Something Weird

I'm a guy of routine. Everything that I do has to have some kind of order planned out before I can execute them. When I go to the gym, I have to know what my workout order will be for the day and what machines will I be using, or I wont get much done. If somebody is using the machine I wanna use, I just wait for him to be done before I can move on with other sets. Unlike others, I can’t just skip that set and move on then come back to do it. When I study, I have to set a time limit before I can start and how much I have to cover in that time scope. That’s why its hard for me to hit the books if I know I have less then 2 hours of study time ahead, 2 hours is the minimum limit for me.

Same goes for when I sleep. I have a set routine I go through before I sleep every night. Usually I’ll take my final cigarette for the day on my balcony, then wash my face and clean up. I'll then set the alarm for the next day, set the timer off for the air-con, check my phone if it needs charging, make sure my water bottles by my bed, switch off the lights then go to sleep. I cant sleep with the lights on.

So it was weird to find the lights on the next day when I woke up yesterday. I remembered opening my eyes groggily and the first thing that struck my mind was why the lights were on. There was no way anybody could have come into my room because I lock my doors when I’m in my room and they were still locked when I went to check. Was a little freaked out. Maybe I’m starting to sleep walk again? I used to do that when I was little. I don’t even want to think of the other explanation!

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I know it’s a bit late, but I’ve found a gem in Jem. I'd wanted to download her album for ages but never got around to doing it till a few days back and I have to say I love it! Thumbs up to Missing You. Such a perfect song for those still hung up about a lost love or an ex. I can just see myself sitting in the dark with that song playing on loop. But seriously go download that song and check it out. My description does it no justice.

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

My Gay Straight Friend

My friend recently went to Langkawi to celebrate Christmas.

He came back bearing gifts.

One of them was a pack of rose flavored cigarettes, all pink in color including the sticks themselves. The excitement on his face when he pulled those out, hilarious. Addy sometimes i swear you're so gay!

Merry Christmas

I cant believe how hard it is to find a nice picture of a christmas tree online! So u guys will just have to settle for some nice shiny balls instead. I'm sure some of you know how to appreciate it.

MERRY
CHRISTMAS!

Hurts Like A Bitch

They say a person learns through pain.

This is definately one lesson i'm never going to forget!

Pull all 10 fingers away from the car door before slamming it shut!

..........

..........

Dont rub it in, I know!

I Want My Bed!

Ugh...i cant believe i'm actually up at 9AM on my HOLIDAYS!

Damn you exams!

Cant wait for it to end.

Stupid Mistake

Too dear a friend
i fear you are
through thick and thin
you saw me through
the years of pain
the joys of life
those childish games
that passed us by

Oh what a fool!

to hurt you so
to see you cry
those silent tears
you hide inside
need only ask
for a moments rest
eternity long
i'll make you laugh

Dont go i pray
dont pull away
too much we've said
dont let it fade
The heart that breaks
will mend again
let time erase
and heal in place

i love you so
oh dont you know
those words i've said
weren't meant to hold
throw it away
like a summer breeze
find solace
and forgiveness please
because you know
as its been told
please dont go
i love you so

Straight Fun

It all started off with free tickets. Have I told you I’m a sucker for free stuff? Well now u know :P

Anyway a friend of mine had some free tickets to BED. Free flow of alcohol promised - what more can a guy ask for! Obviously we went, although it was gonna be 3 guys. Mind you BED is a straight club, and its been awhile since i last stepped into one, so of course i was hesitant at first. I find straight clubs so boring now after discovering gay ones, but one of the guy going was cute so...what the hell! Plus we're pretty good buddies n he needed the company. Wont complain.

All in all, the party was great. What made the night eventful tho was when my friend got hit on by this girl. Now i can officially say I’ve been bought drinks by a girl :P Although not really, she bought us ALL drinks but wat the hell. We felt like such whores when she did, but a gentleman never complains about free drinks...or at least thats what I say. Funny thing tho, she did ask me if i was gay! I've been led to believe that I’m really straight acting by many, so what gave it away?!?!

AM I THAT OBVIOUS?!

I have to admit I’ve been quite lax in my pretence these days as I’ve grown more comfortable being myself and not having to hide myself anymore. I think the times finally come where i don’t really bother who knows and who doesn’t. So far life has been good to me. All the people who discovered about me, or me coming out to them, have been cool about it. Helps me embrace my sexuality.

There was a time i was really uncomfortable with even the thought of being gay. Never in my life had i imagined things turning out to be like this. In the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that friends are probably the easiest to come out to. Its the parents now that I’m afraid. However, that’s not going to happen anytime soon so I’m not really giving a thought about it for now.

Plus i got to listen to Cosmic Space Monkeys spin. Oh to see the super hunky JoeyG spin...heaven *drools* And they definitely spinned some pretty good shit tonight. I look forward to the next event that they have, straight or not!

Well, i need to head to MY bed now. Gonna crash so hard.

