Quickie

I'm cheerful today, and its of no particular reason. Was just finishing my jog and cooling down, walking round the neighbourhood with my ipod in hand when suddenly i just felt uplifted. Been trying to find a word that best describe that feeling but somehow i can't.

I like moments like this :)

Happy CNY

To all the people who've msged me in the past but have yet to receive a reply, i apologise for my tardiness. God needs to give me a bigger brain and more seconds in an hour, hours in a day, and day in a week.

Will be going down to Malacca tomorrow at blardy 7 in the morning and i'm still awake and have yet to pack my things up. Just wanna wish those that take the time to check this blog out a very Happy and Prosperous (very important!) Chinese New Year.

Enjoy ur holiday

Anybody up for clubbing next Saturday give me a shoutout!

A Little Upgrade

'There'll be sad songs to make you cry'

Particularly true for me as i have a mild obsession of listening to sad, sappy songs whenever i'm doing my work or just sitting in front of the computer mindlessly wondering around cyberspace, and i fear that its becoming something chronic. After all how many Sad Songs 1, Sad Songs 2 , Slow Songs 1, and so on so forth can one have in their playlist?

Now however, i fear that my condition is going to deteriorate further given the fact that i will be able to start 'emoing' as well even in my car thanks to my kindda new CD player. Yes ladies and gentleman, this big boy finally gets to listen to proper selection of music from now on and not be subjected to the tortures of radio (though entertaining at times la i must admit!) anymore.

Cant imagine saying this but, i cant wait to drive to uni tomorrow!

My Heart Goes Sha-La-La / Kenangan Terindah

Blardy blogspot finally forced me into switching over to the new version! Dont quite have the time to browse through it yet so i'm still impartial about it. Lets just hope they've not changed too many things, i'll hate to have to start figuring things out again.

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Although just completing a 5 hour karaoke marathon stint last saturday, i'm afraid that session only fueled my obsession all the more! Who wanna teman me sing?!

Caution: Might be subjected to torture.

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So the sad news is that Muse tickets are all SOLD OUT! Come on people its only 2 weeks before the concert, whats the rush! Where on earth is that Malaysian spirit of procrastination?! Sad and dejected, me and my friend now contemplate on bringing chairs and sitting outside the stadium as they perform. Pretty sure that the experience wont be quite as electrifying as being inside that place tho. Unless of course any of you kind souls have extra tickets and wanna sell it to me :)

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Samsons - Kenangan Terindah


aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun aku
mampu tuk mengenangmu

darimu….
kutemukan hidupku
bagiku…..
kaulah cinta sejati…

bila yang tertulis untukku
adalah yang terbaik untukmu
kan kujadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku

namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupku
yang tlah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah

Just a song that has been playing on loop for awhile now. I guess its best to leave the past as that and just hold on to the memories. Dont think he'll ever know how much i ache inside everyday thinking, holding back the tears whenever i recall of what we shared. But its best to leave it as it is, the past. I have my reasons for doing what i'm doing and i dont think anybody will ever understand.

He finally took me off the list.

Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Kenangan terindah

Of Rubbish, Fantasy And Gym

So there i was driving to uni when suddenly something caught my eye in the rear view mirror - black bags were falling off this rubbish truck behind my car. As those bags fell, they burst upon impact and suddenly its raining rubbish. I would have been so damn pissed if i was the one behind that truck. Thank God i was in front, so i was just amused :P

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Once upon a time someone drew me a fantasy,
Of a place far away where we would call our own.
Where coming home meant hugs and cuddles and kisses,
And bedtime meant listening to the rhythm of him gentle breathing.
Dinner spent with each other on the sofa with astro,
And mornings spent fighting for the use of the toilet mirror.
Weekends spent shopping for furnitures in Ikea,
Then returning back to the comfort of our very own home.
Now though that someone is long gone,
The fantasy somehow still lingers on.

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Today i shall mourn, for my trial period with California Fitness expires. Goodbye hunky working guys and six pack abs. I shall remember you, wonderful crunch machine and super 'i really want one too' glider. Ok so i only went for like 4 times but it was enough to get me hooked. Oh and theres something about all those men coming in their working attire that just makes my heart race and melt all at the same time. I've always had a thing for older guys and i guess its confirmed now.

Too bad i'm still a poor student (damnit!) or i think i would have joined ages ago. Had to resist the urge to just swipe my card and commit to 99 bucks a month for 12 months. My mum would surely go ballistic if i did.

