Confused.Disappointed.Unsure

Recently i've been going out on dates with people whom i've met online. Not the usual me to do so but i figured its about time i started meeting real people and hopefully meet that special someone to share my life with. In the end, all these meets have left me more confused then ever.

Have you ever wanted something so bad in life that it clouds your judgment? To be so sure that you'll find happiness once you obtain it but when you finally do, something just seems amiss? I have to admit that i've been feeling lonely these past few months. Seeing couples around me doing the things i only hope to do one day, holding hands, hugging, watching movies - they all look so happy and contented. I thought to myself that if I ever do find that someone to love, I will be just like them. I would finally find my peace and the world would look right again. I was wrong.

Even though we went out on a date, had dinner, watched a movie (even holding hands), the usual stuff I've been yearning to do, it has all left me feeling empty inside. Leaving his place, I felt more confused then I've ever been. Maybe he isn't the guy for me, and this i knew deep down inside the whole time, but somehow I had expected to at least have some extend of satisfaction after it was all over. Emptiness. That was all i felt. Was it him? Was it me? Is it because I didnt like him?

I dont want to go back to that place i was before again. The uncertainty, the unknown. I thought that I'd figured all that out. I have no feelings for girls sexually and this I know. But somehow being with him didnt work out for me either. He just wasnt the same as the others. To be honest, he wasnt the most straight acting guy i know, neither was he particularly girly acting and maybe its unfair to compare him with my straight friends, but somehow it just wasnt the same. And by he its just the common term for the guys I've met not just one. Somehow i cant help but compare them to the guys I'm used to hanging out with. Maybe its just me thats too damn straight!

Hard as it might be, I think its still not the right time for me to start any kind of relationship with anyone. I'm a wreak and its unfair to inflict the same pain onto others. This need to be loved has to be put aside, the yearning for company locked up, and emotions kept inside again. Until the time comes, when everything feels right and this uncertainty goes away, I guess I'll have to travel this lonely road once more alone. I only hope this journey takes me to you before this brittle body crumbles away and only ashes remain to tell the story of a Romeo without his Juliet.