After everything, i've come to realise that i'm actually very tired mentally. All the things that have happened to me recently has actually drained whatever energy i have left in me, and now i dont even have the strenght to carry a proper conversation without feeling somewhat sad. Its like cracking a joke actually takes effort now.
Even my perspective on life has changed. Suddenly the world seems alittle darker, as if someones taken just that little bit of sunshine out of my life. When i was stressed out studying for my finals afew weeks back, all i needed to do was step out onto my balcony and let the sun just wash over me to feel better. Its the same back when i was in UK as well. After months of not seeing the sun for more then a few minutes, summer came as a much needed relief. I cant tell you how good it feels to just stand under that golden ray, just basking in the heat that somehow makes one feel so alive.
Today it dawned on me that i've been living a double life all this time - the straight part and the queer part. Now its like the both parts of my life are finally merging and i just dont know wat to feel about it. When i think back about the times we spent together, it was as though it didnt happen here in Malaysia but some other world, as if i really was in a different place. But yesterday when i went out with my cousins, met up with friends, it all seems weird that i actually had an old life i'd almost forgotten. Until now i've been trying to understand it myself but i can find no words to describe this sensation. Weird is just the best word for it.
These few days have actually been pretty busy for me. So many ppl have been actually calling me out for yum char sessions, mahjong, karaoke, cycling, swimming, dotaing but i rejected them all. And then there are those i really wanted to meet up with and actually made appointments with them to meet up before i leave for penang but now i just dont have the strength to put on that happy mask again. I know its bad but all i want to do is stay at home and try to sort out all these emotions that are seriously fucking me up. In the end tho, i just keep going around in circles.
I wish there was someway i could explain all that i'm going through in this blog because then i know that i'll have sorted things out. 'You dont clearly understand the things that are going through your mind until you can write them out properly' thats what i say.
Anyway like velvet revolver says, i'm moving on.
God i love that song!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Aftermath
Since i last met him, he was the first thing i thought about when i woke up and the last when i slept. Choices became hard when i was around him. How should i act? What should i say?
I guess you could say this was a major crush and nothing more. After all, we werent really that close, and i knew it could nvr materialise into anything more then friends. Its just when sex comes into the picture everything really becomes more complicated, at least for me it does. I tend to read into every action made or every word said more.
I cant believe how much i lost my head this time around. To be honest, this whole episode still seems so sureal. Because of this i've finally come out to 3 of my good friends. Maybe despite all the hurt i'm going through, some good has come out of it. They were all pretty cool about it although i know some will need more time to absorb all that i said, but they were alright. And it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. No the world didnt come crashing down. And no they did not leap out of their seats to come and beat me up into a pulp. They were just stunned. The alcohol really helped too. I doubt if i was not as drunk as i was that night i wouldnt have told them still.
Right now, i'm trying to pull back just alittle. I think i'm getting on his nerves with the constant msg's i'm sending him over msn while he's at work. Dont get me wrong, i'm no weirdo! Its just everytime i see him online, i feel like having a little chat with him. Plus i think its manners. But now, i think i'm just gonna leave the ball in his court. If he feels like chatting let him make the first move. I shall hold back and give him the space he needs/wants?
Sometimes life is cruel. You never expect the things that happens to you but when it does, what is good sometimes turns out different from what you were expecting. I've never had to go through emotions like this before and i guess its a good experience on my part. I admit i'm alittle green in terms of relationships. All the others i've been through before, well i have to say that the other person wanted me more then i wanted them. Its only fair that i go through that side of the fence now.
After doing all that thinking, i've realised that nothings actually changed except for that night. He's actually been acting the same as he's always done. And its not like he's pulling away from me or anything like that. In fact, i doubt he even sees a problem between us. However, i know that somethings changed, or at least on my part it has. Anyway i'll just go on living my life how i've always done before and hope everything turns out alright. Going down to penang will help too. At least the change in environment plus work might just sort me out.
Fingers crossed.
I guess you could say this was a major crush and nothing more. After all, we werent really that close, and i knew it could nvr materialise into anything more then friends. Its just when sex comes into the picture everything really becomes more complicated, at least for me it does. I tend to read into every action made or every word said more.
I cant believe how much i lost my head this time around. To be honest, this whole episode still seems so sureal. Because of this i've finally come out to 3 of my good friends. Maybe despite all the hurt i'm going through, some good has come out of it. They were all pretty cool about it although i know some will need more time to absorb all that i said, but they were alright. And it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. No the world didnt come crashing down. And no they did not leap out of their seats to come and beat me up into a pulp. They were just stunned. The alcohol really helped too. I doubt if i was not as drunk as i was that night i wouldnt have told them still.
Right now, i'm trying to pull back just alittle. I think i'm getting on his nerves with the constant msg's i'm sending him over msn while he's at work. Dont get me wrong, i'm no weirdo! Its just everytime i see him online, i feel like having a little chat with him. Plus i think its manners. But now, i think i'm just gonna leave the ball in his court. If he feels like chatting let him make the first move. I shall hold back and give him the space he needs/wants?
Sometimes life is cruel. You never expect the things that happens to you but when it does, what is good sometimes turns out different from what you were expecting. I've never had to go through emotions like this before and i guess its a good experience on my part. I admit i'm alittle green in terms of relationships. All the others i've been through before, well i have to say that the other person wanted me more then i wanted them. Its only fair that i go through that side of the fence now.
After doing all that thinking, i've realised that nothings actually changed except for that night. He's actually been acting the same as he's always done. And its not like he's pulling away from me or anything like that. In fact, i doubt he even sees a problem between us. However, i know that somethings changed, or at least on my part it has. Anyway i'll just go on living my life how i've always done before and hope everything turns out alright. Going down to penang will help too. At least the change in environment plus work might just sort me out.
Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Heart brokened
One year ago, i fell in love. Things just kind of happened and suddenly, i was caught up in a relationship i didnt even realise was happening. Last April, i had my heart broken. The hurt came unexpected because i didnt even think we had anything going on till he slept with someone else. Today, the mended pieces of this fragile heart breaks again.
Somehow i dont think i'm built for relationships. I just cant stand this searing pain i feel each time someone walks away. The loneliness is too much to bear and the emotions too strong to control. But most of all, i hate the feeling of helplessness. To know that you cant do anything but let that person walk away.