I was telling ad that maybe i should practice my poker skill. Winning RM99 every month was possible, no? He told me to just go find a sugar daddy.

-.-

Random Thoughts

Somethings wrong! Seems like everybody is getting into the poker fever now...or maybe its just my friends.

Seriously, everwhere i turn my head, all i hear is poker night. Maybe Desperate Housewives is making a bigger impact on Malaysia then expected.

And then i start hearing of poker sessions where people actually win/lose up to 200-300 bucks! I dont mind the winning part, but to lose RM200 on poker??? Think i'll probably end up on the floor with foam coming out of my mouth.

Of course most of them are already working but i constantly hear them complain about being broke and being paid peanuts. I think its all just a scam to scare poor students like me from wanting to graduate and taking a bite out of their apple! Hmph!

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Been going out with some ex-uni mates recently and theres this guy that really catches my interest, and no i dont mean that in a sexual way. Its just the maturity that he exudes facinates me along with a few other characteristics that i really like as well. Coupled with the fact that he's rich and i think we've got ourselves ladies and gentlemen, the perfect bachelor! However its not all sugar and spice with this guy as i listen to him talk about life working for the dad and how he has to entertain his clients. Dont think i'll like any job with that aspect and certainly praying hard i wont ever have to be in one.

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Into the second week of uni now and i'm already stressed and worried. I've built up so much expectation out of myself this time that i'm constantly worried i wont meet my target and its really killing me inside. This week alone i barely had 7 hours sleep everyday (and i really need my beauty sleep) because of all the stupid random thoughts that keep swirling about in my mind, damnit!

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Well i guess thats all for me now folks i'm to lazy and tired to type anymore lol.

Too Drunk To Type, Somebody Stop Me!

Forgive me for i am quite drunk. Its been so long since i had so much to drink. OMG i really think i'm getting too old to club :S

Anyway, i swear, i will nvr go to zouk for Mambo Jumbo night ever again. Music????? Its horrible! Nvr in my life have i danced to such horrendious music! Never again

Why does my hair take so damn long to dry?! I really want my bed...sob sob....

Sry guys for such a post but its 5am and i really dont know what else to do while waiting for my blardy hair to dry, so allow me this one time to talk cock!

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Ok my hairs dry now, goodnight folks and happy holidays! Enjoy your hols!

Night

The Coming And Going Of Muse

Wow, i cant believe how fast i got here finally. After countless days of sitting idly, fingers tapping impatiently, i'm finally able to start writing a post within minutes of logging in. TMnet, i'm impressed. Now if you can only reconnect my torrents back on, i'll be eternally grateful...until the next time u fuck up :P

Anyway, so long has passed that i dont quite know what to write anymore. There have been numerous post since my last entry starting off with 'I've lost my muse' only to remain that way for about 5 minutes before i give up and log off again.

Somehow, i've lost the feel to write since the holidays started, if you get what i mean. To me, writing is not just about letting people know whats been happening to me, or putting pen to paper (metaphorically speaking obviously) about random thoughts, or even finding an outlet to rant, but rather more of an emotional thing. The words have to flow out in a strange kind of rhythm and rhyme before i can really write about anything at all. If i dont get the flow, i wont write, no matter how much i have to say or how badly i want to tell something.

So guys the next time you find no updates in this blog, just remember that its my muse going on holiday and has nothing whatsoever to do with me being lazy...really.

Anyway i guess this one update would be of significance because i finally had my first bloggers meet! *WooHoo* Have to admit tho, and it was pretty obvious as everybody was saying it, that i was pretty quiet. To be honest, i dont think i do well in big groups :) Especially to a whole bunch of strangers and first meets, dont expect me to be the chatty one in the group lol I fare much better 1v1 i think. But it was fun, getting to meet the faces behind some of the blogs that i read.

Oh and i'm quite psyched about Muse coming down as well. Cant believe that finally a band worth listening to is going to play in Malaysia. I think i'm going to get the RM 150 tickets although i can already feel it burning a hole in my pocket...oh wait, make that my whole pants! Lucky my dad got me a new camera to take beautiful pictures of Matthew Bellamy.


Mmmm.......


Ops sry got carried away. Anyway this back-to-school boy has to get his sleep now (and dream about Muse doing dirty things to him).

Goodnight folks!

