 hours of study time ahead, 2 hours is the minimum limit for me.

Same goes for when I sleep. I have a set routine I go through before I sleep every night. Usually I’ll take my final cigarette for the day on my balcony, then wash my face and clean up. I'll then set the alarm for the next day, set the timer off for the air-con, check my phone if it needs charging, make sure my water bottles by my bed, switch off the lights then go to sleep. I cant sleep with the lights on.

So it was weird to find the lights on the next day when I woke up yesterday. I remembered opening my eyes groggily and the first thing that struck my mind was why the lights were on. There was no way anybody could have come into my room because I lock my doors when I’m in my room and they were still locked when I went to check. Was a little freaked out. Maybe I’m starting to sleep walk again? I used to do that when I was little. I don’t even want to think of the other explanation!

________________________________

I know it’s a bit late, but I’ve found a gem in Jem. I'd wanted to download her album for ages but never got around to doing it till a few days back and I have to say I love it! Thumbs up to Missing You. Such a perfect song for those still hung up about a lost love or an ex. I can just see myself sitting in the dark with that song playing on loop. But seriously go download that song and check it out. My description does it no justice.

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

My Gay Straight Friend

My friend recently went to Langkawi to celebrate Christmas.

He came back bearing gifts.

One of them was a pack of rose flavored cigarettes, all pink in color including the sticks themselves. The excitement on his face when he pulled those out, hilarious. Addy sometimes i swear you're so gay!

Merry Christmas

I cant believe how hard it is to find a nice picture of a christmas tree online! So u guys will just have to settle for some nice shiny balls instead. I'm sure some of you know how to appreciate it.

MERRY
CHRISTMAS!

Hurts Like A Bitch

They say a person learns through pain.

This is definately one lesson i'm never going to forget!

Pull all 10 fingers away from the car door before slamming it shut!

..........

..........

Dont rub it in, I know!

I Want My Bed!

Ugh...i cant believe i'm actually up at 9AM on my HOLIDAYS!

Damn you exams!

Cant wait for it to end.

Stupid Mistake

Too dear a friend
i fear you are
through thick and thin
you saw me through
the years of pain
the joys of life
those childish games
that passed us by

Oh what a fool!

to hurt you so
to see you cry
those silent tears
you hide inside
need only ask
for a moments rest
eternity long
i'll make you laugh

Dont go i pray
dont pull away
too much we've said
dont let it fade
The heart that breaks
will mend again
let time erase
and heal in place

i love you so
oh dont you know
those words i've said
weren't meant to hold
throw it away
like a summer breeze
find solace
and forgiveness please
because you know
as its been told
please dont go
i love you so

Straight Fun

It all started off with free tickets. Have I told you I’m a sucker for free stuff? Well now u know :P

Anyway a friend of mine had some free tickets to BED. Free flow of alcohol promised - what more can a guy ask for! Obviously we went, although it was gonna be 3 guys. Mind you BED is a straight club, and its been awhile since i last stepped into one, so of course i was hesitant at first. I find straight clubs so boring now after discovering gay ones, but one of the guy going was cute so...what the hell! Plus we're pretty good buddies n he needed the company. Wont complain.

All in all, the party was great. What made the night eventful tho was when my friend got hit on by this girl. Now i can officially say I’ve been bought drinks by a girl :P Although not really, she bought us ALL drinks but wat the hell. We felt like such whores when she did, but a gentleman never complains about free drinks...or at least thats what I say. Funny thing tho, she did ask me if i was gay! I've been led to believe that I’m really straight acting by many, so what gave it away?!?!

AM I THAT OBVIOUS?!

I have to admit I’ve been quite lax in my pretence these days as I’ve grown more comfortable being myself and not having to hide myself anymore. I think the times finally come where i don’t really bother who knows and who doesn’t. So far life has been good to me. All the people who discovered about me, or me coming out to them, have been cool about it. Helps me embrace my sexuality.

There was a time i was really uncomfortable with even the thought of being gay. Never in my life had i imagined things turning out to be like this. In the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that friends are probably the easiest to come out to. Its the parents now that I’m afraid. However, that’s not going to happen anytime soon so I’m not really giving a thought about it for now.

Plus i got to listen to Cosmic Space Monkeys spin. Oh to see the super hunky JoeyG spin...heaven *drools* And they definitely spinned some pretty good shit tonight. I look forward to the next event that they have, straight or not!

Well, i need to head to MY bed now. Gonna crash so hard.

Hope u guys had a good weekend!



ps : There was this really good dancer there. OMG to see him strut his stuff...unbelievable. He had this funky dreadlocks going on but to see him dance...takes the meaning of mesmerizing to a whole new level! Wish i got to know him. U go guy!

Some Serenity Please

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


My heart has been in a state of unrest lately. Maybe it’s because of exams, or maybe it’s something else.

Sometimes I look back at the person I was before and think if maybe I should have just stayed the way I was. Life was much simpler then, and so was I. There were a lot of things I wouldn’t care about back then that takes precedent in my life now, more then I would like it to. But although things may have been better in the past, perhaps the transition is needed in order for us to truly find ourselves. Change is a requirement in this journey of life.

I guess I’m just afraid that one day I might lose myself amidst all the changes happening. Bad decisions that have brought about harsh consequences, and thus making me doubt myself occasionally. Looking back, I don’t think I really made an effort to stick to the infamous New Year Resolutions for the year, and now another new year is fast approaching.

The conclusion?

I think I’m just experiencing exam jitter right now. No amount of effort or time seems to be enough with the impending date closing in quick. I need more hard work!

Yes i know. My thoughts are everywhere.

Wish me luck!

Crash

too much mixed emotions
my mind grows confused
i wish i could see
the world as it was before
to know where i stand
to know where to step
but things are constantly changing
i just cant keep up
old demons arises
rekindling fire
to see the past in present
a muddle of time and emotion


Sometimes i wish i had all the answers.

With A Heavy Heart

I cant believe he's going to stop blogging! He was one of the very first gay blogs i stumbled across and his ever so entertaining posts has kept me hooked eversince. Its like reliving the end of Friends all over again.

If anybody needs me, i'll be in my room rocking myself to sleep asking 'Why!'. I think i'm having withdrawal syndrome.

Goodbye Jay, the internet is going to be alot less bright now with one more star saying goodbye.

Something Peculiar

Last night while waiting in the car for someone in ss2, this lady comes up to my window and knocks on it. She was probably in her early twenties, fair, and quite pretty.

At first i was reluctant to answer as the windows to that side of the car cant go down (thanks alot proton!) so the only way to listen to what shes gotto say is to open the car door. I tell you the amount of kooks knocking at your window these days, its best to be on the side of caution. But in the end, being the nice guy that i am, i opened the door to find out what she wanted.

Well this young pretty girl immediately went of rambling some long shit in chinese. Now i'm what you would call a banana, my vocab only limited to 'Have you eaten?' and 'How are you?'. Of course i've also learned to say 'I'm sorry i dont understand chinese' through the years of constant usage. So obviously i told her that, i dont understand what you're trying to say to me but she's persistant and just goes yes yes i know but blah blah blah....

Ok so i'm not exactly a complete moron in chinese la, i do understand some basic words. I could barely make out what she wanted and from my understanding, she and her mum are from China, just came to Msia, not enough money to eat, something about her dad coming tomorrow. So i figured she was asking money to eat. At that time her mum comes into the picture. I looked at her and she gave me this wave and a smile.

At this point in time i start thinking to myself, is this a scam? Because it really sounds like one to get me parted from my money, and i really love my money. So many things to buy this time around, so little money. But then again, what if it wasnt? I mean this poor (literally) girl and her mum would starve for the night. Damn i hate it when people put me in these kind of situations!

In the end, i just gave her 10 bucks. I figured i could afford to lose 10 bucks if it was a scam, but it would be able to feed the both of them incase her sob story was real. However, after handing them the money, she continued on talking and asking me something i couldnt understand. Luckly my friend came back to the car just in time so she had to move away from the window. After my friend entered i just gave that girl a polite shake of the head, waved and drove off.

I wonder if i was scammed? Hmm...

On the bright side, i won 30 bucks from mahjong that night so all's well again.

Schmutsy Artsy

I've never considered myself an artistic person. Although i do portray some traits of it as my friends tell me, it has always been limited to doodles and paintings done wayyy back in high school when we had art lessons. That was my favourite subject and i remember spending most of my time working on our projects more then any other subjects i had.

I remember my mother finally buying me this new set of water colour once , the one that comes in a blue box (Bunco? Something like that), and i was really really really ecstatic about it, like having my first orgasm, only better. Oh how i took care of those tiny colourful bottles, carefully using a spatula each time i needed a a little paint and then carefully wiping it clean before scooping out another colour. I used to be such an uptight ass! (Still am, which ever the context you're thinking of!)

The best part was, i even got angry at someone for mucking up the colours when he didnt clean the spatula he used and got some green in the blue. Man, was he shocked! Ask anybody who knew me back then and you'll know that i'm a very placid person and would hardly ever get angry over anything. So to get over such matter...the guy still remembers this incident till today.

