Jatuh Ditimpa Tangga

Of late I've been acting moody and cranky for no apparent reason. And of course its driving him crazy. If I were of the opposite sex, things would be much easier to explain. Unfortunately I'm not.

And I have no idea about my mood swings either. Of course I know the triggers to them, but of late I'm being sensitive to a lot of things. Now I have a feeling that they were preludes to something worse. Like a harbinger of bad news. And then I receive that phone call!

I hate recession!

Its just so disappointing to receive such news so near the festive seasons. One less thing to be thankful for.

My heart literally stopped when I received the news. I heard what she was saying, but my mind was actually still at 'I'm sorry to inform you...'. And I can truly say I understand the meaning of sorely disappointed now. Even 5 hours later as I was walking towards my car, I half expected/hoped that someone would call back saying it was all a joke. I guess its just bad timing.

One thing I can be thankful for is still having my current job.

Plus I get to go for my KK trip after all.

Maybe this Christmas its time to be thankful for the present and not the future.


Ps: Anyone know if its legal for a company to retract back the offer letter after both parties have signed?

Mirror mirror on the wall

Dating a salesman is tough. You'll never know if he's absolutely lying, partially truthful, or completely honest.

Worst part is they cover their tracks so well.

I guess this is one of the hiccups in my relationship :(

Kev is

relieved that the renovation has finally started.

excited at the prospect of his new bathroom.

upset about not getting anything from the converse sale.

depressed at the lack of money to spend.

happy at the pressies he's bought.

facebooking way too much.

Beware of Fakes

Oh yeah?

Well fuck u too bitch!

Cause I Miss You

Shontelle
T-Shirt

Try'na decide Try'na decide
If I really wanna go out tonight
I never used to go out without ya
Not sure I remember how ta

Gonna be late Gonna be late
But, all my girls don't have to wait 'cause
I dont know if I like my outfit
I tried everything in my closet

Nothin feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Takin them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on

Hey

Gotta be strong gotta be strong but Im
Really hurtin now that you're gone
I thought maybe I'd do some shopping
But I couldnt get past the door and

Now I dont know, now I dont know If Im
Ever really gonna let you go
And I couldnt even leave my apartment
I'm stripped down, torn up about it

Nothin feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Takin them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin' you

Im'a step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
('cause I missed you, 'cause I missed you)
With nothing but your T-shirt on
(said I missed you ... baby)

Now I dont know, now I dont know If Im
Ever really gonna let you go
And I couldnt even leave my apartment I'm stripped down, torn up about it

Nothing feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

Nothing feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on

nothing but your t-shirt on
ooh let me tell you no
nothing but your t-shirt on
ooh let me tell you no
nothing but your t-shirt on

_______________________________________

I really hope they call this Friday.

The Wish

Sometimes I wish that love mattered. Only love. And nothing else would ever trump that.

Sadly, thats not the case most of the time. Sadly, we humans place more importance in things like religion and respect. Sadly, things like 'face' and dignity and honor comes way above love. And love is shoved in a corner, alone and forgotten.

I want to make my mum understand that what I have with him is just plain and simple love. Just as she fell in love with dad, so too do I want to fall in love with the man that's made for me. But I'm tired of all the fights - the yelling and the screaming. Even the tears. But worst of all, I'm tired of fighting against God.

To be honest, how can I ever win if ultimately God is brought into the picture? No matter how I try to see in another perspective, the Word is clear. And what I share with him is...forbidden.

Ever since I embarked on this journey, every step has been stony and uneven. The road I choose never gave one a moment's rest. And I'm so tired.

I have a dream. A dream that one day mum, dad, me and him could go to church together. A dream where I could freely worship without being discriminated. That we could have dinner at home and laugh at jokes, to talk about things that happened during the day and share our thoughts and opinions. And then gather round the tele for a movie...as a family. That Christmas would be a joyous occasion with everyone gathered round the tree and opening their presents.

Instead, all we have now are superficial banter about useless things. Safe things. Things that stay away from topics of relationships, marriage or family. And then there's the secretivity of trips and the when/what-time-are-you-coming-back's. I mean for fucks sake just say when you're leaving for your trip and when r u coming back! You think I'll only do 'wrong' things when you're gone?!