The first time i met him, it was his smile that caught my eye and captivated my heart. It was raining that day but that smile of his looked as if it could chase away the clouds above and bring back the sun. As he greeted us, his pale blue eyes looked into mine and i knew i was lost in it. Like looking into a pool of clear water, his eyes reflected only the purest hue of blue dominated only by the black of his iris.
The heart aches for what i cant have. Although deep down inside i knew it could never become anything substantial, i was satisfied with living for the moment. I treasured every minute we were together. But now i know he's gone.
Nothing is worse then being friends with the one you want most. To be close to that person but knowing you'll never have him. Thinking back, i wish i could change the things i said, the things i did. But its too late now and things have gotten complicated.
'Ask me why i keep on loving you when it's clear you dont feel the same way for me...the problem is that as much as i cant force you to love me, i cant force myself to stop loving you'
Goodbye my friend. I hope that next year if i do have the chance to visit you, things will be different. I hope that we will remain friends and i will finally be able to find my way in life.
bisous
au revoir
Somehow i dont think i'm built for relationships. I just cant stand this searing pain i feel each time someone walks away. The loneliness is too much to bear and the emotions too strong to control. But most of all, i hate the feeling of helplessness. To know that you cant do anything but let that person walk away.
The first time i met him, it was his smile that caught my eye and captivated my heart. It was raining that day but that smile of his looked as if it could chase away the clouds above and bring back the sun. As he greeted us, his pale blue eyes looked into mine and i knew i was lost in it. Like looking into a pool of clear water, his eyes reflected only the purest hue of blue dominated only by the black of his iris.
The heart aches for what i cant have. Although deep down inside i knew it could never become anything substantial, i was satisfied with living for the moment. I treasured every minute we were together. But now i know he's gone.
Nothing is worse then being friends with the one you want most. To be close to that person but knowing you'll never have him. Thinking back, i wish i could change the things i said, the things i did. But its too late now and things have gotten complicated.
'Ask me why i keep on loving you when it's clear you dont feel the same way for me...the problem is that as much as i cant force you to love me, i cant force myself to stop loving you'
Goodbye my friend. I hope that next year if i do have the chance to visit you, things will be different. I hope that we will remain friends and i will finally be able to find my way in life.
bisous
au revoir
Sunday, May 14, 2006
One Sweet Day
Call me crazy but i finally know now what song i want to be played on the day of my funeral. Boyz to Men and Mariah Carey's One Sweet Day.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Contemplation
Exams are a drag! Even now, i constantly find myself drifting of somewhere to the near future (ie summer holidays) thinking of what i'm gonna do. But most of all, i find myself tweaking at the possibility of taking a gap year holiday and going somewhere far away to work as placement. However, i'm not sure if thats ever gonna happen seeing my past record in my studies lately are somewhat lackluster. To convince my parents that this will be a good idea will take a huge amount of effort, not to mention the amount of money they are gonna have to shell out to at least sustain my living expenses for the first few months. But if ever they should agree to it, u can bet i'll be working my ass off (working for the money and studying) to ensure that it happens. Anyway, i just hope i can work something out after the exams are done and over with. All i know is that this is getting pretty boring and i should have just completed my studies in Sheffield Uni when i had the chance. Oh well, u win some u lose some.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
BAH!
Things have been alittle crazy for me lately. With all the ups and downs that i'm going through, its hard to keep track of my focus. Focus u ask? Yeah well to be honest there is no focus. A year ago, i told myself that this would be my second chance, the time to finally shine! To have students crawling and begging on their knees at my feet, pleading with me to enlighten them with the bountiful knowledge of Enginneering that i'd accumulated throughout my years at Sheffield University and share just alittle bit of it with them. To have parents throwing obscene amount of money just so i can tutor their children for one hour a week. No, really...i just thought that this year would be different - I would be different. But nope, still the same old guy standing here.
So here i am, sitting infront of my notes. All i see before me is scribbles. Seriously, who the fuck had time to come up with all these theories? Flux Density? Gauss's Law? (curse u Gauss!) Azimuthal field??? Thats not even a proper word! Anyway, i have been preparing for the past one month amidst the clubbing sessions, drunken nights, trip to Pulau Perhentian, mamak sessions, and birthday celebrations (seriously guys...too many April and May babies!) i find myself not the least bit prepared. However, the good news is that the 2 papers that i'd taken so far were pretty...erm...lets just say not out of my league. I dont wanna tempt luck/fate/destiny here but if it continues like this, i'll be having a great holiday. The first in 4 years to not have to resit any papers. Fingers crossed!
On another note
'I see u infront of me. U swerve left and u swerve right. U make it so clear to me and the car infront of you that yes u are impatient, u can drive really fast (90km/h?), and that you're so cool. We're in the fast lane and you try to cut out to the middle to overtake. But maybe because you're a retard, u just dont seem to seize the opportunity when it comes. So u continue driving left and right in the fast lane behind that stupid van. Yup, u're so cool!'
I swear that somewhere out there is a pharmaceutical company that pays retarded dumb fucks alot of money just to drive about on the road so that sales on blood pressure control pills stay rocket high in the market. Honestly, theres just no other explanation for the amount of stupidity you find on the road! I'm pretty sure that by the end of my degree course, i'll probably have to attend some kind of therapy just to keep my sanity incheck. One hour drive to and fro every single day on the highway...add this to the list of why ppl commit suicide!
So here i am, sitting infront of my notes. All i see before me is scribbles. Seriously, who the fuck had time to come up with all these theories? Flux Density? Gauss's Law? (curse u Gauss!) Azimuthal field??? Thats not even a proper word! Anyway, i have been preparing for the past one month amidst the clubbing sessions, drunken nights, trip to Pulau Perhentian, mamak sessions, and birthday celebrations (seriously guys...too many April and May babies!) i find myself not the least bit prepared. However, the good news is that the 2 papers that i'd taken so far were pretty...erm...lets just say not out of my league. I dont wanna tempt luck/fate/destiny here but if it continues like this, i'll be having a great holiday. The first in 4 years to not have to resit any papers. Fingers crossed!
On another note
'I see u infront of me. U swerve left and u swerve right. U make it so clear to me and the car infront of you that yes u are impatient, u can drive really fast (90km/h?), and that you're so cool. We're in the fast lane and you try to cut out to the middle to overtake. But maybe because you're a retard, u just dont seem to seize the opportunity when it comes. So u continue driving left and right in the fast lane behind that stupid van. Yup, u're so cool!'