Anyway as i was saying, i like art. The only reason i watch ANTM is solely for the photoshoots that they have and nothing more. I love the way those girls would strike a pose, the colours of the make-up, the funky hairdos and of course, the final photo outcome. Somehow a photograph is able to stir emotions that even words cant. Looking at magazines, i find myself staring enviously at the way the photographer manages to capture not just a stunning picture, but with every shadow evoking a different sensation.

Besides photography, a dear friend of mine also sparked my interest recently in a very talented singer/songwriter/artist by the name of Brandon Boyde. That dude from Incubus is actually one hell of a talent all moulded together. Browsing through some of the artworks that he's done over the years, i really wish i had the capabilities to produce drawings like that. Given the chance, i'd like to pick his brains and find out whats his inspiration (although Incubus fans out there would already know what it is). But for now, i can only sit at my computer and just adore him from a far.






Thats one of his artwork that i really like, and i'm considering to get it tattooed on my back. Wonder what my mum will say this time! She took the last one pretty well but i dont want to push it too far. Hmm...

Of Broken Words And Dreams

A promise is a powerful tool, use it wisely and great are the benefits to reap. But should you break them, you run the risk of breaking the heart of someone you care as well as losing that trust they've placed in you, and losing trust is much harder to get back then making a promise.

Why then do we make promises that even we doubt we'll keep? Even if its to assure somebody at some point in time, shouldnt we at least give it a thought before we utter those powerful words out loud? After all, we've all seen the damages of a broken promise! The promise to stay faithful, the promise to never see somebody again, the promise to forever love you, the promise to wait...how is one expected to ever put any weight in your words again if everything you've ever said never reflected how you truly felt?

Its so easy to say words isnt it? After all, thats how we communicate. We depend on people to express how they feel in order to judge the situation and make decisions. But amidst all the lies and deceit that infects the world now, it takes much more to believe in a person then it used to. Doesnt have to be an intentional lie, its just we've lost the art of really saying what we mean and meaning what we say. I guess with these kind of people we learn who they really are through their actions more because boy i can tell you, some of them can really say sweet meaningful things that will make your heart melt. Now, they just make my heart cringe!

______________________________

Its the simplicity of you that captivates my heart. Driving home last night with you resting on my shoulder, i guess it was always how i'd imagine things would be like with someone i love. Somehow you brought back the spark in me i thought i'd lost a long time ago. But just like people having dreams of a house with a garden and a picket fence, a dream is all its going to be. I'm not ready for anything and neither are you.

"Brought together by fate
kept apart by time"

Sometimes i wonder if its fear that brings us together or fear that tears us apart. The many tribulations of being gay.

Party People

Your heart beats in anticipation as you travel in the car. You know what the destination brings. Beneath the laughter and the jokes, lies the steady rhythm that cannot wait to be one with the music, to absorb its energy, and release it with a bang. You know its gonna be a great night.

Big strides as you confidently walk up those stairs. Already you can hear the thumping of the beat, that constant dub that makes your pulse race, and it grows louder as if calling your name. Heads turn as you enter, checking you out. You know you own the dance floor. And sex is the last thing on your mind, only the music. Thats all that matters. Thats all you're here for!

Ok so i went for Blackout at La Queen. Was abit hesitant at first, as me and another friend thought it was gonna be some dodgy night with no lights and plenty of groping going on. On the other hand, it did intrigue me as well. I've yet to go to a themed party night so i decided to make my debut, and quite a good one too i might add! Music was exceptional, and the DJ did play a couple of my favourite songs. Plus i got dragged up to the podium by some friends. Really, i dont know where i get the nerves to do this kind of things sometimes, but when the musics pumping, i get this natural high and it strips me off my reservations! Its bad i know!

So finally and hopefully with 2 nights of clubbing off my chest i hope to get back in gear for exams and revision. I still dont get it how some uni's can even schedule exams to start from the second week of january. Dont they know Christmas and New Year's specially reserved for pure partying?! Plus we'll need a few days after that to recuperate as well! Some people just dont get it.

Anyway mondays here once again. Hope u guys had a good weekend. I cant wait for the next!

Killing Me Slowly

Sometimes even i think i'm a big idiot. Why else would i subject myself to tortureously slow moving traffic...by choice!

There i was driving back from gym when i spotted a very, very long queue leading down towards the infamous Federal Highway (seriously this highway clogs up at really unusual hours!). So i had a choice, to just go straight and take a back road home (just as near) or continue with current set route. Easy choice no? Well u can guess which option i took, and nope its wasnt the back road!

Somewhere along my 22yrs of living, a certain amount of patness crepted into my life without me realising it. Ever since then, i have urges to take fucking congested roads, just so i'd know whats causing it, if any. This curse of mine has since caused me much grief and has driven me to the point of insanity (periodically) but still, i never learn my lesson!

Lucky me i wasnt caught in this one for very long, probably 15 minutes, before i reached my turning. Unlucky me, i did not get to see the severity of the accident. One might think its pretty morbid of me to want to witness accidents, but i just cant help it. If anyone has any solution to my curse pls feel free to share it with me. I'm sick of being drawn to it, like a moth to the flame. God knows i dont need more stress in my life!


ps : Once again i'm so glad i dont like girls! Their indecisiveness irritates the shit out of me.

Like Boo boo's and Babies

If you go through the newspaper as thorough as my mum does, you would have probably come across a buy 1 get 1 free meal offer from Jacks Place some time ago. My mum loves these sort of things, like treasure hunting in the comfort of your own home. I think getting anything free from the newspaper gives her a thrill. One could see the excitement when she approached me the other day asking when i would be free to have lunch with her!

Mum : When are you free?
Me : Erm...it depends. Why? (*eyes her suspiciously)
Mum : Lets go have lunch at Jacks Place in SP.
Me : How on earth do u even know of that place??? And why so generous???
Mum : Ta da...(*shows coupon)
Me : *Faints

Anyway since I finished early today, I gave her a call to see if she was free to go lunch, and she was. I tell you, that coupon came at a blardy good time! I've only got 20 bucks left in my wallet and 4 more days to go before the next payday arrives (ie allowance la :P). Plus I figured if we had time I could drag her along shopping and maybe get some new clothes for Christmas too.

So there we were in SP and trying to find Jacks Place. I went to the directory to see where it was and found it...only the add was OB and not like GF (ground floor) or LL1 (lower level one). We hunted high and low for this obscure OB floor only to discover half hour later it meant Oasis Boulevard! I'm such an idiot sometimes! Well the food there wasnt that great...nothing spectacular. I had the Steak with Sambal sauce which I was quite reluctant to have actually...I mean sambal on steak?!?!?! Anyway turns out the sauce was alright but the steak....they might as well call it a lump of lard! Definitely not impressed. I hate it when they have a set lunch menu which is cheaper but give shit quality products!

After lunch we did walk about SP but it always frustrates me that I really cant shop everytime I'm with my mum! Its like a curse (which I think she's cast on me!) I just dont feel like going into any shop when she's around..sigh. So we left and while we were walking towards our car, which was pretty far, something amusing happened.

There was this car doing a reverse parking at the entrance to the carpark just under SP so naturally nobody could cross. Unfortunately, drivers in Msia are incapable of understanding this virtue called patience.

Honk!

*Car still reversing

Honk Honk!

Honk!

*Car still trying to parking. Poor car behind it still cant move anywhere. Meekly accepts the honks.

Honk!

Me and my mum smiled. Really, whats the point in honking? Do you think that the driver infront wont move on if he had no reason to stay? Plus those little staccato honks coming from various cars made it seem like someone was trying to compose a badly written tune. Not caring we walked on from the little scene. Suddenly the honks grew longer and more impatient. Then there were shouts! Both of us looked back again only to find two very pissed off car owners were coming out from their cars glaring fiercely at each other, fist clenched tightly. Obviously the car infront of the one honking couldnt take it anymore...and now there was a fight!


As the two guys were shouting


Me : See how immature grown ups can be too! Dont complain about me! Fighting over such little things. Lets go la. Mum?....Mum?....


I see my mum walking back towards the scene to get a better view!


Me : -.-


When my mum finally came back she was telling me how the guy in the first car went back in it to get some stick. There was a security guard there so I'm pretty sure he wont have the guts to even use it. Some people are so goddamn childish!

_______________________

Went swimming after that whole charade. Its been awhile since I last swam so it felt really good. I have to swim more often and go less to the gym. Building up too much and I dont think it looks good. I'm like that, always such a fickle minded person. No wonder I can never obtain the results I want, because I dont even know what results I want in the first place. Anyway this time I'm gonna just stick to swimming and jogging more, less gym. After all, I'm still mourning the loss of my Fitness First membership (okok so I only joined that one month trial thing! I'm cheap :P)

Anyway while I was in the shower I looked down and..gasp!

What the fuck?!?!

