Like Rants and Rats

Its been a freaking long time since i last posted. Not that i did not have anything to post about, its just everytime i sit down and decide to start typing something i get some kind of writers block. Do i write about the bullshist in my life? Or my opinions on world events? Maybe alittle insight of what i've gained into the world of sports (whatever little that is).

Well, right now, i'm gonna just fuck it all and write anything and everything that pops into my mind or the next post will nvr come to be.

Yesterday was B's birthday party. Overall, i'd say it was alright because there were great people at the party. There was a certain period however, when everything came crumbling down for me and that was at the end. Funny how a certain comment for some people can just send you tumbling down an emotional tunnel. One minute you're on top of the world, the next you're in fucking indonesia (thats the lowest place anyone can be in, unless you're only there for vacation). It made me think back of all those times when my friends complained that i was too sensitive.

2 years back and the slightest word or action unintentional could piss me off so bad that i would actually disassociate myself from that person. I read into peoples action and usually came up with crazy conclusions that usually left me out and alone in the cold while there rest of the group remained oblivious to whats happening. I swore nvr to be that person again. Someone told me this, 'You dont owe anybody anything, and everybody owes you nothing'.

Thus began a life of not giving a fuck about anybody began. I used to care and expected the same in return, but it rarely happened. So its better to just not bother. That way, i wont end up hurt. Just recently, my best friends grandfather just passed away. I nvr knew the extend of his grief till today after reading his blog. I did not realised the tears that he shed nor the saddness that clung to his heart. Everytime i called him during those days when his granddad was in hospital, i assumed he was just dying to get out of that place to hang out with us again. Insolent idiot! Even the condolence i offered to him was half-hearted and half-felt. I did not even bother to remember to say a simple word of 'I sorry' to his mum when we met a few weeks later. When did this monster become me, and where is the i in me. Is this the me that i want to be?

Another friend lost his mum to cancer, and i made sure nvr to mention mum or cancer around him. While others didnt really bother, i made sure nvr to talk about it because he didnt want to. Someone else writes in his blog about emotions that troubles him. I nvr bother to ask a simple 'How are you'. Things i would have done without hesitation, i now dont give a fuck.

Now the group is starting a joke that really pisses me off. Of course its just a joke, but i really cant stand it anymore. Do i change again because of this? When will the I start and the not me begin? I'm tired of it all. Tired of always being cautious, tired of change. But most of all, i'm getting confused. Maybe its time to just change everything. I used to find solace in solitude. Perhaps now is the right time to withdraw again. To concentrate on my studies and hope a bright future with a great job will change everything and allow the I in me to change as well.