I swear that somewhere out there is a pharmaceutical company that pays retarded dumb fucks alot of money just to drive about on the road so that sales on blood pressure control pills stay rocket high in the market. Honestly, theres just no other explanation for the amount of stupidity you find on the road! I'm pretty sure that by the end of my degree course, i'll probably have to attend some kind of therapy just to keep my sanity incheck. One hour drive to and fro every single day on the highway...add this to the list of why ppl commit suicide!
Monday, April 03, 2006
When Goodbye seems so hard
Our options in life are usually simple. Its easy to see with a logical mind the paths we should take and the ones that we shouldnt. But its only when emotions come into play that everything changes. Suddenly white isnt all that white and black isnt really as black as it seems. If only we could just take our feelings out of the equation, it would simplify alot of things.
How do you forget someone who isnt in the picture? To stop those feelings growing inside but stem from nowhere? Love is such a great thing, but it is also such a burden. The things that we do in the name of love, most would call it insane. Majority of us will remember the first time we ever fell in love, the feeling of being the happiest person in the world, going about as if the world was such a great place to live in. What most of us wont remember is the bumps in the road, the ache we get in our heart which hurts so bad and wont go away. There is no medicine for that. No cure. When the end is inevitable, our world begins to collapse and the rest just crumbles away. Mutual or not the feeling still remains. Perhaps we choose to forget this part because we dont want to. It stains love and yet its what makes love so beautiful.
So no, dont call. Because as good as it sounds, the best thing is to forget it ever happened. And then maybe, just maybe, the hurt will go away.
How do you forget someone who isnt in the picture? To stop those feelings growing inside but stem from nowhere? Love is such a great thing, but it is also such a burden. The things that we do in the name of love, most would call it insane. Majority of us will remember the first time we ever fell in love, the feeling of being the happiest person in the world, going about as if the world was such a great place to live in. What most of us wont remember is the bumps in the road, the ache we get in our heart which hurts so bad and wont go away. There is no medicine for that. No cure. When the end is inevitable, our world begins to collapse and the rest just crumbles away. Mutual or not the feeling still remains. Perhaps we choose to forget this part because we dont want to. It stains love and yet its what makes love so beautiful.
So no, dont call. Because as good as it sounds, the best thing is to forget it ever happened. And then maybe, just maybe, the hurt will go away.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Till Death
Branches slaps at his face as he is running, clawing at his skin like a wild cat angered. It leaves open wounds next to scars formed years ago. The pain he felt was refreshing and took his mind away from the cramps and numbness of his legs. His vision is blurry - unable to focus and exausted. He can feel the blood ozing out of him. Droplets of sweat and blood fuses together to form a concoction that falls on the darken earth of the forest bed, leaving behind a trail as he runs. Maybe it is this that allows it to still follow him, but he doesnt know.
'Is it still behind?' he wonders.
Not daring to look back, he quickens his strides further hoping to widen the gap between him and the shadows dancing around him. The rhythm of his breath grew erratic. He could feel the pounding of his heart against his chest and the pain grew more with every step he took. His shirt was plastered to him caked in dirt, sweat and blood. Everything about this boy looked animalistic now as he ran through this maze of trees and vines.
'Is it still there?' he wonders.
The question repeats itself in his mind. It was a question he had asked himself since the running began and yet after years, it remains unanswered. What started out as one became many, and what was many became one. He could no longer tell what it was that was chasing him, no longer knew what it is he was running away from. All he knew was that it was not over.
Once in awhile he would catch a glimps of eyes red as fire, or feel the scaly skin brush against his arms, or the smell of something so foul no comparison can be made. Nothing could describe the horror he felt, nor the fear that grips his heart everytime the creature appears. Hard as he tries, he cant seem to shake off the demons that follow him. Every fiber within his body screams out in protest as fatigue sets in but he knows he has to keep running. It was his past, his present and his future. There was no way out.
'Is it still behind?' he wonders.
Not daring to look back, he quickens his strides further hoping to widen the gap between him and the shadows dancing around him. The rhythm of his breath grew erratic. He could feel the pounding of his heart against his chest and the pain grew more with every step he took. His shirt was plastered to him caked in dirt, sweat and blood. Everything about this boy looked animalistic now as he ran through this maze of trees and vines.
'Is it still there?' he wonders.
The question repeats itself in his mind. It was a question he had asked himself since the running began and yet after years, it remains unanswered. What started out as one became many, and what was many became one. He could no longer tell what it was that was chasing him, no longer knew what it is he was running away from. All he knew was that it was not over.
Once in awhile he would catch a glimps of eyes red as fire, or feel the scaly skin brush against his arms, or the smell of something so foul no comparison can be made. Nothing could describe the horror he felt, nor the fear that grips his heart everytime the creature appears. Hard as he tries, he cant seem to shake off the demons that follow him. Every fiber within his body screams out in protest as fatigue sets in but he knows he has to keep running. It was his past, his present and his future. There was no way out.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Wake me up when July ends
You know you're reading too many blogs when u start typing soccernet.blogspot.com.
Anyway things have not been going as well as i wanted it to be. So many things and so little time. I promised myself not to procrastinate a long time ago and i was pretty surprised at myself for being able to keep that promise. Alas, as with all good things, it didnt last (ok...ok...so this saying isnt really appropriate). After that, i just lost all momentum that i had built up and now, its like i have a stalled car at the foot of a hill.
To add to that misery, i've just decided to work at my aunts company for 2 fucking long months. Ok so i did ask for it by not being able to complete my course the first time and now i've got to make up for lost time. And solectron is a good engineering company which will look good on my CV. But 2 fucking months...sigh. Anyway, i hope to have the time of my life once August comes because i'll need it. Hopefully the Thailand trip materialises!
Ok i think i should bring this topic back to its cheerful start so here's another story. I was surfing the net one day, reading blogs and checking stuff out while doing my work at the same time. It was getting pretty late, bout 2-3am and i was getting tired. Suddenly, there came this tiny laughter. I was freaked out! Looking around i was wondering if i really wanted to know where it came from. Then i heard it again. It sounded like babies giggling. At this point in time, weird thoughts were zipping through my mind at like a gazzilion miles per hour coming up with all sorts of explanation that were in the end just rubbish. Suddenly, i realised that it was coming from behing my monitor so i leaned in closer to listen. Of course the sound grew louder, and i realised that it was actually coming from my speakers behing it. Apparently some idiot friend of mine had nothing better to do then to post a vid of a mother with her multiple babies. The clip had finish loading and played automatically (-.-). Ok so not exactly a cheerful story, but its my blog so get use to it lol.