My legs and ass werent the same colour! I was seriously confused/worried at that time. I thought I'd cut circulation from my ass or something. Turns out it was a tan line! A fucking tan line! I've never had a tan line before...or at least nothing this obvious. Usually it kindda just fades from dark to light, but never like a line with two different tones. All this as a result from swimming for one hour 4-5pm. Hmm....i like! Lol

Vegetative State

Getting my inspiration from a certain someone,i decided to go on a detox-all-juice-one-day program as well. I've been feeling abit sluggish lately due to all those late nights and 5 hour sleep a day, not to mention flabby from lack of exercise, that i've decided to torture myself for one day. And torture it is! I cant tell you how sick i am of veg anymore and i suspect my body is protesting from the lack of meat and salt and everything else that has taste.

Lucky for me, i managed to get my hands on the complete second season of QAF before embarking on such an insane program so at least when my parents find me passed out on my bed due to severe lack of meat (yes i like my meat very much!), there would be this contented smile on my face. Of course the problem would be stopping them from taking a peak at my computer, which would by now probably be in screen saver mode, and discovering how much pleasure their son gets out of watching hot and sweaty bodies working it at shoddy clubs.

Ok i'm sorry, got kindda distracted there. But seriously, i think this is the last time i'm ever gonna think about detox diet again. My head feels woozy now that i'm not too sure if i'm even thinking straight. I have a feeling i'm not gonna last for dinner. Suddenly i'm having a craving for pizza. Damn!

Comicallysad

'Here's a riddle for ya
Find the answer'

Ironicly, this song was playing over and over again in my head as i sat for my programming test. Thing is i dont know who has the bigger riddle, me trying to answer the question, or her trying to decipher my answers.

___________________

After reading Jay's post on Wicked, i decided to download The Wizard of Oz to watch for myself. I've never realised it until my mum told me today, while we were watching the show, that i've not watched it before even as a child. I've only read the book. No wonder nothing looked familiar!


Me : How come i dont remember any of this?
Mum : Thats because u never watched this show before.
Me : I've such a deprived childhood!
Mum : Whatever.


Anyway back to the story, i loved the Munchkins! And i liked the song they sang too! And the way the house fell on the wicked witch of the east and you can see her feet still sticking out from under the house! Hillarious! Although i did find her voice abit irritating.

I dont know bout you guys but everytime i watch some old movie eg Sound of Music, i always get this warm fuzzy feeling inside. It makes me reminisce back to those long school breaks when me and my mum would huddle infront of the tv watching Disney channel and watch those classics that they always show and together we would laugh. Somewhere along the line, the laughter faded, grew more infrequent. Its sad.

Makes me wonder how things will be if i ever do come out to them. Sometimes i really want to just come clean and confess to them whenever they question me but just the thought of me causing them more pain is more than enough to stop me. I guess i'll just hold on to the peace for as long as i can before the storm hits home.

Screwed

'Why do girls make better engineers?

Because they can demolish an erection
without damaging it'

Did u get that? Well neither did i. Some old guy told me this joke while i was in the sauna today. I like to think of myself as a pretty friendly person, but sometimes a guy just need some quiet time, ya kno. I mean the room was freaking hot and i just wanted to rest and sweat away in peace after a hard workout but noo, he kept on rambling and asking questions even tho i kept giving him da smile! Everybody knows that you dont continue after getting da smile! Its universal! But being the nice guy that i am, i just kept on smiling and nodding my head. I'm such a softy i know (but not the kind you're thinking of right now!)

Anyway i have a small itsy bitsy tiny weeny programming test tomorrow which i am totally not prepared for...and i'm going out yum char. Talk about priorities.

Sigh...

Our Beloved Country

MALAYSIA'S been at it again, arguing about what proportion of the economy each of its two main races — the Malays and the Chinese — owns. It's an argument that's been running for 40 years. That wealth and race are not synonymous is important for national cohesion, but really it's time Malaysia grew up.

It's a tough world out there and there can be little sympathy for a country that prefers to argue about how to divide wealth rather than get on with the job of creating it.

The long-held aim is for 30 per cent of corporate equity to be in Malay hands, but the figure that the Government uses to justify handing over huge swathes of public companies to Malays but not to other races is absurd. It bases its figure on equity valued, not at market value, but at par value.

Many shares have a par value of say $1 but a market value of $12. And so the Government figure (18.9 per cent is the most recent figure) is a gross underestimate. Last month a paper by a researcher at a local think-tank came up with a figure of 45 per cent based on actual stock prices. All hell broke loose. The paper was withdrawn and the researcher resigned in protest. Part of the problem is that he is Chinese.

"Malaysia boleh!" is Malaysia's national catch cry. It translates to "Malaysia can!" and Malaysia certainly can. Few countries are as good at wasting money. It is richly endowed with natural resources and the national obsession seems to be to extract these, sell them off and then collectively spray the proceeds up against the wall.

This all happens in the context of Malaysia's grossly inflated sense of its place in the world.

Most Malaysians are convinced that the eyes of the world are on their country and that their leaders are world figures. This is thanks to Malaysia's tame media and the bravado of former prime minister Mahathir Mohamad. The truth is, few people on the streets of London or New York could point to Malaysia on a map much less name its prime minister or capital city.

As if to make this point, a recent episode of The Simpsons features a newsreader trying to announce that a tidal wave had hit some place called Kuala Lumpur. He couldn't pronounce the city's name and so made up one, as if no-one cared anyway. But the joke was on the script writers — Kuala Lumpur is inland.

Petronas, the national oil company is well run, particularly when compared to the disaster that passes for a national oil company in neighbouring Indonesia. But in some respects, this is Malaysia's problem. The very success of Petronas means that it is used to underwrite all manner of excess.

The KLCC development in central Kuala Lumpur is an example. It includes the Twin Towers, the tallest buildings in the world when they were built, which was their point.

It certainly wasn't that there was an office shortage in Kuala Lumpur — there wasn't.

Malaysians are very proud of these towers. Goodness knows why. They had little to do with them. The money for them came out of the ground and the engineering was contracted out to South Korean companies.

They don't even run the shopping centre that's beneath them. That's handled by Australia's Westfield.

Next year, a Malaysian astronaut will go into space aboard a Russian rocket — the first Malay in space. And the cost? $RM95 million ($A34.3 million), to be footed by Malaysian taxpayers. The Science and Technology Minister has said that a moon landing in 2020 is the next target, aboard a US flight. There's no indication of what the Americans will charge for this, assuming there's even a chance that they will consider it. But what is Malaysia getting by using the space programs of others as a taxi service? There are no obvious technical benefits, but no doubt Malaysians will be told once again, that they are "boleh". The trouble is, they're not. It's not their space program.

Back in July, the Government announced that it would spend $RM490 million on a sports complex near the London Olympics site so that Malaysian athletes can train there and "get used to cold weather".

But the summer Olympics are held in the summer.

So what is the complex's real purpose? The dozens of goodwill missions by ministers and bureaucrats to London to check on the centre's construction and then on the athletes while they train might provide a clue.

Bank bale outs, a formula one racing track, an entire new capital city — Petronas has paid for them all. It's been an orgy of nonsense that Malaysia can ill afford.

Why? Because Malaysia's oil will run out in about 19 years. As it is, Malaysia will become a net oil importer in 2011 — that's just five years

away.

So it's in this context that the latest debate about race and wealth is so sad.

It is time to move on, time to prepare the economy for life after oil. But, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, the Malaysian Government is more interested in stunts like sending a Malaysian into space when Malaysia's inadequate schools could have done with the cash, and arguing about wealth distribution using transparently ridiculous statistics.

That's not Malaysia "boleh", that's Malaysia "bodoh" (stupid).




Extracted from TheAge article


I have so much to comment, and i really want to voice my opinion on how much i agree with him, but i know that nothing will change. I've always tried to be supportive of our government, to try and understand the Malay sentiment about trying to take away their advantage. I dont really care about the fucking quota systems anymore, stopped complaining about how unfair it is for the other races that one gets so much more benefits while the others have to slog their whole life. But when i see things like this happening, the embarrassment is undeniable. How can we keep boasting of a nation with 3 main races living in harmony when in actual fact everybody knows its not true. There are discontent among many here in Malaysia, but everybodys just accepting it.

Its sad to see time and time again the government failing to make a braver stand and its sad to see our Malay brothers not trying to put any effort into setting things right either. Everytime something like this happens, an uproar occurs. And not just the common people, but supposedly educated people in parliment. Hard to see how 'sensitive' matters ever gets discussed if nobody can keep a clear head while tackling problems like this. No wonder such matters have been in debate for centuries.

And its true how much money we waste on countless useless projects. Like the many times we see them building roads, only to start digging up something, retaring it again, then digging again. Makes you wonder who actually does the planning on these kind of things, if any. Or how they build a highway, then discover that there is a bottle-neck in front after that, thus causing a massive backlog.

I really hate to say it but our government and country has caused me much sadness again and again. I just hope that someone in power opens up his/her eyes to the real problem and have the guts to tackle it head on. Better to go through alittle turmoil now then have a whole country collapse later with everybody pointing fingers at whose fault it is.