So if I could get one wish this Christmas to come true, I wish for love and all that love brings. Because God knows this world needs so much more then what we have of it right now. I wish that angels hear the cry of a boy and brings this simple request to the foot of the One that created heaven and earth. And then maybe, just maybe, this Christmas would be the best one ever.

Random Musing

Ok so I tried to make the shift from blogspot to livejournal. Didnt really like it there tho. Too many functions and gadgets and whats-nots. Maybe I'm just an old fashion kindda guy, liking my blog to just be that - a blog.

I guess the one upside that livejournal has is the friends only function. At least there I get to choose who gets to view what. Blogspot has always been a very public place in my opinion. You'll never know who's lurking behind that IP address. One only hopes to not out himself to someone you're not suppose to!

Anyway its been ages, once again, since I last blogged. I would love to blame it all on work and the lack of time thereof, but I know the truth is that I've actually lost the discipline to write. Been reading up on some of my old post and man, do I feel waves of nostalgia hitting me. How I miss some of those times! I read an article recently and it said that memory was the most precious thing us humans have. Without memories, we would have nothing to live for. How true is that, huh!

Well just to share a little gossip with you (and also for me own memory :P), me and the bf went to a gay massage last weekend for the first time. After hours of research and reading up forums on how these things go, we finally thought we were ready and knew what to expect. Evidently not! No hanky-panky stuff happened during the massage but man, at the sauna was a whole different story. Suffice to say, it was exciting yet dodgy. Wouldnt mind doing it again tho :P We're planning another trip but perhaps to a different massage place cos the one we went to gave me backache the next day :S

Oh and I'm in the process of quitting smoking too. Stopped about 5 months back with a few relapse but currently back on track. Man i have to admit, I really dont want to quit. I remember all those times where I would just step out to my balcony for a puff after a hard day, a retreat to my little private corner. Smoking always gave me a moment to clear my head - that 5 minutes of quiet solitude when i can just relax and not think about anything in particular. I guess there's also that certain amount of sex appeal that I'm missing. Sex doesnt feel complete now without that cigarette at the finale :S Anyho...wish me luck. I guess I just concentrate on the moolah that I'll be saving!

Goodbye

Hey guys...thanks for your feedback n sorry i'm so shit in replying comments. I'll be moving to livejournal from now on. Those interested in my pathetic life can ask me for my add..lol

It was a good journey but a new chapter awaits

Sometimes

Sometimes I just wish you'd show a little more interest in me. Like when I told you about the huge issue at work, I wished you'd ask me to elaborate. Instead you just continued on with you. And I'm left wishing.

Leona

If Rihanna's Take A Bow is the ultimate break-up song this season, then Leona Lewis's Better In Time is the perfect band-aid.

Btw, dont judge Leona by Bleeding Love. Tho the song was great and all, it didnt really show this girls potential. To know how good she really is, go check out youtube clips on X-Factor where she was discovered. Then you'll have respect for this girl.

Contra Mechanism

My body is a funny thing. I used to be able to do 40 push-ups in a set but not carry more then 10kg in a bench press. Now i'm able to bench press about 25kgs but not able to do more then 20 push-ups anymore.

:S

Anyone know why?

Freedom? NOT!

I'm devastated! Not only am i gonna miss the 3 days Labour Day party, I gonna have to give Freedom PD a miss too! Ok so i dont really mind Labours Day cos frankly speaking...i've not yet obtained that elusive six pack and i dont wanna appear in anything less than fabulous LOL (oh my the inner diva speaks :P) But to miss 3 huge names in Freedom is just soul crushing. Why oh why didnt they just let me finish 4 days earlier!?!?!?!?! And i have the feeling that everyone will be so partied out that nobodys gonna accompany me on my drunken escapades anymore after that :(

Take A Bow

I absolutely adore Rihanna's new song, Take A Bow. Call me a cynic but i have a feeling its gonna be popular amongst the gay community :)

Just hope i wont have to sing it one day

Don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show
Really had me goin',
Now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closin',
That was quite a show
Very entertaining,
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow

Melancholy

Yearning to appreciate the past
Cos what we had was good
And time has passed us by so fast
But in your town i saw, once stood

Broken Hearts, Broken Lives

Hillsongs
So You Would Come

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

_________________________________________

They played this song yesterday at the Easter presentation. Such a beautiful song. I remember it as one of my favorites when i was young. Each words so true that it embodied all my struggles. It still does.

