After everything, i've come to realise that i'm actually very tired mentally. All the things that have happened to me recently has actually drained whatever energy i have left in me, and now i dont even have the strenght to carry a proper conversation without feeling somewhat sad. Its like cracking a joke actually takes effort now.
Even my perspective on life has changed. Suddenly the world seems alittle darker, as if someones taken just that little bit of sunshine out of my life. When i was stressed out studying for my finals afew weeks back, all i needed to do was step out onto my balcony and let the sun just wash over me to feel better. Its the same back when i was in UK as well. After months of not seeing the sun for more then a few minutes, summer came as a much needed relief. I cant tell you how good it feels to just stand under that golden ray, just basking in the heat that somehow makes one feel so alive.
Today it dawned on me that i've been living a double life all this time - the straight part and the queer part. Now its like the both parts of my life are finally merging and i just dont know wat to feel about it. When i think back about the times we spent together, it was as though it didnt happen here in Malaysia but some other world, as if i really was in a different place. But yesterday when i went out with my cousins, met up with friends, it all seems weird that i actually had an old life i'd almost forgotten. Until now i've been trying to understand it myself but i can find no words to describe this sensation. Weird is just the best word for it.
These few days have actually been pretty busy for me. So many ppl have been actually calling me out for yum char sessions, mahjong, karaoke, cycling, swimming, dotaing but i rejected them all. And then there are those i really wanted to meet up with and actually made appointments with them to meet up before i leave for penang but now i just dont have the strength to put on that happy mask again. I know its bad but all i want to do is stay at home and try to sort out all these emotions that are seriously fucking me up. In the end tho, i just keep going around in circles.
I wish there was someway i could explain all that i'm going through in this blog because then i know that i'll have sorted things out. 'You dont clearly understand the things that are going through your mind until you can write them out properly' thats what i say.
Anyway like velvet revolver says, i'm moving on.
God i love that song!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Aftermath
Since i last met him, he was the first thing i thought about when i woke up and the last when i slept. Choices became hard when i was around him. How should i act? What should i say?
I guess you could say this was a major crush and nothing more. After all, we werent really that close, and i knew it could nvr materialise into anything more then friends. Its just when sex comes into the picture everything really becomes more complicated, at least for me it does. I tend to read into every action made or every word said more.
I cant believe how much i lost my head this time around. To be honest, this whole episode still seems so sureal. Because of this i've finally come out to 3 of my good friends. Maybe despite all the hurt i'm going through, some good has come out of it. They were all pretty cool about it although i know some will need more time to absorb all that i said, but they were alright. And it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. No the world didnt come crashing down. And no they did not leap out of their seats to come and beat me up into a pulp. They were just stunned. The alcohol really helped too. I doubt if i was not as drunk as i was that night i wouldnt have told them still.
Right now, i'm trying to pull back just alittle. I think i'm getting on his nerves with the constant msg's i'm sending him over msn while he's at work. Dont get me wrong, i'm no weirdo! Its just everytime i see him online, i feel like having a little chat with him. Plus i think its manners. But now, i think i'm just gonna leave the ball in his court. If he feels like chatting let him make the first move. I shall hold back and give him the space he needs/wants?
Sometimes life is cruel. You never expect the things that happens to you but when it does, what is good sometimes turns out different from what you were expecting. I've never had to go through emotions like this before and i guess its a good experience on my part. I admit i'm alittle green in terms of relationships. All the others i've been through before, well i have to say that the other person wanted me more then i wanted them. Its only fair that i go through that side of the fence now.
After doing all that thinking, i've realised that nothings actually changed except for that night. He's actually been acting the same as he's always done. And its not like he's pulling away from me or anything like that. In fact, i doubt he even sees a problem between us. However, i know that somethings changed, or at least on my part it has. Anyway i'll just go on living my life how i've always done before and hope everything turns out alright. Going down to penang will help too. At least the change in environment plus work might just sort me out.
Fingers crossed.
I guess you could say this was a major crush and nothing more. After all, we werent really that close, and i knew it could nvr materialise into anything more then friends. Its just when sex comes into the picture everything really becomes more complicated, at least for me it does. I tend to read into every action made or every word said more.
I cant believe how much i lost my head this time around. To be honest, this whole episode still seems so sureal. Because of this i've finally come out to 3 of my good friends. Maybe despite all the hurt i'm going through, some good has come out of it. They were all pretty cool about it although i know some will need more time to absorb all that i said, but they were alright. And it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. No the world didnt come crashing down. And no they did not leap out of their seats to come and beat me up into a pulp. They were just stunned. The alcohol really helped too. I doubt if i was not as drunk as i was that night i wouldnt have told them still.
Right now, i'm trying to pull back just alittle. I think i'm getting on his nerves with the constant msg's i'm sending him over msn while he's at work. Dont get me wrong, i'm no weirdo! Its just everytime i see him online, i feel like having a little chat with him. Plus i think its manners. But now, i think i'm just gonna leave the ball in his court. If he feels like chatting let him make the first move. I shall hold back and give him the space he needs/wants?
Sometimes life is cruel. You never expect the things that happens to you but when it does, what is good sometimes turns out different from what you were expecting. I've never had to go through emotions like this before and i guess its a good experience on my part. I admit i'm alittle green in terms of relationships. All the others i've been through before, well i have to say that the other person wanted me more then i wanted them. Its only fair that i go through that side of the fence now.
After doing all that thinking, i've realised that nothings actually changed except for that night. He's actually been acting the same as he's always done. And its not like he's pulling away from me or anything like that. In fact, i doubt he even sees a problem between us. However, i know that somethings changed, or at least on my part it has. Anyway i'll just go on living my life how i've always done before and hope everything turns out alright. Going down to penang will help too. At least the change in environment plus work might just sort me out.
Fingers crossed.
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