The Journey

I love roadtrips!

It started off with a drizzle when EN finally arrived at my house to pick me up. Thank god I was downstairs because as usual my phone decides who I'm allowed to receive calls from and it rejected her, but I was able to see her car pulling up my driveway. Seriously I'm getting loads of msg telling me all the miss calls I've got. That's what you get for buying a RM1300 phone for RM 900 bucks. At that time I thought I got myself a bargain, look who's laughing now.

Anyway the journey there was pretty fun. Don't know if anyone grew annoyed at my persistent singing. I mean I've got to keep practicing if I ever want to be a rock star right? Even if my appearances would be limited to karaoke booths where I have to pay to sing instead of it being the other way around, like it should be! I've always said it doesn't matter where we're going, its the journey that counts. I think there's something magical about close friends being trapped in the confines of a car, and trust me a Satria with a huge pillow is even smaller. Just stock the car up with loads of goodies and you've got yourself a guaranteed good time.

So we dropped Addy off at A'Famosa where his party was happening for that night, n let me tell you that the 'villa' they were staying in, well not exactly my idea of the perfect holiday destination. I mean even the roads leading up to that area could have fooled us. I thought i was gonna visit fucking Freddy Kruger on Elms Street! And it started raining...no, first there were like this fucking bright massive bolts of lightnings coming from the sky, then it started raining! Lucky there were like 40 plus people there so it wasnt that bad. I wouldnt stay in that place if there were only a few people, perfect set-up for a horror movie. Oh wait, i'm not staying there at all so its alright. Leaving Addy was a laugh tho. I mean i can still remember how we all said our goodbye to him, like he was going on some dangerous mission and might never come back! We were all going 'Take care', 'Be careful ar', 'Call if anything happens' and the funniest 'Dont fucking drown in the pool when ur drunk!'. I said that!

I think i shall leave the next part for some other time. Too lazy tired to type anymore for now.

Lazy Days

Its not everyday i get an email from the university stating that my lecturer is ill and therefore class tomorrow is canceled. Although feeling bad for that poor guy, i secretly wish in my heart that many more would follow after him thus giving me me plenty of rest days. I know i'm selfish, considering the obscene amount of holidays i get due to our ever generous government, not to mention the occasional self-awarded holidays i give myself, but i guess holidays are never enough arent they? Its always been a mystery to me how my holidays can just fly by and by the end of it all i always end up more tired then when it started. Weird huh? I know its definately not because of all that dancing i do in the clubs (actually i dont dance very much), or the late night mamak sessions, or the crazy inexplicable urges we sometimes get to go up Genting for a cup of freezing caramel frappachino at hours shared with vampires and werewolves, because obviously who gets tired doing those things?

I guess this one day break came at the right time too. After spending countless hours trying to finish QAF i've finally done it. I cant help but say i love justin! He started out as this irritating kid who just doesnt know when to quit but throughout the show he's somehow evolved into something much deeper. I especially love the part where he gets crushed when he becomes the backup plan of brian and decides to join that Mr Babylon contest. U go girl! I think he's best quality is that he never gives up, always hoping and waiting for Brian to reciprocate his love. I think its sweet and also sad how it ends at the end.

Now i just need to find someone with season 2-5 of the show! Damn, i'm addicted!

Anyway tomorrow i'll be heading down to Malacca. Kindda like a road trip but not quite. A friend of mine is having some kind of unofficial company trip, how weird is that lol We were out one day and he was just bitching about the people he was going to go down there with and how they sorta divided the cost of it unequally, like saying only guys pay when theres like 3 guys n 2 girls going down in one car. Thats bullshit if u ask me. I mean if i'm going out on a date with a girl (as if i would) then yes i would pay, or if we watched a movie, but if we're going on a trip, i think everybody should be equal. I just dont see the reason why the girls should be excluded! I'll like to see when they organise a trip to, say US, if those guys would say the same thing. The only one who is allowed to be excluded in my opinion would be the car owner who's driving. Thats all.

So anyway, sry got carried away, will be heading down to Malacca. Dont quite know what we're gonna do there because besides eating and more eating, theres really nothing much to do in Malacca. Of course now with Jonker Walk about, we get to see the Ah Bengs and Ah Lians in their full glory. That would probably give us some topic of conversations lol. Seriously i'm amazed each time i go back during Chinese New Year at the total difference in style that it verges on the border of cultural shock. Of course i shall not say too much as some of my friends have commented on me slowly going towards the dark side too.

Well, i have to get back to my work now. Still have one report to finish and plenty of C programming (cursed language) to brush up on.

Tomorrow, the hunt begins for the ultimate bargain in Mahjong tiles! Let the ride begin!

From somewhere deep within
the shaded trees.
From rocky paths
and hidden caves.
From heavan above
those dark and angry clouds.
Springs the essence of life
that freely flows.

Who can say where the rain may fall?
Or guide the path it chooses?
Or stop the mighty river from flowing?
Only by Gods hands will it quiver.

Just as water flows
so our lives the same.
The path it carves
guided by circumstances.
The rapids comes with the still
The fall comes with its thrill
What is life without it all?

Throughout this journey
the joy i found.
To put words to it
its too profound.
I'm glad we met
at some point in time.
I'll never trade it for a million dime.
You made me see what love could be.
For that i thank you endlessly.

The tears i shed is not of sorrow,
Its the endless possibilities
of what comes with tomorrow.
If you and me were meant to be,
I wait for the day of
holy matrimony.

Till then my friend
Till that day comes
In me you'll find the best i can
To hold and carry and cry
To smile, be merry and laugh
To share your thoughts and tears and dreams
To give you strenght to carry on with things
Till then my friend
Till that day comes
Let us remember those good old days
With memories of laughter and joy
Of music and dancing and games.





I hope the both of us finds that land over the rainbow where dreams really do come true.

Viva La Dance

A friend of mine loaned me QAF season 1 a few months back and until today, i have yet to watch pass the first episode of the whole season. Okok before u start throwing stones at me, let me at least explain myself. You see, QAF is indeed a really great series no doubt but the problem was i watched the first 3 episodes of the UK version a few years back now and it has the exact same storyline as its American counterpart. After watching for about half hour of the US version i grew bored and nvr continued...that is until today.

I was doing some studying and after awhile i needed a serious break but there wasnt anything nice on astro. I hate wasting my break time watching programs i dont like so i decided to give QAF another try. I skipped straight to episode 3 and now i'm hooked. I've only watched 2 episodes today but the one thing thats really hit me is gay guys really know how to party! I mean watching those scenes where they're in Babylon, i can just see the energy and sexual tension oozing from the screen. And the best part is i know thats exactly how its like in REAL LIFE gay clubs as well. Given, we dont have those almost naked sex gods dancers here in Msia, but the rest of the crowd is exactly the same in my opinion. Thats why i love going to gay clubs.

Unless you do the shuffle, its rare to see any straight guys really going at it, dancing and swaying to the music in clubs. The last group of friends i used to club with, well i was almost always the only guy really moving to it with the girls while the rest of the guys just have this gentle sway that they always do. So obviously to take the attention off me, i started to make sure that everytime i danced, it was to a girl. Funny how grooving along shaking that ass in a group makes you gay but when u get down and dirty with a girl, u're da man.

Well needless to say, i was pretty lost when i finally did go to my first gay club here in Msia (Lq). The club was packed full with guys but to my horror, i found that i could not dance with a guy! Its sad to say but its true...my first time in a gay club in Msia and the only person i got dirty with was my friend (and she's a girl!). Of course i've had adequate training since so thats no longer a problem, thank god! Of course now arises the fact all gay boys dances like blardy professionals that i feel somewhat intimidated everytime i club...but that is easily cured with loads and loads of alcohol so its not really a problem either.


Hmm...arms are starting to twitch.

Is that my head bobbing?

Damn all this talk of clubbing is making my feet itchy.

Must.Resist.Temptation.

Goodbye

We always hurt the ones we love the most.

Disillusioned, i thought we could go our separate ways amicably. Two lovers walking down two separate paths thats parallel, to be apart yet never far. I failed to see that while i may choose the path parallel to his, he's choosen a path that goes the other way. Disillusioned.

So i've promised myself i wont let anyone see the tears anymore. I made the choice so its my burden to carry. Strange enough i was confused at the things he was doing. Is it payback? Is he trying to hurt me? But i've stopped caring about those things. I used to care, used to feel hurt whenever he did those things because i guess i loved him. But i have to stop the caring now, and in a sense, i think the loved went with it.

I remember that when i first started writing here, i promised myself no more emo stuff. And sometimes i get scared at the amount of things i reveal about myself here. So i'm officially closing this chapter of my life. Tomorrow is a new day, and with it i hope brings a new adventure.

Somewhere Over This Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday i'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
Thats where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't i?
Someday i'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
Thats where you'll find me

Isnt It Funny?

What is this feeling?
This gaping hole
This empty void
This tainted heart
This pain sensation
This ache inside

I wish i could reach in
and rip it out.
To rid of this thing
that causes too much pain.
They say love hurts
well they fucking lied
for this isnt hurt
its death in disguise.

