Heart brokened

One year ago, i fell in love. Things just kind of happened and suddenly, i was caught up in a relationship i didnt even realise was happening. Last April, i had my heart broken. The hurt came unexpected because i didnt even think we had anything going on till he slept with someone else. Today, the mended pieces of this fragile heart breaks again.

Somehow i dont think i'm built for relationships. I just cant stand this searing pain i feel each time someone walks away. The loneliness is too much to bear and the emotions too strong to control. But most of all, i hate the feeling of helplessness. To know that you cant do anything but let that person walk away.

The first time i met him, it was his smile that caught my eye and captivated my heart. It was raining that day but that smile of his looked as if it could chase away the clouds above and bring back the sun. As he greeted us, his pale blue eyes looked into mine and i knew i was lost in it. Like looking into a pool of clear water, his eyes reflected only the purest hue of blue dominated only by the black of his iris.

The heart aches for what i cant have. Although deep down inside i knew it could never become anything substantial, i was satisfied with living for the moment. I treasured every minute we were together. But now i know he's gone.

Nothing is worse then being friends with the one you want most. To be close to that person but knowing you'll never have him. Thinking back, i wish i could change the things i said, the things i did. But its too late now and things have gotten complicated.

'Ask me why i keep on loving you when it's clear you dont feel the same way for me...the problem is that as much as i cant force you to love me, i cant force myself to stop loving you'

Goodbye my friend. I hope that next year if i do have the chance to visit you, things will be different. I hope that we will remain friends and i will finally be able to find my way in life.

bisous
au revoir

One Sweet Day

Call me crazy but i finally know now what song i want to be played on the day of my funeral. Boyz to Men and Mariah Carey's One Sweet Day.

Contemplation

Exams are a drag! Even now, i constantly find myself drifting of somewhere to the near future (ie summer holidays) thinking of what i'm gonna do. But most of all, i find myself tweaking at the possibility of taking a gap year holiday and going somewhere far away to work as placement. However, i'm not sure if thats ever gonna happen seeing my past record in my studies lately are somewhat lackluster. To convince my parents that this will be a good idea will take a huge amount of effort, not to mention the amount of money they are gonna have to shell out to at least sustain my living expenses for the first few months. But if ever they should agree to it, u can bet i'll be working my ass off (working for the money and studying) to ensure that it happens. Anyway, i just hope i can work something out after the exams are done and over with. All i know is that this is getting pretty boring and i should have just completed my studies in Sheffield Uni when i had the chance. Oh well, u win some u lose some.

BAH!

Things have been alittle crazy for me lately. With all the ups and downs that i'm going through, its hard to keep track of my focus. Focus u ask? Yeah well to be honest there is no focus. A year ago, i told myself that this would be my second chance, the time to finally shine! To have students crawling and begging on their knees at my feet, pleading with me to enlighten them with the bountiful knowledge of Enginneering that i'd accumulated throughout my years at Sheffield University and share just alittle bit of it with them. To have parents throwing obscene amount of money just so i can tutor their children for one hour a week. No, really...i just thought that this year would be different - I would be different. But nope, still the same old guy standing here.

So here i am, sitting infront of my notes. All i see before me is scribbles. Seriously, who the fuck had time to come up with all these theories? Flux Density? Gauss's Law? (curse u Gauss!) Azimuthal field??? Thats not even a proper word! Anyway, i have been preparing for the past one month amidst the clubbing sessions, drunken nights, trip to Pulau Perhentian, mamak sessions, and birthday celebrations (seriously guys...too many April and May babies!) i find myself not the least bit prepared. However, the good news is that the 2 papers that i'd taken so far were pretty...erm...lets just say not out of my league. I dont wanna tempt luck/fate/destiny here but if it continues like this, i'll be having a great holiday. The first in 4 years to not have to resit any papers. Fingers crossed!

On another note

'I see u infront of me. U swerve left and u swerve right. U make it so clear to me and the car infront of you that yes u are impatient, u can drive really fast (90km/h?), and that you're so cool. We're in the fast lane and you try to cut out to the middle to overtake. But maybe because you're a retard, u just dont seem to seize the opportunity when it comes. So u continue driving left and right in the fast lane behind that stupid van. Yup, u're so cool!'

I swear that somewhere out there is a pharmaceutical company that pays retarded dumb fucks alot of money just to drive about on the road so that sales on blood pressure control pills stay rocket high in the market. Honestly, theres just no other explanation for the amount of stupidity you find on the road! I'm pretty sure that by the end of my degree course, i'll probably have to attend some kind of therapy just to keep my sanity incheck. One hour drive to and fro every single day on the highway...add this to the list of why ppl commit suicide!