-ZZZ-

Domino

"Heads you live,
Tails you die"

Finally, after one and a half weeks of holidays, i managed to squeaze in a movie! I've got lots overdue in my house, all loaned from friends whom have all but given up asking if i'm done with their dvds yet. So its one down, nine more to go...seriously! If the first one took a year to be seen, i wonder how long more before i'll be done with the rest.

So now that you know how long those dvds have been resting in my house, pardon the late discussion about the show DOMINO. This one i actually bought a few months back because i remember reading a review about it and it sounded interesting. My mistake, it wasnt interesting...it was awesome! I love the kick-ass version of Keira and that sultry eyes of hers! One look at those eyes can just melt my heart. Maybe i'm straight after all...lol.

Anyway, did a quick google on the real Domino only to find out that the whole money heist thing didnt really happened. Instead, according to wikipedia, she was a drug addict constantly high on drugs. Whats really brilliant is that, given this fact, it still doesnt really discredits the whole movie. I mean that whole episode really could have been what she thought she was going through during any of her euphoric states and its debatable. However, all does not go well for the real Domino though as she died from an OD. Wikipedia doesnt say anything about the little girl though so i dont quite know if that part was real or fiction and its too late to do any sort of fact finding.

Oh and Edgar Ramirez!!! What oh what can i say about him except he was so damn sexy! And that part where he stripped down to his briefs (and skimpy too :P) doing laundry, i had to hold a bucket under my head from all that drool! And contrary to what they all said, I totally found his spanish thing cute. Dont fret Ramirez, come talk spanish to me anytime you want! I swear we'll do a fucking lot more then just talk :P Makes me wanna go to Spain!

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I really need a longer holidays! i think i've only completed like 4/9 of my to do list, which is really bad. I've only had the chance to take an afternoon nap like one day so far and i really want to nap more before i dont have the chance to *sob sob! Plus i need to loan a four-wheel drive lol Anybody out there has one and is willing to loan it to me for a day? I will be eternally grateful! LOL

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Just checked my mail and found that Kmart spammed my mail asking if i was interested in joining some kind of health competition just because i wrote a post on going to the gym! Anybody else getting spam emails due to their blogs? Tell me i wanna know :)

Dont Know Of A Title

Ok so i think i might have scared a few people into thinking i've grown into this brooding, moody psycho maniac on the verge of killing somebody or facing a break down - far from it actually.

I've actually been pretty busy this holiday seeing its really too short a period so that kindda explains for the lack of post. Instead of being constantly online talking to people through a liquid filled glass, i decided to meet then in person and have decent conversations that dont involve 'lols'. Some of them i've been meaning to meet but not have the chance to in ages due to time conflict so its nice catching up again. Funny how people always drift apart in due time, tho i'm glad to say there werent any of those awkward moments of silence. Oh and poker is so addictive :P

Bought a leather belt today which i absolutely love. Was kind of a last minute thing as i stumbled across that new shop and just couldnt resist going in. Took a blardy long time to choose since i actually wanted to just buy every single belt they had. Too bad my wallet would never be able to withstand the heat and my card would probably melt from the amount being charged, so i had to settle for just one.

Well thats all for today, i've got to get up early tomorrow to paint my gate. So guys, seriously dont take everything in this blog too seriously. My life dont revolve around the things being said in this blog. Some of them are in fact the lowest in my priorities but i just love to rant sometimes.

Yet Another Angry Post

Is it just me, or is the internet still as slow as ever? Call it paranoia but I think that streamyx is just taking advantage of what happened in Taiwan to provide me with a crappy connection. Its so stupidly slow i don’t even feel like going online anymore. Probably one of the reasons for the lack of post. I just don’t have the patience.

So now that i AM here, what do i blog about? I could talk about how I’ve been spending my hols and the things I’ve been doing but really, who the hell cares what’s going on with my life currently! If I were at least semi-famous, some of you would probably give a shit about my life. I could talk about all the wild parties I’ve attended, or all those cute guys I’ve slept with, who's gay and who's not (celebrities I mean, who cares about us normal earthlings?!) Unfortunately, I’m just a regular guy doing regular things so get ready for ordinary things. Oh and angry things too because of late, my emotions have been in turbulence.

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I hate drama, and yet I’m the cause of drama. I hate people who pretend they’re fine but aren’t really fine. I hate insidious remarks and the people who make them. I hate being kept in limbo. Yes I hate a lot of things, and most of all, I never thought I’d have to face them in my life, and certainly not from people whom I’ve cared for before.