Funny how i wanted you so bad the first time i saw you. I saw the joy in ur eyes, the laughter in ur smile. The casual glances you threw my way on occasions when we did meet made my heart flutter. Till now i still cant believe we're together, that fate actually brought us to this point. In each others arms we found happiness.

Funny how i sit at home alone now, thinking what went wrong. Thinking of the things we shared, of our futures we talked about. Of the time we talked about our dreams, our aspirations and our goals. To grow old together and never being apart. To make plans for the weekends, to lose money to Uncle Lim. In each others arms we found comfort.

Funny how one little action can cause such a big change. To let go of something so precious, so beautiful, because of something so small. But its the little things that matters. Its the little things that moves bigger things. And i cant bear the hurt again, i really cant.

Bottled Up

I use to think that i was a very open person. I thought that i'd prefer sharing my problems instead of keeping them all inside whenever i'm going through a rough patch. I dont anymore.

I'm not sure if this is really who i've been all this time or maybe i'm just becoming more and more reserve as life passes me by. I say life because it just seems as though the more challenges life throws at me the more i harden the shell around me, making it stronger then it was before - more impenetrable until even my friends cant break through.

I know of someone whom u could call the strong silent type and we were pretty close once.

I remember asking him before 'Dont you ever grow tired of keeping everything to yourself?'.

'Whats the use of telling? I dont want to trouble others with what i'm going through so i just put on this happy mask'. That was his response.

I didnt agree with him at that time...but somewhere along the line i've become that person. I've become the person that refuses to let people in so easily anymore. Afraid that if they do, they'll see the insecurities in me, the fear and the uncertainty. Even the bf is kept at bay sometimes when i'm at my most vulnerable. I guess its always easier to let people see the happier side.

I know that i need to be strong. To be the dependable one for the ones i care and love because there is no where else to look. So i try to bottle things up inside, hoping that if no one see's my troubles they would assume that everything is alright and maybe, just maybe i could convince myself that everything really is alright too. But sometimes the dam breaks. Alittle crack here and there, and sudddenly the pressure becomes too much and everything comes out. Suddenly it seems that the weight of the whole world rests upon your shoulder and you dont know where to turn to. That one day was today.

But dont ask me if i'm fine, because i'll say yes. Dont push me to tell, because i'll just smile. Just know that inside is a raging river that i'm trying to tame. So if i sound distant somedays, if i seem distracted with something, just know that i'm working things out internally and give me time. This boy is a work-in-progress slowly adapting to the life of adulthood. Hopefully everything will turn out alright in the end.

Armani/Armanee

Its not everyday i blog with coffee next to me, sitting on a sofa chair, killing myself bending forward to type on a laptop on a coffee table much too low for comfort, using wireless connection. Yes, today marks my first day blogging/surfing in Starbucks.

Me and a few friends decided to go to the Curve Starbucks today to finish our assignments as we all agreed no work could be done at home. On the way there we stopped by the show units at Damansara Perdana to check out the super luxurious condos ie Armanee Terrace 2 up for sale now to get alittle inspiration to study harder. Omg! I cant believe how amazing those units look. Cant believe Malaysia is heading towards that concept. Its awsome!

Of course, we were pretty shy to just walk in there and ask the sales agent to show us around so we had to have an excuse to view the units. Since my two friends have been there before and were afraid the sales agent would recognise them, i decided to pretend to be the one whose parents were considering purchasing a unit there thus asking me to view the place for my opinion. I must admit, playing rich was nice and I so rock at being rich hahaha...Anyone staying in Armanee Terrace 1 pls pls pls let me have a look at ur house. I promise i will forever be indebted to u lol. It was hard holding a straight face looking so unfazed while my jaw was actually below my knee drooling saliva over the lush carpet and expensive furniture. Acting is serious hard work ya know.

Anyways, with all the inspiration in us, we headed to Curve and on with our work. Another friend dropped by from work and i couldnt resist hitting the shops with him. He's also a shopperholic but straight. I showed him the t-shirt i wanted to get from British India and the first words he uttered were 'Dude u look so gay in that shirt'. I'm taking that as a compliment and now i'm so buying it lol. He probably suspects me now tho cos shortly after we came back he was going through the pics on my other friends camera and saw the shots of me and the bf that we took in Genting. Talk about bad timing. Anybody with half the brains would have guessed it straight away. Anyway he had this weird/puzzled look on him too lol so funny. Was contemplating telling him but...nah i'll just leave it for another time.

Watched a movie later after dinner at SakeSushi but i wont even talk about it. We watched Frostbiten...enough said. Such a waste of money and time.

Dead Meat

Today i saw a dead sparrow outside my lab while i was smoking.

And then i coughed.

Wonder if i've got bird flu?

Hmm...

*blink blink*



sry ppl this is what staring at the screen the whole day does to me.

My Beach Romance

Winter brings a chilly wind
Summer's gone, no summer breeze
Sands so fine escape my hands
I look upon the moonlit seas

You rush to shore
and then retreat.
I wonder why
you cant decide.
To come or go
To stay or leave
So many years
You're still like this.

Each time your foamy hands climb alittle higher
and i think you're really trying harder
to make things mean alittle deeper
you recede once again
to that same old place you first came

I wont believe you
the next wave
Cos i know its gonna be the same again
Dont say words that you dont mean
Trust can easily float away
away
away

Show Me The Money

I.REALLY.NEED.TO.STUDY!

Now with that out of the way, lets get on with blogging.

Unfortunately the good life has indeed distracted me from my blog and utterly destroyed my determination to blog everyday. One would think that with 9 days of holidays (all thanks to our Hindu and Muslim friends) surely i could squeeze in at least one miserable day just to write. I guess the bf, Grey's Anatomy, ANTM, OTH and most of all, shopping tops the chart of my daily to-do list.

Well since i'm here now, lets try to see if we can just combine the top priorities with writing. I'll start of with shopping i guess since that's wat i have been doing the most for the past one month (week). I really dont know y i keep doing it, seeing that i'm really broke and cant even afford the cheapest thing available right now! Please somebody, tell me y i put myself in this torture! Theres a gorgeous shirt in Topman i really want, shoes, underwear and belt from Zara, jeans and more shoes from Miss Sixty, a t-shirt from British India not to mention many many other clothes from every other shop which i cant fit cos they're all too blardy big for me. Sigh...at moments like this i really hate my size. My parents on the other hand are rejoicing.

Once in awhile, i do dream of aquiring a couple of millions by luck. Maybe a relative somewhere dies leaving me a fortune in his/her will, or my parents suddenly telling me that they're actually millionairs and that they've only been in disguise as poor people for my protection and now i'm filthy rich, or even winning a lottery (this is a tough one because i dont even buy the lottery...but fingers crossed). Watching Greys Anatomy doesnt help either considering that the oh-so-pretty Dr Stevens just got like 8.7 mil from her fiance who passed away. I really hate to taint their relationship with money like that because it was such a sad story. I like her so much more then Meredith (that whore) but girl, ITS 8.7 MILLION DOLLARS! Sigh...

Watching the new season of ANTM, it is to my opinion that AJ should just win this competition hands down. With a face like that and her consistency in striking amazing poses, not to mention she still looks like a model even without hair and make-up, i just cant imagine anyone else winning it. Seriously that girl can probably make me fall in love with a girl...maybe not, but she is definately hot! And she has that wow factor in her too. Everytime i watch her strut her stuff, i just seeth in jealousy wishing i could be like that. And then i watch Project Runway, and change my mind and wish i could be a designer instead...or maybe a pilot...or an interior designer. Yes i know i really cant make up my mind but u cant blame me, i read in this horoscope book about Librans and found out that its already set in the stars we're made to be fickle. It also said a whole bunch of other stuff so true and really defined who i was that i was almost convinced there may be something to astrology as i've never really believed in these kind of stuff before.

My bf is confusing. And he thinks alot. I've always thought that i was the thinker, but it turns out that he thinks even more then me. Plus he reads into things, then keeps it to himself. He doesnt realise this but i do notice when something bugs him. I can tell by the way he stiffens himself and i know he holds back what he wants to say. We always tell each other to be honest and to just say what is on our minds, but i dont think thats possible. There have been bumps in our relationship, but i think we've both been strong in facing these adversities. Thats what keeps us together. I really hope to just take things as it is and enjoy the moments we share together and hopefully, forever is not just wishful thinking.

Oh btw, just want to say that Open Season is hillarious! Go watch.

Tick Tock

Peruse the many online profiles on sites like Friendster or myspace or even fridae and you will find reading choosen as a hobby quite often. I wonder however, how many amongst these people actually do have time to read in this age where everything moves at warp speed and deadline's literally mean its time to die! With competition soaring high and job vacancies scarce, so much to do and so little time, everybody is swamped with work now that we might as well scrap the word hobby from the dictionary. I mean, who the hell has time for these sort of things anymore?