Suddenly, i find myself asking 'What am I living for?'

Its true i constantly find myself battling between choices. It isnt the fact that one road is worn and well-used while the other less traveled, but more so that both roads are equally winding and have consequences that will hurt the people that I love very much. And both choices will hurt me eventually.

Today someone told me i'm very lucky to be attached to such a great guy. I wonder if thats really true. After all, i might end up breaking his heart. Sometimes one is pushed to do things that he does not want to. I've tried to push matters aside for as long as i can, but i can only delay what has to eventually be decided. The worst part is my heart is also unsure. If you ask me, i think that he's unlucky to be attached to me.

I used to ask God, 'If you did not want me this way, why make me like this? I certainly did not choose this path. It chose me.'

And in my quiet moments, the answer actually came to me. It wasnt one that i liked, certainly not one i hoped to hear, but the quiet voice in my head said 'God did the same thing. He came down to die for your mistakes. He could have easily turned his face from you, and yet he came.'

Because of His great love
He gave His only Son

Another chapter of my life is about to be complete. The pages have been written, and the conclusion almost made. I have to decide soon of how i want to start the next chapter of my life. I pray for wisdom and courage.

If Only

Ungu
Lagu Cinta

Di saat waktu berhenti
Mengikuti semua langkah-langkahku
Kau adalah satu satunya
Yang kuharap hadir dalam hidupku

Di saat mentari berhenti
Mencoba menghangati tubuhku
Kau adalah satu-satunya
Yang kutunggu hadir dalam jiwaku

Menerangi setiap sudut ruang hatiku
Memberikan kekuatan dalam setiap langkahku

Lagu cinta untukmu
Dari lubuk hatiku
Yang akan slalu ku nyanyikan
Sampa akhir hidupku

Lagu rindu untukmu
Dari dasar jiwaku
Yang akan slalu ku nyatakan
Di seluruh hidupmu

______________________________________________

If only my words were as sweet to describe our love
<3

For The Love Of V-Day

Its been 4 days past the much anticipated V-Day. And maybe the word 'anticipated' isn't the choice for everybody. But for me it was because for the first time, i had someone to celebrate it with. Somehow i always manage to miss those special occasions in all my past relationships, give or take a birthday or two.

But this year was different. So far I've looked past Christmas in a lovers embrace, shared a New Year's kiss and celebrated both our birthdays together. V-day no longer needed an organised gathering of the singles and a night ending in drunken stupor. This year, i had him to hold my hand as we made sweet, sweet love.

So when he asked me what should we do on that day, I stupidly replied nothing.

'Its just another over-commercialized day aimed to generate more money' I said.

-.-

And he took my word for it.

-.-

So we ended up celebrating Valentines in Kim Gary and later watched the finale of The Amazing Race Asia at home. (which was totally awesome btw cos Singapore won...such a lovely couple)

Of course I really wasn't bothered much about the lack of romance for that day because as much as I'd like to place sentiment on it, V-day just doesnt do anything for me. Unfortunately, I'm not the dinner and flowers kindda guy. However, what disappointed me was the lack of effort.

But this disappointment didn't cross my mind until he brought up the notion of buying a laptop. Now one of the key reason why we decided not to celebrate V-day was because we didnt want to spend unnecessary money on an over-priced dinner and here he was suggesting buying a 4k laptop. Of course he said that he needed it for work but the selfish part of me reasoned that if he didnt need one for 2 years, he certainly didnt need it now. Sure it would be a convenience, but definitely not a necessity.

And then he said something that made my blood boil.

'I didnt know I needed to show you physically how much I love you'.

Of course i was angry. Are you calling me a money sucking tramp?!?!

But it also got me thinking. Is this really who I'm becoming? Am I slowly morphing into that kind of person that I swore I'll never be? What happened to the guy who was contented with what he has?