Anyway things have not been going as well as i wanted it to be. So many things and so little time. I promised myself not to procrastinate a long time ago and i was pretty surprised at myself for being able to keep that promise. Alas, as with all good things, it didnt last (ok...ok...so this saying isnt really appropriate). After that, i just lost all momentum that i had built up and now, its like i have a stalled car at the foot of a hill.
To add to that misery, i've just decided to work at my aunts company for 2 fucking long months. Ok so i did ask for it by not being able to complete my course the first time and now i've got to make up for lost time. And solectron is a good engineering company which will look good on my CV. But 2 fucking months...sigh. Anyway, i hope to have the time of my life once August comes because i'll need it. Hopefully the Thailand trip materialises!
Ok i think i should bring this topic back to its cheerful start so here's another story. I was surfing the net one day, reading blogs and checking stuff out while doing my work at the same time. It was getting pretty late, bout 2-3am and i was getting tired. Suddenly, there came this tiny laughter. I was freaked out! Looking around i was wondering if i really wanted to know where it came from. Then i heard it again. It sounded like babies giggling. At this point in time, weird thoughts were zipping through my mind at like a gazzilion miles per hour coming up with all sorts of explanation that were in the end just rubbish. Suddenly, i realised that it was coming from behing my monitor so i leaned in closer to listen. Of course the sound grew louder, and i realised that it was actually coming from my speakers behing it. Apparently some idiot friend of mine had nothing better to do then to post a vid of a mother with her multiple babies. The clip had finish loading and played automatically (-.-). Ok so not exactly a cheerful story, but its my blog so get use to it lol.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Lo Fever
Jason Lo
Impress Them
Sit down, take a seat
Take the weight off your feet
Let's talk about the good old times
Or even something interesting
Like how the world is not the same
in twenty years so much has changed
Except for us, still sitting here
Drinking P*** and eating Sh**
Bombs blow up but we dont care
Did you do something with your hair?
You're looking really cool today
Shall we go out tonight and see
All the people just like us
And we'll impress them because we must
We'll impress them because we must
Chill out and stress another day
And put those credit cards away
Your phone is ringing in my ear
That goddamn thing just makes me feel
Like i should tune my life to yours
I'm sorry if I've made you bored
Oh god, I'm feeling sick again
I need some super medicine
Like going out tonight to see
All the people just like me
And i'll impress them, you will see
I know, I know you dont know
All the people just like us
And we'll impress them because we must.
What truth he speaks!
Anyway, i'm finally the proud owner of Jason Lo's second cd. And even better is that the cd's original! Support your local artist man...lol. I was pretty surprised tho when i decided to go out and buy he's cd because i had to go to like 3 music store before i found one that actually had his cd's. No dont get me wrong, its not that those stores didnt sell Jason Lo, its just all 3 of them ran out of stock! Virgin, Rock Corner and Tower Records!! So i went to look for it at Speedy and guess what? I took the last cd they had! So its either the whole of malaysia is really getting into the local music scene (which is er...weird) or Lo's producers only came out with a limited supply of stock (which sucks). But all in all, it was a great buy. Although the album sounded abit unpolished, some of the songs in there were terrific. And at RM30.50 it was abit of a pinch for local supply but oh well...somebody's gotto eat right? So go check it out if u're thinking of buying a cd but not sure of who.
Impress Them
Sit down, take a seat
Take the weight off your feet
Let's talk about the good old times
Or even something interesting
Like how the world is not the same
in twenty years so much has changed
Except for us, still sitting here
Drinking P*** and eating Sh**
Bombs blow up but we dont care
Did you do something with your hair?
You're looking really cool today
Shall we go out tonight and see
All the people just like us
And we'll impress them because we must
We'll impress them because we must
Chill out and stress another day
And put those credit cards away
Your phone is ringing in my ear
That goddamn thing just makes me feel
Like i should tune my life to yours
I'm sorry if I've made you bored
Oh god, I'm feeling sick again
I need some super medicine
Like going out tonight to see
All the people just like me
And i'll impress them, you will see
I know, I know you dont know
All the people just like us
And we'll impress them because we must.
What truth he speaks!
Anyway, i'm finally the proud owner of Jason Lo's second cd. And even better is that the cd's original! Support your local artist man...lol. I was pretty surprised tho when i decided to go out and buy he's cd because i had to go to like 3 music store before i found one that actually had his cd's. No dont get me wrong, its not that those stores didnt sell Jason Lo, its just all 3 of them ran out of stock! Virgin, Rock Corner and Tower Records!! So i went to look for it at Speedy and guess what? I took the last cd they had! So its either the whole of malaysia is really getting into the local music scene (which is er...weird) or Lo's producers only came out with a limited supply of stock (which sucks). But all in all, it was a great buy. Although the album sounded abit unpolished, some of the songs in there were terrific. And at RM30.50 it was abit of a pinch for local supply but oh well...somebody's gotto eat right? So go check it out if u're thinking of buying a cd but not sure of who.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
Invasion of the Tribal Carnival
Carrefour (pronounce it care-four or carry-four, i dont give a damn) is one of the three main hypermarket thats recently sprouted like wild mushrooms after rain in Malaysia (When i say recently, i'm really saying about 4-5 years back so dont dish me about what the defination of recently is! ). Given the fact that we malaysians love our food, and adding the element of shopping to it, it really is no surprise that hypermarkets appear to be the ultimate saturday night hang-out spot for families, especially the large ones which includes ppl from the last 3 generations.
However, it is here that u can truly find the malaysian boleh spirit as well. Being loyal citizens as we are, it is astounding to what extend we will go to fulfill this aim. When i say malaysia boleh by the way, i really do mean 'boleh' to every single extend, be it rushing and shoving your way through people who actually bother to queue just to get the freshest batch of potato bread, or peeling the skins of onions just to see if its alright and not rotten inside. Yesterday however, has got to be the mother of all boleh spirit!
It seems that someone from the marketing department came up with the brilliant idea of placing pringles along side railings of the escalator as a marketing technique to get more people to buy more pringles. Unfortunately, they underestimated the power of boleh. It took just one customer to assume that the pringles placed there were a generous gift by Carrefour to be freely eaten. After that, it was a free for all as the pringles fought for their lives against the uneducated and the thick-skins (two cannibalistic tribes on planet Earth). I stared in horror at the aftermath of it all, cans of pringles that once stood tall and proud now line the rails with gaping holes at the top. Some even had their innards sucked out of them, then had their skins tucked back as best they could to hide this hideous act from preying eyes. Long live the boleh spirit!