I have a book (Angels and Demons by Dan Brown) which i bought 2 months ago during my holiday and its still lying on the shelf in the same plastic bag it came with and i honestly have not had the time to even glance at it. I bet the receipt is still there as well! In my opinion, we have pushed ourselves to the point bordering on insanity. In our quest to improve life, our drive to succeed is now driving us instead. Does that make sense?

I've always wondered that if someone were to step back in time and observe people from before, will we be able to say that 'Yes, the people of today are really more happy then those living from the past.'? If the answer is no, what the hell are we doing?!?!?! Honestly, the only time i had to do my reading was while i was in uk, and that was only because i skipped classes too blardy often...okok it was more like i nvr went for classes. Believe me, the price to pay was high!

The joy of reading for me is that i get to go to another place, though not necessarily a better one, but one that allows me to forget the worries i face currently. One may call it a form of escapism i guess. But if you dont already know this, life's a bitch. Between juggling between classes, labs, assignments, family, friends and boyfriend, there seem to be no time for reading! Thats y i stopped filling in the hobbies part on these kindda things. Doesnt matter if i have any, its not like i have the time to actually do it.

Ok so in the end, this whole post is just about me ranting of my lack of time. Maybe its just poor time management on my part, and i'm pretty sure the bf will comment on this...hmphh, but at the end of the day, i just wanna finish my book! Not too sure how long i can hold off anymore before buying another one and i'll hate to spend more money on books before i can even finish reading the previous one. Hopefully the book's good tho because it was recommended by a friend. I didnt find Da Vinci Code that interesting but Deception Point was alright.

If only i could turn back time

I'm with you on that one Aqua!


ps : what happened to u guys btw...sigh. I loved cartoon heros!

Perfect Day

Seems like life has been quite kind to me recently. After a certain dramatic period of time, things have finally mellowed down, and i'm taking full advantage of it not to mention enjoying the moments. Me and the boyfriend managed to squeeze in more then a few precious moments to be together despite our hectic and forever colliding schedule and i guess this has made us treasure the times we share together even more, although i dont really show it :( I've been told countless of times that i can be quite unemotional sometimes but the ex and now the current. Is that bad? hmm...

Anyway, we watched John Tucker Must Die on friday. The movie was ok i guess, something to fill your time with if u're just seeking for light hearted moments. Be prepared to laugh tho cos u'll need to put alittle effort in it. This movie is not the kind where u'll really find it funny so a little mental preparation is needed. Its so sad that good comedies are hard to find nowadays...sigh. On the brighter note, Jesse Matcalfe is soo goodlooking! Plus the locker room scene is probably worth the whole 11 bucks we paid for the movie...lol. And Sophia Bush stars in this show as well so another plus. I think she has this really husky sexy voice plus this exotic look. For all those who dont know her, shes on One Tree Hill as well so go check her out (and while u're at it u might as well check Chad Michael Murray cos he's hot too lol).

On Saturday, we watched World Trade Center. I wasnt so keen on this movie (American propoganda) but i guess i went because of the people. Had a house party after that so though we might as well just join them for movie too. Well i was right. The movie was such a let down. I cant really say where they went wrong but in the end i just didnt relate to the movie at all. I was left emotionless and totally clueless about what the main plot of the movie was all about. Maybe they should rename it to something like 'Saving 2 officers from WTC' or 'What i did when WTC collapsed on me' or something to that effect. That would have been more appropriate i think.

Anyway, the weekends over once again. I'm so not looking forward to monday classes anymore now that lab has started. Nobody should have 9-5 classes on a Monday...EVER! This semester is however, starting to look quite promising. Been quite consistent in revisions and i really, really pray that i can keep this up till exams! I have to admit i've been having quite strong determination this time to see things through, but everytime i meet someone who says they're from advertising or designing (been meeting quite afew ppl in those line recently, interesting bunch of ppl) and tell me their job scope or their class schedule, i cant help but to just bash my head against the wall and cry out 'Why?'. Hopefully i'll like my job next time, but until i do i shall just wail and complain to the poor bf about the poor choices and multiple lack of judgements i've made in my life. Dont know which is worse? To be me or to be him...lol.

If Only

I waited for bluebirds to sing
but i hear blackbirds crow
I waited for bells to ring

but i heard

the silence of the night
and the wailing of the wind on an empty sky

Where there is land, is where i want to step.
To go places i've not seen, to see places i've not been.
But this journey is long and the lesson hard.
To appreciate the moment but not drown in it.
To move forward yet keep one foot back.
Caution thrown in the wind,
and comes back with a slap.

The tide grows strong,
I have to be firm.
Because even fishes drown in the sea.
Swing the mighty sword around,
Its blades will cut you one day.

The bird escapes from its cage.
Try as you may,
you cant catch it.
Freedom has a price to pay,
its you, its you i'm coming for one day.

It is official, Devil Wears Prada is now the best movie of the year in my books. I really dont care if its just a mindless chick flick, that movie rocks...lol All that fashion, glitter, and models in one simple 2 hour movie, one cant ask for much more then that. Not to mention Meryl Streeps stunning performance as this power lady and Ann Hathaway as the once again innocent two faced bitch. Really who on earth would fall for that 'Oh i'm so innocent and oblivious that i dont even know i'm a stunning, gorgeous lady whom everybodys falling for!' line over and over again? But i dont blame her...every good movie needs a slut, so well done Ann Hathaway!

On the other hand, i just watched The Notebook as well last night and was really touched by the simplicity of the story and the depth of love between them, especially on Noah's side. It wasnt so much the love story they shared when they were young but rather the end when Noah stuck by her side while she suffered from Dementia. To slowly watch as the person u love so much forget about you is the hardest thing that could ever happen to anyone. And the end when he slips in her bed after he suffered from another heart attack and she remembers him, and then they die hand in hand, that was such a sweet ending.

Allie : Do you think our love can take us away together?
Duke : I think our love can do anything we want it to.
Allie : I love you.
Duke : I love you too, Allie.
Allie : Goodnight.
Duke : Goodnight. I'll be seeing you.

Thanks Chien for introducing this show.

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

When everything is going so well, why do shitty things always happen to me? In a way, i was at fault for being so careless. But is it wrong to love someone so much that you just dont care of the consiquences? Being with him gives me courage that i never thought i had.

Everything has been happening so fast for me in the past one week that i barely have anytime to think things through. Cloud nine found me when i least expected, and now its leaving once again unannounced. Reality pulls me back faster then the apple that fell on Einsteins head leaving me with a bump on the head, or at least i hope thats all it is, just a bump. Just last Thursday i met up with a friend whom i knew was gay but he didnt know that i was, or at least i thought he didnt. We talked for a bit when suddenly he invited me to club with him on saturday to a place i knew was a gay night. Needless to say, i was stunned and shocked. Really, i didnt know what to answer him so i just accepted the offer still on the pretence that i was a straight guy simply going with him to club. The charade didnt last long and in the end everything was out in the open.

We grew fast from friends to something closer, like water that rushing to ground. It was as if we'd known each other for eternity. Something about him makes me feel so comfortable and before i knew it, i was in love. It took initiative on his part to make me aware of such strong feelings but finally when it happened, i was like a plant hooked on the golden rays of the sun for survival. Nothing could have been more perfect.

When they say good things dont last forever, i didnt think that it would be that true so soon. Cutting to the chase, my parents kindda found out about us. When my dad confronted me about my sexuality i was a mess. I know i should have denied it with all my heart, but i just didnt have the strength to lie anymore. How long would i have to keep making up excuses just to keep them satisfied? In the end what came out was some half-hearted attempt to avoid the question. I was such an idiot and now i sit here waiting for the wrath of their anger to fall upon me.

Why do people discriminate? Or find it hard to accept a person for who they really are? Is it really called love when someone demands that a person sacrifice their happiness just so they can be at ease again and fit in the mould? I admit i'm terrified! He did hint on disowning me and i have no idea what he's capable of doing so yes, i'm afraid. But somewhere in the back of my mind and deep in my heart, i'm also hurt, angry and confused. Dont you think that it was much, much more harder for me to accept my own sexuality then it will be for you? Did u think the journey was easy? Or that i woke up one day and decided 'Hei i think i shall be gay and face oppression, rejection, and persecution for eternity', as if it was a choice of chicken or beef?

It was this same confusion that sent me into depression a few years ago. The inability to go on with life, the longing desire to just end it all with a slit to the wrist. Nobody knew of the time i locked myself up in my room, holding the blade to my wrist for hours just trying to draw up the courage to end it all. But i found true courage and decided to go on living. I found true strength to accept the things i cannot change, and i found true determination when i decided to put myself out there to search for love, despite everything. I only hope i find true courage once again. And baby, our love keeps me going. Thank you dearly for the support you've shown and the advice you've given. You are the light in my darkness. I love you.

I cant believe happiness like this exists

Confused.Disappointed.Unsure

Recently i've been going out on dates with people whom i've met online. Not the usual me to do so but i figured its about time i started meeting real people and hopefully meet that special someone to share my life with. In the end, all these meets have left me more confused then ever.

