After everything, i've come to realise that i'm actually very tired mentally. All the things that have happened to me recently has actually drained whatever energy i have left in me, and now i dont even have the strenght to carry a proper conversation without feeling somewhat sad. Its like cracking a joke actually takes effort now.
Even my perspective on life has changed. Suddenly the world seems alittle darker, as if someones taken just that little bit of sunshine out of my life. When i was stressed out studying for my finals afew weeks back, all i needed to do was step out onto my balcony and let the sun just wash over me to feel better. Its the same back when i was in UK as well. After months of not seeing the sun for more then a few minutes, summer came as a much needed relief. I cant tell you how good it feels to just stand under that golden ray, just basking in the heat that somehow makes one feel so alive.
Today it dawned on me that i've been living a double life all this time - the straight part and the queer part. Now its like the both parts of my life are finally merging and i just dont know wat to feel about it. When i think back about the times we spent together, it was as though it didnt happen here in Malaysia but some other world, as if i really was in a different place. But yesterday when i went out with my cousins, met up with friends, it all seems weird that i actually had an old life i'd almost forgotten. Until now i've been trying to understand it myself but i can find no words to describe this sensation. Weird is just the best word for it.
These few days have actually been pretty busy for me. So many ppl have been actually calling me out for yum char sessions, mahjong, karaoke, cycling, swimming, dotaing but i rejected them all. And then there are those i really wanted to meet up with and actually made appointments with them to meet up before i leave for penang but now i just dont have the strength to put on that happy mask again. I know its bad but all i want to do is stay at home and try to sort out all these emotions that are seriously fucking me up. In the end tho, i just keep going around in circles.
I wish there was someway i could explain all that i'm going through in this blog because then i know that i'll have sorted things out. 'You dont clearly understand the things that are going through your mind until you can write them out properly' thats what i say.
Anyway like velvet revolver says, i'm moving on.
God i love that song!
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