Hope u guys had a good weekend!



ps : There was this really good dancer there. OMG to see him strut his stuff...unbelievable. He had this funky dreadlocks going on but to see him dance...takes the meaning of mesmerizing to a whole new level! Wish i got to know him. U go guy!

Some Serenity Please

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


My heart has been in a state of unrest lately. Maybe it’s because of exams, or maybe it’s something else.

Sometimes I look back at the person I was before and think if maybe I should have just stayed the way I was. Life was much simpler then, and so was I. There were a lot of things I wouldn’t care about back then that takes precedent in my life now, more then I would like it to. But although things may have been better in the past, perhaps the transition is needed in order for us to truly find ourselves. Change is a requirement in this journey of life.

I guess I’m just afraid that one day I might lose myself amidst all the changes happening. Bad decisions that have brought about harsh consequences, and thus making me doubt myself occasionally. Looking back, I don’t think I really made an effort to stick to the infamous New Year Resolutions for the year, and now another new year is fast approaching.

The conclusion?

I think I’m just experiencing exam jitter right now. No amount of effort or time seems to be enough with the impending date closing in quick. I need more hard work!

Yes i know. My thoughts are everywhere.

Wish me luck!

Crash

too much mixed emotions
my mind grows confused
i wish i could see
the world as it was before
to know where i stand
to know where to step
but things are constantly changing
i just cant keep up
old demons arises
rekindling fire
to see the past in present
a muddle of time and emotion


Sometimes i wish i had all the answers.

With A Heavy Heart

I cant believe he's going to stop blogging! He was one of the very first gay blogs i stumbled across and his ever so entertaining posts has kept me hooked eversince. Its like reliving the end of Friends all over again.

If anybody needs me, i'll be in my room rocking myself to sleep asking 'Why!'. I think i'm having withdrawal syndrome.

Goodbye Jay, the internet is going to be alot less bright now with one more star saying goodbye.

Something Peculiar

Last night while waiting in the car for someone in ss2, this lady comes up to my window and knocks on it. She was probably in her early twenties, fair, and quite pretty.

At first i was reluctant to answer as the windows to that side of the car cant go down (thanks alot proton!) so the only way to listen to what shes gotto say is to open the car door. I tell you the amount of kooks knocking at your window these days, its best to be on the side of caution. But in the end, being the nice guy that i am, i opened the door to find out what she wanted.

Well this young pretty girl immediately went of rambling some long shit in chinese. Now i'm what you would call a banana, my vocab only limited to 'Have you eaten?' and 'How are you?'. Of course i've also learned to say 'I'm sorry i dont understand chinese' through the years of constant usage. So obviously i told her that, i dont understand what you're trying to say to me but she's persistant and just goes yes yes i know but blah blah blah....

Ok so i'm not exactly a complete moron in chinese la, i do understand some basic words. I could barely make out what she wanted and from my understanding, she and her mum are from China, just came to Msia, not enough money to eat, something about her dad coming tomorrow. So i figured she was asking money to eat. At that time her mum comes into the picture. I looked at her and she gave me this wave and a smile.

At this point in time i start thinking to myself, is this a scam? Because it really sounds like one to get me parted from my money, and i really love my money. So many things to buy this time around, so little money. But then again, what if it wasnt? I mean this poor (literally) girl and her mum would starve for the night. Damn i hate it when people put me in these kind of situations!

In the end, i just gave her 10 bucks. I figured i could afford to lose 10 bucks if it was a scam, but it would be able to feed the both of them incase her sob story was real. However, after handing them the money, she continued on talking and asking me something i couldnt understand. Luckly my friend came back to the car just in time so she had to move away from the window. After my friend entered i just gave that girl a polite shake of the head, waved and drove off.

I wonder if i was scammed? Hmm...

On the bright side, i won 30 bucks from mahjong that night so all's well again.

Schmutsy Artsy

I've never considered myself an artistic person. Although i do portray some traits of it as my friends tell me, it has always been limited to doodles and paintings done wayyy back in high school when we had art lessons. That was my favourite subject and i remember spending most of my time working on our projects more then any other subjects i had.

I remember my mother finally buying me this new set of water colour once , the one that comes in a blue box (Bunco? Something like that), and i was really really really ecstatic about it, like having my first orgasm, only better. Oh how i took care of those tiny colourful bottles, carefully using a spatula each time i needed a a little paint and then carefully wiping it clean before scooping out another colour. I used to be such an uptight ass! (Still am, which ever the context you're thinking of!)

The best part was, i even got angry at someone for mucking up the colours when he didnt clean the spatula he used and got some green in the blue. Man, was he shocked! Ask anybody who knew me back then and you'll know that i'm a very placid person and would hardly ever get angry over anything. So to get over such matter...the guy still remembers this incident till today.

Anyway as i was saying, i like art. The only reason i watch ANTM is solely for the photoshoots that they have and nothing more. I love the way those girls would strike a pose, the colours of the make-up, the funky hairdos and of course, the final photo outcome. Somehow a photograph is able to stir emotions that even words cant. Looking at magazines, i find myself staring enviously at the way the photographer manages to capture not just a stunning picture, but with every shadow evoking a different sensation.