Have you ever wanted something so bad in life that it clouds your judgment? To be so sure that you'll find happiness once you obtain it but when you finally do, something just seems amiss? I have to admit that i've been feeling lonely these past few months. Seeing couples around me doing the things i only hope to do one day, holding hands, hugging, watching movies - they all look so happy and contented. I thought to myself that if I ever do find that someone to love, I will be just like them. I would finally find my peace and the world would look right again. I was wrong.

Even though we went out on a date, had dinner, watched a movie (even holding hands), the usual stuff I've been yearning to do, it has all left me feeling empty inside. Leaving his place, I felt more confused then I've ever been. Maybe he isn't the guy for me, and this i knew deep down inside the whole time, but somehow I had expected to at least have some extend of satisfaction after it was all over. Emptiness. That was all i felt. Was it him? Was it me? Is it because I didnt like him?

I dont want to go back to that place i was before again. The uncertainty, the unknown. I thought that I'd figured all that out. I have no feelings for girls sexually and this I know. But somehow being with him didnt work out for me either. He just wasnt the same as the others. To be honest, he wasnt the most straight acting guy i know, neither was he particularly girly acting and maybe its unfair to compare him with my straight friends, but somehow it just wasnt the same. And by he its just the common term for the guys I've met not just one. Somehow i cant help but compare them to the guys I'm used to hanging out with. Maybe its just me thats too damn straight!

Hard as it might be, I think its still not the right time for me to start any kind of relationship with anyone. I'm a wreak and its unfair to inflict the same pain onto others. This need to be loved has to be put aside, the yearning for company locked up, and emotions kept inside again. Until the time comes, when everything feels right and this uncertainty goes away, I guess I'll have to travel this lonely road once more alone. I only hope this journey takes me to you before this brittle body crumbles away and only ashes remain to tell the story of a Romeo without his Juliet.

Touch my heart
and touch my soul
Let me know the things you know
Cos i want to be apart of that secret life
The one you keep deep down inside

A single candle burning bright
In a room filled with darkness
But if a moth finds its way in
My flame will burn your wings
The single candle burns alone

So many places
so many holes
And yet why cant we be alone
The people they cant know
Why dont they just let us be alone

I want you
and i want you
Maybe just you,
or do i choose you?
I just want love
Does it matter who?
Why cant i choose you?
Maybe its not who

The Simple Pleasures of Life

Traversing down the Kepong Highway, gambling our lives on the newly reopened MRR2 with my best bud and his girlfriend in the car heading towards Ulu Yam, its the simple things like this that are truly memoriable. I've always believed that you dont need a fancy holiday with big extravagant resort hotels, or spend hundreds of ringgit to enjoy yourself just as long as you know how to appreciate the moments that go by. This i call the simple pleasures of life...

Of course with simple pleasures comes irritation n wastage of petrol too. What was supposed to be a short half hour drive turned out into nearly an hour and a half all because the organiser failed to get directions before the trip. To quote his words, 'Haiyah no need to ask la, we'll know it when we reach the place'. Well we did indeed find the place, parked the car, stepped to the entrance of it, only to decide that well, it isnt that place. And so we drove on, deciding that it was perhaps just alittle further.

Well just a little further turned to be really far n heading for nowhere. To be honest, the no signal that popped up on all three of our handphones should have been an indication that perhaps we were going the wrong way. Nooo...we all took it as a sign of seclusion and probably in each persons mind thought of discovering a 100 ft waterfall with pristine lakes, maybe an ancient artifact or two littered on the forest floor with huge trees towering over us, shading the forest bed with its gigantic canopy. I just wondered if my 0.9 megapixel handphone camera would take clear enough pictures if we stumble across Bigfoot.

In the end, we came across a spot with coverage n decided to call before we moved forward anymore and came closer to ancient civilization and discovering extinct species. Obviously from his look i knew it had to be the very first camp site we came across on our way here...i mean come on, not the first time something stupid like this has happened before. So turning around and heading back for it we managed to spend about another hour just lazing about by a miserable stream as we just talked and joked. Did i mention that there was some kind of military camp just next to us? Well yeah there was, probably training to hijack a plane and crashing it into some other monumental building, the usual stuff no biggie.

All in all, the trip was alright i guess. Nothing spectacular about the place, but i guess its the company that counts. Like they say, sometimes its not the destination that matters but the journey itself.

'Yes I'll take an order of ONS pls'

Funny how i'm always only in the mood to blog when things get rough and not when everything is going great, no matter how much has happened! Been meaning to talk about the extreme boredom some days were in Penang, or about that rude monkey that flashes his ass to passer-bys, or my very first 4x4 trip into Mersing jungle, but each time i sit infront of my com ready to type nothing comes out. Maybe its because as good as the happy times are, I'd rather know that i survived the bad ones.

Anyway, have been logging on to gay.com quite often now. Currently i'm checking out the peeps and just trying to judge the whole scene. Conclusion? Its a fucking dodgy scene! Seriously almost everybody online is just there for a quick fuck and thats it. Wat happened to dates? Or flirting about? Or even that short period where you go 'Does he like me?'. Since when were they replaced with a simple 'Wanna meet?' which assumes that yes i'll take an order of ONS pls?

I'm really curious about the whole scene in Msia and have been trying to meet ppl as best i can just to hopefully get a group of like-minded friends i can relate to and perhaps get support and guidance from but so far it has been tough. Honestly i dont believe that the whole PLU community in Msia are like this but wherever the good guys are, they're certainly hiding pretty good.

I guess wat they say about guys are true, that we think through our dicks.

Penang Oh Penang

What can i say, I think that one month of me time is too long. Before i came up i thought that it'll be good to have some time alone to reflect back on things and to get my perspective straightened out. But now, me time just means boringgg...lol. I still enjoy the quiet and solitude that penang provides, dont get me wrong. Everyday after work i come back to my aunts place for dinner, play alittle xbox with my cousin, and then head back home to chill. Thank god i had the foresight to bring along my ipod and speakers. On another note, my uncle has got some killer speakers in the apartment but i've got to go get some of those audio converter cables if i wanna use it. Cant wait to test it out...yum yum. Oh and i absolutely have to get better in my gaming skills. Its starting to get embaressing when i keep getting trashed by my 10 yr old cousin at Crash Bandits!

Working has also helped me realised something, that i make a very, very, very bad employee. Seriously, in just barely 4 weeks i've gone for a 4 hours break three times and gone home after lunch twice. Just hope my aunt nvr finds out about it! In my defence, there was really not much to be done. So instead of just wasting my time hanging about, its better if i went back to get a nap so i'd be fully rested for the next day, dont you agree?

Anyway cant wait to be back in KL again. Went back last week to celebrate a friends birthday and also went to Liquid for the first time. Well technically it was my second but the first time i went they were already closing so thats not really considered. Man i cant believe the amount of cute guys in there. Will defo be heading back there again when i get a chance to.

Thats all

Loving the Aliens

After everything, i've come to realise that i'm actually very tired mentally. All the things that have happened to me recently has actually drained whatever energy i have left in me, and now i dont even have the strenght to carry a proper conversation without feeling somewhat sad. Its like cracking a joke actually takes effort now.

Even my perspective on life has changed. Suddenly the world seems alittle darker, as if someones taken just that little bit of sunshine out of my life. When i was stressed out studying for my finals afew weeks back, all i needed to do was step out onto my balcony and let the sun just wash over me to feel better. Its the same back when i was in UK as well. After months of not seeing the sun for more then a few minutes, summer came as a much needed relief. I cant tell you how good it feels to just stand under that golden ray, just basking in the heat that somehow makes one feel so alive.

Today it dawned on me that i've been living a double life all this time - the straight part and the queer part. Now its like the both parts of my life are finally merging and i just dont know wat to feel about it. When i think back about the times we spent together, it was as though it didnt happen here in Malaysia but some other world, as if i really was in a different place. But yesterday when i went out with my cousins, met up with friends, it all seems weird that i actually had an old life i'd almost forgotten. Until now i've been trying to understand it myself but i can find no words to describe this sensation. Weird is just the best word for it.

These few days have actually been pretty busy for me. So many ppl have been actually calling me out for yum char sessions, mahjong, karaoke, cycling, swimming, dotaing but i rejected them all. And then there are those i really wanted to meet up with and actually made appointments with them to meet up before i leave for penang but now i just dont have the strength to put on that happy mask again. I know its bad but all i want to do is stay at home and try to sort out all these emotions that are seriously fucking me up. In the end tho, i just keep going around in circles.

I wish there was someway i could explain all that i'm going through in this blog because then i know that i'll have sorted things out. 'You dont clearly understand the things that are going through your mind until you can write them out properly' thats what i say.

Anyway like velvet revolver says, i'm moving on.
God i love that song!

Aftermath

Since i last met him, he was the first thing i thought about when i woke up and the last when i slept. Choices became hard when i was around him. How should i act? What should i say?