The truth is I still am the same person I was before. I've always been me, what you see is what you get. Even my best friend knows you cant control the things that pops up in my brain from stumbling out my mouth, even if it means chaos. But one thing I've always placed importance in is landmark. Events marked by a special occasion. Occasions I can look back upon and smile and remember of good times.

I dont ask you to lavish me with gifts of gold or food fit for a king. All I've ever wanted and ever will is your love. But with love comes effort. And the effort to make an event a special occasion is worth much more then anything your money can ever buy. So you see my bf is 90% sugar and spice and everything nice but 10% a total duh.

So right now he's going crazy planning our anniversary and is expecting me to fly off with him to (suggested location: Singapore, Langkawi, Sabah) over the weekend to celebrate the occasion.

Crazy!

I have a thesis to finish writing ok. Plus my parents will totally kill both you and me if they ever found out. But I do appreciate the effort you're putting in now, even if its wayyyy overboard.

Because the flame of romance will one day die out, and if we're not careful and continue to be complacent, we might forget how to light that candle once again. And that would be a tragedy.

A Poor Man's Tale

Thank God CNY is coming up! Or else i'll have to satiate my hunger with mere grass and fresh air for the whole of next month.

Just blew a whooping RM250+ for my baby's birthday.

Lets start with dinner at La Bodega. OMG i just love that place! The food was a refreshing change from the usual pasta/pizza/kim gary dinners that we always have. Lucky i choose the right tapas as they all came with amazing sauces to dip our bread in. That alone almost filled us up (or me at least). Topped it up with a paella for two. Was really surprised how flavorful the rice was. By the end of the night, my face had almost turned the exact same shade as the wine we ordered...so shy! But it was such a wonderful experience. This memory made sweeter knowing that we're almost to our 1 year mark :)

Total damage for the night? RM175

Next was a shirt that i paid for him from FOS. Wasnt meant to be a pressie as he needed it for work, but i was afraid we wouldnt make it for dinner on his birthday as he was busy being choi san at work. Shirt cost RM60. Plus we ate at Sushi King for tea and the bill came up to RM35?

And i really wanted to get a shirt from TopMan that cost RM166. Its so out of my reach now.

Shit!!!!!!!!

I'm so broke! :'(

The Dream

He opened his eyes to find the house filled with people. They were sitting all around him - all silent, all dressed in black. He tried to catch their gaze, but those that looked up only looked past him. Their faces were etched with sorrow but it wasn't the kind of grief that one does for a good friend or a loved one. This was more of sadness at having to go through death.

Unable to get anyones attention, he decided to wonder the house. The people that filled it were all strangers to him. Some bore semblance to people he might have known, but none really showed any recognition of him. And so he walked on. Down a dimly lit corridor until he reached another section of the house.

It was a huge hall. Again like the other, the room was filled with people shuffling about. They all looked to the center of the room, staring at the black coffin that laid amongst a bed of brightly coloured flowers. With small steps, he slowly made his way towards it.

Funny how the room seems much smaller now, he thought to himself as he approached the coffin. In just a few steps, he found himself beside the polished black box. Suddenly the air was still and the crowd that was there a moment ago disappears, leaving just him and the black box in front of him.

The lid was up, inviting him to have a peek. He took a second to consider before tiptoeing and leaning forward to have a look. He was greeted by his own reflection, only his reflection had his eyes closed. It took him a moment before he could register what was going on, and then the fear came along with a gasp as he woke up.

2008

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
in these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
with these small hours, still remain,
they still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

~Rob Thomas
Little Wonders

A note to myself: As we celebrate the passing of another year and wonder whats in store in the next, learn to live for the moment. Take time to breath and appreciate the little wonders happening all around. Think twice before acting and let bygones be bygones. Most importantly, live a life you'll be proud to look back upon.

I guess one could say this is my resolution for 2008

When Your Gone

I miss you so much baby
that i sometimes wish u didnt have to go away
...at least not at a time like this
but still it cant be helped
and you really do deserve this trip
so i'm sitting here hoping u'll have a great time
whilst wishing u'd come home quick into my arms again
until then, i'd just continue to listen
to the playlist that i made for you
when I went away the last time

with love
k