Besides photography, a dear friend of mine also sparked my interest recently in a very talented singer/songwriter/artist by the name of Brandon Boyde. That dude from Incubus is actually one hell of a talent all moulded together. Browsing through some of the artworks that he's done over the years, i really wish i had the capabilities to produce drawings like that. Given the chance, i'd like to pick his brains and find out whats his inspiration (although Incubus fans out there would already know what it is). But for now, i can only sit at my computer and just adore him from a far.






Thats one of his artwork that i really like, and i'm considering to get it tattooed on my back. Wonder what my mum will say this time! She took the last one pretty well but i dont want to push it too far. Hmm...

Of Broken Words And Dreams

A promise is a powerful tool, use it wisely and great are the benefits to reap. But should you break them, you run the risk of breaking the heart of someone you care as well as losing that trust they've placed in you, and losing trust is much harder to get back then making a promise.

Why then do we make promises that even we doubt we'll keep? Even if its to assure somebody at some point in time, shouldnt we at least give it a thought before we utter those powerful words out loud? After all, we've all seen the damages of a broken promise! The promise to stay faithful, the promise to never see somebody again, the promise to forever love you, the promise to wait...how is one expected to ever put any weight in your words again if everything you've ever said never reflected how you truly felt?

Its so easy to say words isnt it? After all, thats how we communicate. We depend on people to express how they feel in order to judge the situation and make decisions. But amidst all the lies and deceit that infects the world now, it takes much more to believe in a person then it used to. Doesnt have to be an intentional lie, its just we've lost the art of really saying what we mean and meaning what we say. I guess with these kind of people we learn who they really are through their actions more because boy i can tell you, some of them can really say sweet meaningful things that will make your heart melt. Now, they just make my heart cringe!

______________________________

Its the simplicity of you that captivates my heart. Driving home last night with you resting on my shoulder, i guess it was always how i'd imagine things would be like with someone i love. Somehow you brought back the spark in me i thought i'd lost a long time ago. But just like people having dreams of a house with a garden and a picket fence, a dream is all its going to be. I'm not ready for anything and neither are you.

"Brought together by fate
kept apart by time"

Sometimes i wonder if its fear that brings us together or fear that tears us apart. The many tribulations of being gay.

Party People

Your heart beats in anticipation as you travel in the car. You know what the destination brings. Beneath the laughter and the jokes, lies the steady rhythm that cannot wait to be one with the music, to absorb its energy, and release it with a bang. You know its gonna be a great night.

Big strides as you confidently walk up those stairs. Already you can hear the thumping of the beat, that constant dub that makes your pulse race, and it grows louder as if calling your name. Heads turn as you enter, checking you out. You know you own the dance floor. And sex is the last thing on your mind, only the music. Thats all that matters. Thats all you're here for!

Ok so i went for Blackout at La Queen. Was abit hesitant at first, as me and another friend thought it was gonna be some dodgy night with no lights and plenty of groping going on. On the other hand, it did intrigue me as well. I've yet to go to a themed party night so i decided to make my debut, and quite a good one too i might add! Music was exceptional, and the DJ did play a couple of my favourite songs. Plus i got dragged up to the podium by some friends. Really, i dont know where i get the nerves to do this kind of things sometimes, but when the musics pumping, i get this natural high and it strips me off my reservations! Its bad i know!

So finally and hopefully with 2 nights of clubbing off my chest i hope to get back in gear for exams and revision. I still dont get it how some uni's can even schedule exams to start from the second week of january. Dont they know Christmas and New Year's specially reserved for pure partying?! Plus we'll need a few days after that to recuperate as well! Some people just dont get it.

Anyway mondays here once again. Hope u guys had a good weekend. I cant wait for the next!

Killing Me Slowly

Sometimes even i think i'm a big idiot. Why else would i subject myself to tortureously slow moving traffic...by choice!

There i was driving back from gym when i spotted a very, very long queue leading down towards the infamous Federal Highway (seriously this highway clogs up at really unusual hours!). So i had a choice, to just go straight and take a back road home (just as near) or continue with current set route. Easy choice no? Well u can guess which option i took, and nope its wasnt the back road!

Somewhere along my 22yrs of living, a certain amount of patness crepted into my life without me realising it. Ever since then, i have urges to take fucking congested roads, just so i'd know whats causing it, if any. This curse of mine has since caused me much grief and has driven me to the point of insanity (periodically) but still, i never learn my lesson!

Lucky me i wasnt caught in this one for very long, probably 15 minutes, before i reached my turning. Unlucky me, i did not get to see the severity of the accident. One might think its pretty morbid of me to want to witness accidents, but i just cant help it. If anyone has any solution to my curse pls feel free to share it with me. I'm sick of being drawn to it, like a moth to the flame. God knows i dont need more stress in my life!


ps : Once again i'm so glad i dont like girls! Their indecisiveness irritates the shit out of me.