However, it is here that u can truly find the malaysian boleh spirit as well. Being loyal citizens as we are, it is astounding to what extend we will go to fulfill this aim. When i say malaysia boleh by the way, i really do mean 'boleh' to every single extend, be it rushing and shoving your way through people who actually bother to queue just to get the freshest batch of potato bread, or peeling the skins of onions just to see if its alright and not rotten inside. Yesterday however, has got to be the mother of all boleh spirit!
It seems that someone from the marketing department came up with the brilliant idea of placing pringles along side railings of the escalator as a marketing technique to get more people to buy more pringles. Unfortunately, they underestimated the power of boleh. It took just one customer to assume that the pringles placed there were a generous gift by Carrefour to be freely eaten. After that, it was a free for all as the pringles fought for their lives against the uneducated and the thick-skins (two cannibalistic tribes on planet Earth). I stared in horror at the aftermath of it all, cans of pringles that once stood tall and proud now line the rails with gaping holes at the top. Some even had their innards sucked out of them, then had their skins tucked back as best they could to hide this hideous act from preying eyes. Long live the boleh spirit!
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Imperfection
I've come to realise that there are some people who gets emotional, verging on the edge of sentimental, whenever they write about themselves in private blogs. I guess i'm one of them.
Looking back at my life, i sometimes wonder what i'm doing and the paths that i've choosen. Most of the things that i've done, the sins committed, were mainly deeds that i did to try and define myself with. In the end, i'm left with a corpse that even i dont recognise. Right now, i would give anything to be able to turn back time. To right the wrongs that i've done, to undo the choices i'd made. But in trying to do so, each time i try to set things right, it always ends up screwed.
Lately i've been more than keen on going to church. As a child whos been brought up in church for all his life, i still find comfort in the divine no matter how hard i try to run away from it. Its like an unseen string which keeps pulling me back even through decades of hiding. And from there stems hope. Hope that maybe there is a purpose for me after all. Hope that God still has a plan for me even through all my imperfection. I use to hate the fact that i'd return to church only when the journey grew tough. I saw that as a sign of weakness, a need to depend on higher power when i could not solve my own problems. Maybe i thought wrong? Could it be that we have to go through rough patches in our lives just so that we can realise that we have to depend on someone else?
Obviously there were numerous reasons i gave myself to not trust in a God that was almighty. After all, how could one who created Earth not forsee the coming tribulations that the human race had to endure? And how miserably we would fail? How could one be so powerful, yet unable to intervene and stop war, hunger, depression, disasters and everything else that is unjust? How can one person be so perfect, while the one sitting next to him filled with flaws? And yet what is this flaw that we speak about? If truly heaven and hell exist, isnt all that we deem important really superficial compared to the fight for eternity? But still, we lust after what is fleeting, yearn for the things that only go skin deep - money, looks and popularity. While famine still spans across continents, we worry about growing fat. While war rages on, we worry about pimples. While people die of disease, earthquakes, and hurricanes, we worry about not wearing the latest fashion. Where is humanity?
I sometimes look at myself and ask God why did he make me the way he did, and the questions corroded my self-esteem. So i began giving myself reasons to not believe in Him. In true fact, it was i who was really blinded. Now i yearn to be the person i was before, but i've changed so much that i really cant find the old me anymore. The imperfections that i saw in the mirror were not really imperfections to start with. They were only reflections of the imperfections of the world. I had tried to change what was already perfect, already whole, and now i am left with a body scarred. I laugh at the foolishness of my actions through tears that streak down my cheek. It took me 22 years of my life to realise this. The irony of life and God was trying to tell us that from the very beginning.
My heart leaps for joy as i realise this. Suddenly it all becomes clear as words form through my fingers tapping on the keyboard but not coming from my own understanding. Knowledge is power, and to identify the problem is the first step to correction. However, just knowing isnt enough. Action has to be taken. I should go and talk to someone about my probles tomorrow. Oh how i know that. But fear grips me still. Am i really ready to change my life? To leave behind the burdens that chain me to the ground? Am i strong enough to refuse? To say no to the things that binds me? I admit this journey terrifies me, and i'm afraid to fall again. No doubt if things do not work out for the best, i will reach deeper depths than before. Only faith holds on, and faith is my only option now. I only hope for the best, and pray that i come out burned and scarred but victorious.
Looking back at my life, i sometimes wonder what i'm doing and the paths that i've choosen. Most of the things that i've done, the sins committed, were mainly deeds that i did to try and define myself with. In the end, i'm left with a corpse that even i dont recognise. Right now, i would give anything to be able to turn back time. To right the wrongs that i've done, to undo the choices i'd made. But in trying to do so, each time i try to set things right, it always ends up screwed.
Lately i've been more than keen on going to church. As a child whos been brought up in church for all his life, i still find comfort in the divine no matter how hard i try to run away from it. Its like an unseen string which keeps pulling me back even through decades of hiding. And from there stems hope. Hope that maybe there is a purpose for me after all. Hope that God still has a plan for me even through all my imperfection. I use to hate the fact that i'd return to church only when the journey grew tough. I saw that as a sign of weakness, a need to depend on higher power when i could not solve my own problems. Maybe i thought wrong? Could it be that we have to go through rough patches in our lives just so that we can realise that we have to depend on someone else?
Obviously there were numerous reasons i gave myself to not trust in a God that was almighty. After all, how could one who created Earth not forsee the coming tribulations that the human race had to endure? And how miserably we would fail? How could one be so powerful, yet unable to intervene and stop war, hunger, depression, disasters and everything else that is unjust? How can one person be so perfect, while the one sitting next to him filled with flaws? And yet what is this flaw that we speak about? If truly heaven and hell exist, isnt all that we deem important really superficial compared to the fight for eternity? But still, we lust after what is fleeting, yearn for the things that only go skin deep - money, looks and popularity. While famine still spans across continents, we worry about growing fat. While war rages on, we worry about pimples. While people die of disease, earthquakes, and hurricanes, we worry about not wearing the latest fashion. Where is humanity?