I guess you could say this was a major crush and nothing more. After all, we werent really that close, and i knew it could nvr materialise into anything more then friends. Its just when sex comes into the picture everything really becomes more complicated, at least for me it does. I tend to read into every action made or every word said more.

I cant believe how much i lost my head this time around. To be honest, this whole episode still seems so sureal. Because of this i've finally come out to 3 of my good friends. Maybe despite all the hurt i'm going through, some good has come out of it. They were all pretty cool about it although i know some will need more time to absorb all that i said, but they were alright. And it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. No the world didnt come crashing down. And no they did not leap out of their seats to come and beat me up into a pulp. They were just stunned. The alcohol really helped too. I doubt if i was not as drunk as i was that night i wouldnt have told them still.

Right now, i'm trying to pull back just alittle. I think i'm getting on his nerves with the constant msg's i'm sending him over msn while he's at work. Dont get me wrong, i'm no weirdo! Its just everytime i see him online, i feel like having a little chat with him. Plus i think its manners. But now, i think i'm just gonna leave the ball in his court. If he feels like chatting let him make the first move. I shall hold back and give him the space he needs/wants?

Sometimes life is cruel. You never expect the things that happens to you but when it does, what is good sometimes turns out different from what you were expecting. I've never had to go through emotions like this before and i guess its a good experience on my part. I admit i'm alittle green in terms of relationships. All the others i've been through before, well i have to say that the other person wanted me more then i wanted them. Its only fair that i go through that side of the fence now.

After doing all that thinking, i've realised that nothings actually changed except for that night. He's actually been acting the same as he's always done. And its not like he's pulling away from me or anything like that. In fact, i doubt he even sees a problem between us. However, i know that somethings changed, or at least on my part it has. Anyway i'll just go on living my life how i've always done before and hope everything turns out alright. Going down to penang will help too. At least the change in environment plus work might just sort me out.

Fingers crossed.

Heart brokened

One year ago, i fell in love. Things just kind of happened and suddenly, i was caught up in a relationship i didnt even realise was happening. Last April, i had my heart broken. The hurt came unexpected because i didnt even think we had anything going on till he slept with someone else. Today, the mended pieces of this fragile heart breaks again.

Somehow i dont think i'm built for relationships. I just cant stand this searing pain i feel each time someone walks away. The loneliness is too much to bear and the emotions too strong to control. But most of all, i hate the feeling of helplessness. To know that you cant do anything but let that person walk away.

The first time i met him, it was his smile that caught my eye and captivated my heart. It was raining that day but that smile of his looked as if it could chase away the clouds above and bring back the sun. As he greeted us, his pale blue eyes looked into mine and i knew i was lost in it. Like looking into a pool of clear water, his eyes reflected only the purest hue of blue dominated only by the black of his iris.

The heart aches for what i cant have. Although deep down inside i knew it could never become anything substantial, i was satisfied with living for the moment. I treasured every minute we were together. But now i know he's gone.

Nothing is worse then being friends with the one you want most. To be close to that person but knowing you'll never have him. Thinking back, i wish i could change the things i said, the things i did. But its too late now and things have gotten complicated.

'Ask me why i keep on loving you when it's clear you dont feel the same way for me...the problem is that as much as i cant force you to love me, i cant force myself to stop loving you'

Goodbye my friend. I hope that next year if i do have the chance to visit you, things will be different. I hope that we will remain friends and i will finally be able to find my way in life.

bisous
au revoir

One Sweet Day

Call me crazy but i finally know now what song i want to be played on the day of my funeral. Boyz to Men and Mariah Carey's One Sweet Day.

Contemplation

Exams are a drag! Even now, i constantly find myself drifting of somewhere to the near future (ie summer holidays) thinking of what i'm gonna do. But most of all, i find myself tweaking at the possibility of taking a gap year holiday and going somewhere far away to work as placement. However, i'm not sure if thats ever gonna happen seeing my past record in my studies lately are somewhat lackluster. To convince my parents that this will be a good idea will take a huge amount of effort, not to mention the amount of money they are gonna have to shell out to at least sustain my living expenses for the first few months. But if ever they should agree to it, u can bet i'll be working my ass off (working for the money and studying) to ensure that it happens. Anyway, i just hope i can work something out after the exams are done and over with. All i know is that this is getting pretty boring and i should have just completed my studies in Sheffield Uni when i had the chance. Oh well, u win some u lose some.

BAH!

Things have been alittle crazy for me lately. With all the ups and downs that i'm going through, its hard to keep track of my focus. Focus u ask? Yeah well to be honest there is no focus. A year ago, i told myself that this would be my second chance, the time to finally shine! To have students crawling and begging on their knees at my feet, pleading with me to enlighten them with the bountiful knowledge of Enginneering that i'd accumulated throughout my years at Sheffield University and share just alittle bit of it with them. To have parents throwing obscene amount of money just so i can tutor their children for one hour a week. No, really...i just thought that this year would be different - I would be different. But nope, still the same old guy standing here.

So here i am, sitting infront of my notes. All i see before me is scribbles. Seriously, who the fuck had time to come up with all these theories? Flux Density? Gauss's Law? (curse u Gauss!) Azimuthal field??? Thats not even a proper word! Anyway, i have been preparing for the past one month amidst the clubbing sessions, drunken nights, trip to Pulau Perhentian, mamak sessions, and birthday celebrations (seriously guys...too many April and May babies!) i find myself not the least bit prepared. However, the good news is that the 2 papers that i'd taken so far were pretty...erm...lets just say not out of my league. I dont wanna tempt luck/fate/destiny here but if it continues like this, i'll be having a great holiday. The first in 4 years to not have to resit any papers. Fingers crossed!

On another note

'I see u infront of me. U swerve left and u swerve right. U make it so clear to me and the car infront of you that yes u are impatient, u can drive really fast (90km/h?), and that you're so cool. We're in the fast lane and you try to cut out to the middle to overtake. But maybe because you're a retard, u just dont seem to seize the opportunity when it comes. So u continue driving left and right in the fast lane behind that stupid van. Yup, u're so cool!'

I swear that somewhere out there is a pharmaceutical company that pays retarded dumb fucks alot of money just to drive about on the road so that sales on blood pressure control pills stay rocket high in the market. Honestly, theres just no other explanation for the amount of stupidity you find on the road! I'm pretty sure that by the end of my degree course, i'll probably have to attend some kind of therapy just to keep my sanity incheck. One hour drive to and fro every single day on the highway...add this to the list of why ppl commit suicide!

When Goodbye seems so hard

Our options in life are usually simple. Its easy to see with a logical mind the paths we should take and the ones that we shouldnt. But its only when emotions come into play that everything changes. Suddenly white isnt all that white and black isnt really as black as it seems. If only we could just take our feelings out of the equation, it would simplify alot of things.

How do you forget someone who isnt in the picture? To stop those feelings growing inside but stem from nowhere? Love is such a great thing, but it is also such a burden. The things that we do in the name of love, most would call it insane. Majority of us will remember the first time we ever fell in love, the feeling of being the happiest person in the world, going about as if the world was such a great place to live in. What most of us wont remember is the bumps in the road, the ache we get in our heart which hurts so bad and wont go away. There is no medicine for that. No cure. When the end is inevitable, our world begins to collapse and the rest just crumbles away. Mutual or not the feeling still remains. Perhaps we choose to forget this part because we dont want to. It stains love and yet its what makes love so beautiful.

So no, dont call. Because as good as it sounds, the best thing is to forget it ever happened. And then maybe, just maybe, the hurt will go away.

Till Death

Branches slaps at his face as he is running, clawing at his skin like a wild cat angered. It leaves open wounds next to scars formed years ago. The pain he felt was refreshing and took his mind away from the cramps and numbness of his legs. His vision is blurry - unable to focus and exausted. He can feel the blood ozing out of him. Droplets of sweat and blood fuses together to form a concoction that falls on the darken earth of the forest bed, leaving behind a trail as he runs. Maybe it is this that allows it to still follow him, but he doesnt know.

'Is it still behind?' he wonders.

Not daring to look back, he quickens his strides further hoping to widen the gap between him and the shadows dancing around him. The rhythm of his breath grew erratic. He could feel the pounding of his heart against his chest and the pain grew more with every step he took. His shirt was plastered to him caked in dirt, sweat and blood. Everything about this boy looked animalistic now as he ran through this maze of trees and vines.

'Is it still there?' he wonders.

The question repeats itself in his mind. It was a question he had asked himself since the running began and yet after years, it remains unanswered. What started out as one became many, and what was many became one. He could no longer tell what it was that was chasing him, no longer knew what it is he was running away from. All he knew was that it was not over.

Once in awhile he would catch a glimps of eyes red as fire, or feel the scaly skin brush against his arms, or the smell of something so foul no comparison can be made. Nothing could describe the horror he felt, nor the fear that grips his heart everytime the creature appears. Hard as he tries, he cant seem to shake off the demons that follow him. Every fiber within his body screams out in protest as fatigue sets in but he knows he has to keep running. It was his past, his present and his future. There was no way out.