Confused.Disappointed.Unsure

Recently i've been going out on dates with people whom i've met online. Not the usual me to do so but i figured its about time i started meeting real people and hopefully meet that special someone to share my life with. In the end, all these meets have left me more confused then ever.

Have you ever wanted something so bad in life that it clouds your judgment? To be so sure that you'll find happiness once you obtain it but when you finally do, something just seems amiss? I have to admit that i've been feeling lonely these past few months. Seeing couples around me doing the things i only hope to do one day, holding hands, hugging, watching movies - they all look so happy and contented. I thought to myself that if I ever do find that someone to love, I will be just like them. I would finally find my peace and the world would look right again. I was wrong.

Even though we went out on a date, had dinner, watched a movie (even holding hands), the usual stuff I've been yearning to do, it has all left me feeling empty inside. Leaving his place, I felt more confused then I've ever been. Maybe he isn't the guy for me, and this i knew deep down inside the whole time, but somehow I had expected to at least have some extend of satisfaction after it was all over. Emptiness. That was all i felt. Was it him? Was it me? Is it because I didnt like him?

I dont want to go back to that place i was before again. The uncertainty, the unknown. I thought that I'd figured all that out. I have no feelings for girls sexually and this I know. But somehow being with him didnt work out for me either. He just wasnt the same as the others. To be honest, he wasnt the most straight acting guy i know, neither was he particularly girly acting and maybe its unfair to compare him with my straight friends, but somehow it just wasnt the same. And by he its just the common term for the guys I've met not just one. Somehow i cant help but compare them to the guys I'm used to hanging out with. Maybe its just me thats too damn straight!

Hard as it might be, I think its still not the right time for me to start any kind of relationship with anyone. I'm a wreak and its unfair to inflict the same pain onto others. This need to be loved has to be put aside, the yearning for company locked up, and emotions kept inside again. Until the time comes, when everything feels right and this uncertainty goes away, I guess I'll have to travel this lonely road once more alone. I only hope this journey takes me to you before this brittle body crumbles away and only ashes remain to tell the story of a Romeo without his Juliet.

Touch my heart
and touch my soul
Let me know the things you know
Cos i want to be apart of that secret life
The one you keep deep down inside

A single candle burning bright
In a room filled with darkness
But if a moth finds its way in
My flame will burn your wings
The single candle burns alone

So many places
so many holes
And yet why cant we be alone
The people they cant know
Why dont they just let us be alone

I want you
and i want you
Maybe just you,
or do i choose you?
I just want love
Does it matter who?
Why cant i choose you?
Maybe its not who

The Simple Pleasures of Life

Traversing down the Kepong Highway, gambling our lives on the newly reopened MRR2 with my best bud and his girlfriend in the car heading towards Ulu Yam, its the simple things like this that are truly memoriable. I've always believed that you dont need a fancy holiday with big extravagant resort hotels, or spend hundreds of ringgit to enjoy yourself just as long as you know how to appreciate the moments that go by. This i call the simple pleasures of life...

Of course with simple pleasures comes irritation n wastage of petrol too. What was supposed to be a short half hour drive turned out into nearly an hour and a half all because the organiser failed to get directions before the trip. To quote his words, 'Haiyah no need to ask la, we'll know it when we reach the place'. Well we did indeed find the place, parked the car, stepped to the entrance of it, only to decide that well, it isnt that place. And so we drove on, deciding that it was perhaps just alittle further.

Well just a little further turned to be really far n heading for nowhere. To be honest, the no signal that popped up on all three of our handphones should have been an indication that perhaps we were going the wrong way. Nooo...we all took it as a sign of seclusion and probably in each persons mind thought of discovering a 100 ft waterfall with pristine lakes, maybe an ancient artifact or two littered on the forest floor with huge trees towering over us, shading the forest bed with its gigantic canopy. I just wondered if my 0.9 megapixel handphone camera would take clear enough pictures if we stumble across Bigfoot.

In the end, we came across a spot with coverage n decided to call before we moved forward anymore and came closer to ancient civilization and discovering extinct species. Obviously from his look i knew it had to be the very first camp site we came across on our way here...i mean come on, not the first time something stupid like this has happened before. So turning around and heading back for it we managed to spend about another hour just lazing about by a miserable stream as we just talked and joked. Did i mention that there was some kind of military camp just next to us? Well yeah there was, probably training to hijack a plane and crashing it into some other monumental building, the usual stuff no biggie.

All in all, the trip was alright i guess. Nothing spectacular about the place, but i guess its the company that counts. Like they say, sometimes its not the destination that matters but the journey itself.

'Yes I'll take an order of ONS pls'

Funny how i'm always only in the mood to blog when things get rough and not when everything is going great, no matter how much has happened! Been meaning to talk about the extreme boredom some days were in Penang, or about that rude monkey that flashes his ass to passer-bys, or my very first 4x4 trip into Mersing jungle, but each time i sit infront of my com ready to type nothing comes out. Maybe its because as good as the happy times are, I'd rather know that i survived the bad ones.

Anyway, have been logging on to gay.com quite often now. Currently i'm checking out the peeps and just trying to judge the whole scene. Conclusion? Its a fucking dodgy scene! Seriously almost everybody online is just there for a quick fuck and thats it. Wat happened to dates? Or flirting about? Or even that short period where you go 'Does he like me?'. Since when were they replaced with a simple 'Wanna meet?' which assumes that yes i'll take an order of ONS pls?

I'm really curious about the whole scene in Msia and have been trying to meet ppl as best i can just to hopefully get a group of like-minded friends i can relate to and perhaps get support and guidance from but so far it has been tough. Honestly i dont believe that the whole PLU community in Msia are like this but wherever the good guys are, they're certainly hiding pretty good.

I guess wat they say about guys are true, that we think through our dicks.