I sometimes look at myself and ask God why did he make me the way he did, and the questions corroded my self-esteem. So i began giving myself reasons to not believe in Him. In true fact, it was i who was really blinded. Now i yearn to be the person i was before, but i've changed so much that i really cant find the old me anymore. The imperfections that i saw in the mirror were not really imperfections to start with. They were only reflections of the imperfections of the world. I had tried to change what was already perfect, already whole, and now i am left with a body scarred. I laugh at the foolishness of my actions through tears that streak down my cheek. It took me 22 years of my life to realise this. The irony of life and God was trying to tell us that from the very beginning.
My heart leaps for joy as i realise this. Suddenly it all becomes clear as words form through my fingers tapping on the keyboard but not coming from my own understanding. Knowledge is power, and to identify the problem is the first step to correction. However, just knowing isnt enough. Action has to be taken. I should go and talk to someone about my probles tomorrow. Oh how i know that. But fear grips me still. Am i really ready to change my life? To leave behind the burdens that chain me to the ground? Am i strong enough to refuse? To say no to the things that binds me? I admit this journey terrifies me, and i'm afraid to fall again. No doubt if things do not work out for the best, i will reach deeper depths than before. Only faith holds on, and faith is my only option now. I only hope for the best, and pray that i come out burned and scarred but victorious.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Millennium Bug Flu
Today sucked. Had a test that i practically screwed and feeling as sick as ever. I'm just trying not to get paranoid but there has been emails going around in my uni about cases of TB and its hard not to draw the stupid conclusion when i have a few of the symptoms stated. Lets just hope its a case of paranoia or lots of ppl are gonna start feeling pretty ill too as TB is an airborn virus lol.
On to more sucky news, my poor computer is also on the verge of being scrap...or at least i think it is. Last night i woke up to the most awful beeping groan my computer could ever generate from its mechanical bowels as i left it on to download new series. I naturally did what any caring compasionate human would do - I unplugged the switch and went back to bed. Obviously i had the righ to be pissed! Not only does switching it off mean i dont get to finish downloading my series, it also means i have to start worrying about whats wrong with it...and i'm crap at computers. However, i managed to get it running again for the moment so lets just hope the problem goes away on its own.
Ok i'm tired of typing now so goodnight folks.
On to more sucky news, my poor computer is also on the verge of being scrap...or at least i think it is. Last night i woke up to the most awful beeping groan my computer could ever generate from its mechanical bowels as i left it on to download new series. I naturally did what any caring compasionate human would do - I unplugged the switch and went back to bed. Obviously i had the righ to be pissed! Not only does switching it off mean i dont get to finish downloading my series, it also means i have to start worrying about whats wrong with it...and i'm crap at computers. However, i managed to get it running again for the moment so lets just hope the problem goes away on its own.
Ok i'm tired of typing now so goodnight folks.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Like Rants and Rats
Its been a freaking long time since i last posted. Not that i did not have anything to post about, its just everytime i sit down and decide to start typing something i get some kind of writers block. Do i write about the bullshist in my life? Or my opinions on world events? Maybe alittle insight of what i've gained into the world of sports (whatever little that is).
Well, right now, i'm gonna just fuck it all and write anything and everything that pops into my mind or the next post will nvr come to be.
Yesterday was B's birthday party. Overall, i'd say it was alright because there were great people at the party. There was a certain period however, when everything came crumbling down for me and that was at the end. Funny how a certain comment for some people can just send you tumbling down an emotional tunnel. One minute you're on top of the world, the next you're in fucking indonesia (thats the lowest place anyone can be in, unless you're only there for vacation). It made me think back of all those times when my friends complained that i was too sensitive.
2 years back and the slightest word or action unintentional could piss me off so bad that i would actually disassociate myself from that person. I read into peoples action and usually came up with crazy conclusions that usually left me out and alone in the cold while there rest of the group remained oblivious to whats happening. I swore nvr to be that person again. Someone told me this, 'You dont owe anybody anything, and everybody owes you nothing'.
Thus began a life of not giving a fuck about anybody began. I used to care and expected the same in return, but it rarely happened. So its better to just not bother. That way, i wont end up hurt. Just recently, my best friends grandfather just passed away. I nvr knew the extend of his grief till today after reading his blog. I did not realised the tears that he shed nor the saddness that clung to his heart. Everytime i called him during those days when his granddad was in hospital, i assumed he was just dying to get out of that place to hang out with us again. Insolent idiot! Even the condolence i offered to him was half-hearted and half-felt. I did not even bother to remember to say a simple word of 'I sorry' to his mum when we met a few weeks later. When did this monster become me, and where is the i in me. Is this the me that i want to be?
Another friend lost his mum to cancer, and i made sure nvr to mention mum or cancer around him. While others didnt really bother, i made sure nvr to talk about it because he didnt want to. Someone else writes in his blog about emotions that troubles him. I nvr bother to ask a simple 'How are you'. Things i would have done without hesitation, i now dont give a fuck.
Now the group is starting a joke that really pisses me off. Of course its just a joke, but i really cant stand it anymore. Do i change again because of this? When will the I start and the not me begin? I'm tired of it all. Tired of always being cautious, tired of change. But most of all, i'm getting confused. Maybe its time to just change everything. I used to find solace in solitude. Perhaps now is the right time to withdraw again. To concentrate on my studies and hope a bright future with a great job will change everything and allow the I in me to change as well.
Well, right now, i'm gonna just fuck it all and write anything and everything that pops into my mind or the next post will nvr come to be.
Yesterday was B's birthday party. Overall, i'd say it was alright because there were great people at the party. There was a certain period however, when everything came crumbling down for me and that was at the end. Funny how a certain comment for some people can just send you tumbling down an emotional tunnel. One minute you're on top of the world, the next you're in fucking indonesia (thats the lowest place anyone can be in, unless you're only there for vacation). It made me think back of all those times when my friends complained that i was too sensitive.
2 years back and the slightest word or action unintentional could piss me off so bad that i would actually disassociate myself from that person. I read into peoples action and usually came up with crazy conclusions that usually left me out and alone in the cold while there rest of the group remained oblivious to whats happening. I swore nvr to be that person again. Someone told me this, 'You dont owe anybody anything, and everybody owes you nothing'.
