Imperfection

I've come to realise that there are some people who gets emotional, verging on the edge of sentimental, whenever they write about themselves in private blogs. I guess i'm one of them.

Looking back at my life, i sometimes wonder what i'm doing and the paths that i've choosen. Most of the things that i've done, the sins committed, were mainly deeds that i did to try and define myself with. In the end, i'm left with a corpse that even i dont recognise. Right now, i would give anything to be able to turn back time. To right the wrongs that i've done, to undo the choices i'd made. But in trying to do so, each time i try to set things right, it always ends up screwed.

Lately i've been more than keen on going to church. As a child whos been brought up in church for all his life, i still find comfort in the divine no matter how hard i try to run away from it. Its like an unseen string which keeps pulling me back even through decades of hiding. And from there stems hope. Hope that maybe there is a purpose for me after all. Hope that God still has a plan for me even through all my imperfection. I use to hate the fact that i'd return to church only when the journey grew tough. I saw that as a sign of weakness, a need to depend on higher power when i could not solve my own problems. Maybe i thought wrong? Could it be that we have to go through rough patches in our lives just so that we can realise that we have to depend on someone else?

Obviously there were numerous reasons i gave myself to not trust in a God that was almighty. After all, how could one who created Earth not forsee the coming tribulations that the human race had to endure? And how miserably we would fail? How could one be so powerful, yet unable to intervene and stop war, hunger, depression, disasters and everything else that is unjust? How can one person be so perfect, while the one sitting next to him filled with flaws? And yet what is this flaw that we speak about? If truly heaven and hell exist, isnt all that we deem important really superficial compared to the fight for eternity? But still, we lust after what is fleeting, yearn for the things that only go skin deep - money, looks and popularity. While famine still spans across continents, we worry about growing fat. While war rages on, we worry about pimples. While people die of disease, earthquakes, and hurricanes, we worry about not wearing the latest fashion. Where is humanity?

I sometimes look at myself and ask God why did he make me the way he did, and the questions corroded my self-esteem. So i began giving myself reasons to not believe in Him. In true fact, it was i who was really blinded. Now i yearn to be the person i was before, but i've changed so much that i really cant find the old me anymore. The imperfections that i saw in the mirror were not really imperfections to start with. They were only reflections of the imperfections of the world. I had tried to change what was already perfect, already whole, and now i am left with a body scarred. I laugh at the foolishness of my actions through tears that streak down my cheek. It took me 22 years of my life to realise this. The irony of life and God was trying to tell us that from the very beginning.

My heart leaps for joy as i realise this. Suddenly it all becomes clear as words form through my fingers tapping on the keyboard but not coming from my own understanding. Knowledge is power, and to identify the problem is the first step to correction. However, just knowing isnt enough. Action has to be taken. I should go and talk to someone about my probles tomorrow. Oh how i know that. But fear grips me still. Am i really ready to change my life? To leave behind the burdens that chain me to the ground? Am i strong enough to refuse? To say no to the things that binds me? I admit this journey terrifies me, and i'm afraid to fall again. No doubt if things do not work out for the best, i will reach deeper depths than before. Only faith holds on, and faith is my only option now. I only hope for the best, and pray that i come out burned and scarred but victorious.