Right now, like I’ve said, fuck it. I don’t really care if I ever talk to some people ever again. I didn’t need them when they weren’t in my life and I certainly don’t need them now. Oh and I also hate people who think they know it all just because they’ve gone through it all.

I have given it a lot of thought about whether I should post a post like this and risk losing some people permanently. Well its obvious what my decision is. And Chien, really I’m fine. In fact I was feeling great a few moments ago, but this has been on my chest and I’m really starting to get annoyed that its affecting me for so long and keeps coming back in my quiet hours. Worse part is I’m not supposed to be the one hurting, or so everybody keeps on thinking. So its best to just let it all out and seriously, I feel much better now.

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So with that out of the way, I guess its not too late for a fresh start…yet again! But whats life without changes right? Maybe this time I’ll get it right.

Now, who wants to date me? lol

FUCK IT

Seriously, fuck it! I dont give two shits anymore how ppl view me or which side of good or evil i'm on. From now on its all about me and no one else. Go moan about it all you want, just dont drag me in that mud of yours anymore.

Fuck it!

Whoever invented this word is a brilliant genius!

Is This?

Goodbye
by Air Supply


I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have much more
I can feel your heart and I simpathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life


I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye


You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me


I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Open The Cage Doors!

Only one more day before my last exam but I'm already planning out my holidays. How bad is that!

The list so far:
1) Fishing with my best bud!
2) Karaoke! (I shall sing my sorrows away!)
3) Exercise. (I binged so much on junk this time!)
4) Shopping. (I'm a failure as a gay. This should be top of the list i know...lol)
5) Go Genting. (I need a change of scenery)
6) Read! (I have 2 books on hold so far - The Time Travelers Wife and Angels and Demons)
7) Club. (DANCE, DANCE, DANCE - need i say more?)
8) Paint my room. (Makeover needed)
9) Paint the house grill? (Have to contribute to the family - i can already see my mum sourcing for a new son, probably one that will give her a wedding to attend and involves a bride in it too!)
10) Open for suggestion!


Anyway, just a quick update.

Exams have been hell. Can barely find the will to concentrate on whatever topics i need to be working on, ie like now! Certain issues at hand which I'm not too proud off keeps nagging at the back of my mind. I cant decide on what i want right now in my life and its killing me! Plus i keep hurting the ones that matter to me - if theres one thing i aim to accomplish in 2007, that would have to be to sort out my priorities and stick to my decisions. I'm too fickle for my own good. Being the occasional moron doesnt help too!

Basically, the past yr has seen me grow in terms of accepting my sexuality. Got into a relationship, got out of a relationship, got to know many new people (some of whom i'm afraid i left a pretty bad impression with). But i guess i've yet to find a group of like-minded friends out there that i really feel comfortable with. Just realised its not easy for me to just accept anyone into my life. Friends are alright, but to nurture that special bond...thats a different story.

On the lighter side of things, Mich is coming back to Malaysia! Woohooo!! Welcome back girl, although i know u're already missing all that sex...lol! Dont worry bout it, we'll just have to make many, many, many trips to places that do encourage crazy random sex with beautiful strangers ie Thailand. Of course i'll be leaching off u alot since you'll be working and i'm just a poor, poor student *sniff sniff* :P Oh not to forget mahjong sessions! How we've missed ur tiles.

OK i think i'm getting ahead of myself now. I can almost taste the sweet dew of freedom and thats bad! Back to the books.

Heres to wishing all you folks a great week ahead.

False Happiness

Sometimes when I sit outside my balcony for a smoke, I see a little beetle buzzing against the glass panel of the door trying to get into the room. Is it the light from inside that attracts this little insect to it? Does it think that daytime is happening there while it remains trapped in the region of night? Even so, doesn’t it know that what it seeks for is only an illusion of the real thing?

It made me wonder, how many of us are like this little beetle? How many of us actually seek for an illusion that isn't real? A fantasy we strive so hard to achieve, telling ourselves over and over again that if we only had it, our lives would be fulfilled. Could be in areas of relationships, jobs or even family and friends. The scary thing is we wont know if it's going to be just an illusion, or if it is the real deal until we finally get it.