Thus began a life of not giving a fuck about anybody began. I used to care and expected the same in return, but it rarely happened. So its better to just not bother. That way, i wont end up hurt. Just recently, my best friends grandfather just passed away. I nvr knew the extend of his grief till today after reading his blog. I did not realised the tears that he shed nor the saddness that clung to his heart. Everytime i called him during those days when his granddad was in hospital, i assumed he was just dying to get out of that place to hang out with us again. Insolent idiot! Even the condolence i offered to him was half-hearted and half-felt. I did not even bother to remember to say a simple word of 'I sorry' to his mum when we met a few weeks later. When did this monster become me, and where is the i in me. Is this the me that i want to be?
Another friend lost his mum to cancer, and i made sure nvr to mention mum or cancer around him. While others didnt really bother, i made sure nvr to talk about it because he didnt want to. Someone else writes in his blog about emotions that troubles him. I nvr bother to ask a simple 'How are you'. Things i would have done without hesitation, i now dont give a fuck.
Now the group is starting a joke that really pisses me off. Of course its just a joke, but i really cant stand it anymore. Do i change again because of this? When will the I start and the not me begin? I'm tired of it all. Tired of always being cautious, tired of change. But most of all, i'm getting confused. Maybe its time to just change everything. I used to find solace in solitude. Perhaps now is the right time to withdraw again. To concentrate on my studies and hope a bright future with a great job will change everything and allow the I in me to change as well.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Drunken Post
Hurrah! This will be the first drunken tipsy post of the blog. In my humble opinion, every blog should have one.
Ok so i'm not exactly drunk. The fact that i'm still able to write this should be a small indication, plus the perfect spelling (you dont know how many times i've hit the backspace button) and correct grammar usage, i guess i'm not that drunk after all. Even if i am, its the eve of the eve of christmas, so i have a valid excuse to be. Technically its really the eve of christmas now but fuck technicalities, i cant be bothered.
So i finally made that call to her. She was my best friend who stood by me thick and thin. I guess i'm using past tense here because we had a fall out recently. Come to think of it, i have a feeling that i'm cutting off all my old friends subconsciously. Anyway, she called me one day when i was high on drugs and i kindda lied to her about my whereabouts. Made some lame excuse that i'm out with my parents but unfortunately she called my house first before she made that call to my cell. Too bad my mum picked up the phone. You can never run away from lies. They run too fast and catch up to u eventually. A long story short (i cant really be bothered to write a long story now, especially since i'm hitting too many wrong buttons now) she got pissed that i lied, i got pissed that she got pissed and got pissed at myself that it spoilt my journey towards paradise, and now we're barely talking.
She was supposed to meet up with us today for some drinks but she had something to do before that (as usual). By the time she was coming (it could be cumming, a bunch of us were debating if that was what she meant cos she took a blardy long time in reaching) half the group had left and the other half, me included, were already tipsy and ready to start scavanging for food. Bad news tho was that she kindda met an accident while trying to find where we were. Wasnt a big deal, just a slight bump on her rear bumper, but she had lost all mood of hanging out so she headed back home. I gave her a call to make sure she was alright and we chatted alittle. Funny how we were once so close that i could confide in her my every problem to the minute detail and now a single phone call seems so hard.
We use to have talks about how we're going to meet up when we're all fifties and look back at old times and the memories we once shared. Honestly, i cant wait to grow old and look back at my life and figure out the reasons for all those bumps along the road. I always believe that we're all destined for something in life, that there is a purpose for our existance. What else is there to live for if not for that one sole purpose we were placed on this earth. There has to be much more to living then just earning a living and then dying. I'll rather just skip to the dying part then.
I've had plenty of time to think my life through...and i've finally decided what i'm gonna do with mine (or at least for the next 5 years of it). Theres gonna be 2 more years of studying, this time i'm gonna fucking get my degree. Then its off to work onboard a ship in the engine room for a year. After that, 2 years onboard an oilrig. I cant wait for life to finally start. But for now, its off to bed first because i'm gonna pass out anytime soon. Good night and Merry Christmas.
Ok so i'm not exactly drunk. The fact that i'm still able to write this should be a small indication, plus the perfect spelling (you dont know how many times i've hit the backspace button) and correct grammar usage, i guess i'm not that drunk after all. Even if i am, its the eve of the eve of christmas, so i have a valid excuse to be. Technically its really the eve of christmas now but fuck technicalities, i cant be bothered.
So i finally made that call to her. She was my best friend who stood by me thick and thin. I guess i'm using past tense here because we had a fall out recently. Come to think of it, i have a feeling that i'm cutting off all my old friends subconsciously. Anyway, she called me one day when i was high on drugs and i kindda lied to her about my whereabouts. Made some lame excuse that i'm out with my parents but unfortunately she called my house first before she made that call to my cell. Too bad my mum picked up the phone. You can never run away from lies. They run too fast and catch up to u eventually. A long story short (i cant really be bothered to write a long story now, especially since i'm hitting too many wrong buttons now) she got pissed that i lied, i got pissed that she got pissed and got pissed at myself that it spoilt my journey towards paradise, and now we're barely talking.
She was supposed to meet up with us today for some drinks but she had something to do before that (as usual). By the time she was coming (it could be cumming, a bunch of us were debating if that was what she meant cos she took a blardy long time in reaching) half the group had left and the other half, me included, were already tipsy and ready to start scavanging for food. Bad news tho was that she kindda met an accident while trying to find where we were. Wasnt a big deal, just a slight bump on her rear bumper, but she had lost all mood of hanging out so she headed back home. I gave her a call to make sure she was alright and we chatted alittle. Funny how we were once so close that i could confide in her my every problem to the minute detail and now a single phone call seems so hard.
We use to have talks about how we're going to meet up when we're all fifties and look back at old times and the memories we once shared. Honestly, i cant wait to grow old and look back at my life and figure out the reasons for all those bumps along the road. I always believe that we're all destined for something in life, that there is a purpose for our existance. What else is there to live for if not for that one sole purpose we were placed on this earth. There has to be much more to living then just earning a living and then dying. I'll rather just skip to the dying part then.
I've had plenty of time to think my life through...and i've finally decided what i'm gonna do with mine (or at least for the next 5 years of it). Theres gonna be 2 more years of studying, this time i'm gonna fucking get my degree. Then its off to work onboard a ship in the engine room for a year. After that, 2 years onboard an oilrig. I cant wait for life to finally start. But for now, its off to bed first because i'm gonna pass out anytime soon. Good night and Merry Christmas.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Guess its kindda like my life
I played tennis yesterday and now my ass hurts...dont ask. Serves me right because i was watching a tennis game on ESPN feat Hewitt just hours before we were gonna play. Naturally, when i got on court, i decided that maybe i wasnt too late for the ATP Tour tryouts and that playing pro couldnt be that hard. Of course i spent bout an hour just picking up balls that barely lasted 4 strokes per game (in my defence, the other guy i was playing against danced to swan-lake in a tutu on his toes better then he hit balls too...lol), but thats besides the point. The point is that i forgot to stretch my hamstrings and now my ass hurts, which i did tell u not to ask so i'm sorry i ever wrote this in the first place.