Like the beetle, we persistently and continually plow through all obstacle, trying to achieve our goals. What happens when we finally do succeed? We find ourselves stuck in a room with false light. Suddenly we realize that although things may look alike, its not really what we were looking for.

Unfortunately, not many are lucky enough to find their way out again from that false light. We end up circling the room, trapped in a maze of confusion. Worst still is that some may continually live in the lie, convincing themselves that this is really what they want. I guess one could say that we make do with the best. Its sad to know that we compromise on happiness.

But as i sit here watching, I realize something else. Although the beetle may try to enter this room now, it will also try to get out once dawn approaches and it realizes that its on the wrong side. With that same gritty determination, I know this little beetle will continually buzz at the door, trying to find a way to get out until it succeeds when morning comes. And when it finally does, life doesn’t miraculously become better. It still faces the daily dangers that nature throws at it, but at least its now on the right side of its world.

"Life is a constant struggle
but we fight each day to make it better"

I guess it doesnt matter if we get lost along the way sometimes, what matters is we do not give up but fight to find the way again.



*Edit

After such inspiration drawn from that little beetle, i'm dissapointed to say that the little guy failed me. Going out for a second smoke, I see it's carcass protruding rudely from the mouth of a lizard. That cheeky bugger (the lizard i mean) even had the nerve to let out a little chuckle! Greedy bastard!

Exponentially Going Down

Sometimes its just too much.

With less then a day before exams, i already feel like i've lost. The overwhelming feeling of regret, guilt, dissapointment, anger and hopelessness is all making this too much to cope.

Tired of it all.

Tired of myself.

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Stuck here in my hole
a well i dug myself
a single lamp shines bright
the famous midnight light

To stare at figures and numbers
to comprehend such losses
to understand those switches
the pressure really amasses

I really wish to throw it all away
to think of better days ahead
to dream of sunlit beaches
and sandy shores,
of ice cold beers
where laughter roars.

Digi rocksors

Was driving back from uni just now when i heard the new Digi advertisement on radio. It was hilarious! People around me must have thought i was crazy, cos i was laughing really loud. But seriously, you have to admit that the ad really is good, not to mention creative as hell.

I need more ads like these to put a smile on me the next time i get into a jam!

Even the ones on tv were kindda nice. Whoever came up with the idea of always with you is brilliant.


.......


Ok back to being on hiatus

On Hiatus

Stressed + Lazy + Slow connection = No post

See you guys in 2 weeks time!


Oh and Happy New Year

Something Weird

I'm a guy of routine. Everything that I do has to have some kind of order planned out before I can execute them. When I go to the gym, I have to know what my workout order will be for the day and what machines will I be using, or I wont get much done. If somebody is using the machine I wanna use, I just wait for him to be done before I can move on with other sets. Unlike others, I can’t just skip that set and move on then come back to do it. When I study, I have to set a time limit before I can start and how much I have to cover in that time scope. That’s why its hard for me to hit the books if I know I have less then 2 hours of study time ahead, 2 hours is the minimum limit for me.

Same goes for when I sleep. I have a set routine I go through before I sleep every night. Usually I’ll take my final cigarette for the day on my balcony, then wash my face and clean up. I'll then set the alarm for the next day, set the timer off for the air-con, check my phone if it needs charging, make sure my water bottles by my bed, switch off the lights then go to sleep. I cant sleep with the lights on.

So it was weird to find the lights on the next day when I woke up yesterday. I remembered opening my eyes groggily and the first thing that struck my mind was why the lights were on. There was no way anybody could have come into my room because I lock my doors when I’m in my room and they were still locked when I went to check. Was a little freaked out. Maybe I’m starting to sleep walk again? I used to do that when I was little. I don’t even want to think of the other explanation!

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I know it’s a bit late, but I’ve found a gem in Jem. I'd wanted to download her album for ages but never got around to doing it till a few days back and I have to say I love it! Thumbs up to Missing You. Such a perfect song for those still hung up about a lost love or an ex. I can just see myself sitting in the dark with that song playing on loop. But seriously go download that song and check it out. My description does it no justice.

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
this day would come
Now all I'm feeling
is lost and numb

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
a happy song
But my happiness disappeared
the moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

My Gay Straight Friend

My friend recently went to Langkawi to celebrate Christmas.

He came back bearing gifts.

One of them was a pack of rose flavored cigarettes, all pink in color including the sticks themselves. The excitement on his face when he pulled those out, hilarious. Addy sometimes i swear you're so gay!