Anyway, moving along from hurting asses, I finally watched Narnia today. Might have been nicer if i had went with friends instead of my parents cos of how long it is, but my mum has been bugging me to bring her and we've not watched a movie together for bout 4 years now. Besides, it might help get me that pair of jeans i want from Guess for christmas...lol.
I had to admit that i was alittle edgy tho when we first entered the cinema because there were like this whole bunch of kids occupying the entire row behind and beside us. I generally hate noisy people in cinemas, except if they laugh, then thats excusable cos i do that all the time. I was practically fucking laughing the whole time i watched King Kong and friends ( i believe that the rest deserves equal recognition especially the bugs! ) that i kindda forgot it was a sad movie. Whats up with that girl that even a fucking T-rex would give up a nice fresh juicy giant iguana for her? Whatever rocks ur boat man. However, I guess with all the island girls as options, i would choose Naomi Watts anytime of the day. I did like one particular scene where they were filming onboard with the setting sun as the backdrop and she kinds of drifts off when she saw Jack Driscoll. But there were a few loopholes in the movie which i'm kindda lazy to type so i guess you'll just have to go see it for yourselves.
Note to self : Learn how to post pics
So i think its safe to say that there goes two more days of wasted idle spending. Not a word of studying done yet. But i am definately going to the gym tomorrow tho. Somehow faltered in my diet plans today and ate some unimaginably oily but increadibly delicious Hokkien mee. At this rate, my six pack is gonna be but a dream. How the fuck do guys actually get THAT ripped like in those billboards? Ah well, thats one more dream to add on to the wish-list. I bet that i would be showing more results tho if i actually had a gym partner who knows what to do because i have absolutely no idea of what i'm doing. I just go around trying to see what other people do and pick things up here and there. Guess its kindda like my life. Until i pick up all the puzzle and piece them together, I'm not gonna see the big picture.
Anyway, moving along from hurting asses, I finally watched Narnia today. Might have been nicer if i had went with friends instead of my parents cos of how long it is, but my mum has been bugging me to bring her and we've not watched a movie together for bout 4 years now. Besides, it might help get me that pair of jeans i want from Guess for christmas...lol.
I had to admit that i was alittle edgy tho when we first entered the cinema because there were like this whole bunch of kids occupying the entire row behind and beside us. I generally hate noisy people in cinemas, except if they laugh, then thats excusable cos i do that all the time. I was practically fucking laughing the whole time i watched King Kong and friends ( i believe that the rest deserves equal recognition especially the bugs! ) that i kindda forgot it was a sad movie. Whats up with that girl that even a fucking T-rex would give up a nice fresh juicy giant iguana for her? Whatever rocks ur boat man. However, I guess with all the island girls as options, i would choose Naomi Watts anytime of the day. I did like one particular scene where they were filming onboard with the setting sun as the backdrop and she kinds of drifts off when she saw Jack Driscoll. But there were a few loopholes in the movie which i'm kindda lazy to type so i guess you'll just have to go see it for yourselves.
Note to self : Learn how to post pics
So i think its safe to say that there goes two more days of wasted idle spending. Not a word of studying done yet. But i am definately going to the gym tomorrow tho. Somehow faltered in my diet plans today and ate some unimaginably oily but increadibly delicious Hokkien mee. At this rate, my six pack is gonna be but a dream. How the fuck do guys actually get THAT ripped like in those billboards? Ah well, thats one more dream to add on to the wish-list. I bet that i would be showing more results tho if i actually had a gym partner who knows what to do because i have absolutely no idea of what i'm doing. I just go around trying to see what other people do and pick things up here and there. Guess its kindda like my life. Until i pick up all the puzzle and piece them together, I'm not gonna see the big picture.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Musing
So i knew that when the christmas hols started, i would have approximately 3 weeks to revise all that i'm supposed to know for exams, which starts in mid january. I also comforted myself during those times i'd skip miss lectures that i'll make up for it when the hols comes. Or that i'll just study harder for the next test. I guess that was how i fucked up miserably for my first degree. And at the rate i'm going, its gonna be deja-vu. God i hate procrastinating.
Just came back. Was supposed to be out till 12 max but its fucking 4am now.
Picked up a good friend from work and went to his house. He was gonna eat his dinner and then we were heading out to meet others. What a mistake! The moment we stepped into his house, his mum started screaming her head off at him. I guess he was right when he said it came from nowhere, but she started shouting at him about what he was doing with his life and the losers he was mixing with (yup thats me alright). We've always gotten along, me and his mum. But today she started saying things that really striked me as true. It was as good a wake up call as any others the things she said, although not directed at me. I guess what really pissed me off was not about the insults indirectly directed at me, but the fact that it was true. How fucked up can you be when your best friends mum thinks you're a loser. Pathetic.
I'd made up my mind when i created this blog that it wasnt gonna be one of those whiney one's i've created in the past. No more stories about how fucked up this world is. No more drama's about depression (tho i have to thank a special stranger who helped me along the way). No more excuses!
I guess i want to know that there's hope. A hope that there's still time to pick up the pieces and move on. As Hawkings said, "We are very very small. But we are profoundly capable of very very big things". I pray to God that there will be a reason to my existance at the end of this journey. Better things will come tomorrow.
Just came back. Was supposed to be out till 12 max but its fucking 4am now.
Picked up a good friend from work and went to his house. He was gonna eat his dinner and then we were heading out to meet others. What a mistake! The moment we stepped into his house, his mum started screaming her head off at him. I guess he was right when he said it came from nowhere, but she started shouting at him about what he was doing with his life and the losers he was mixing with (yup thats me alright). We've always gotten along, me and his mum. But today she started saying things that really striked me as true. It was as good a wake up call as any others the things she said, although not directed at me. I guess what really pissed me off was not about the insults indirectly directed at me, but the fact that it was true. How fucked up can you be when your best friends mum thinks you're a loser. Pathetic.
I'd made up my mind when i created this blog that it wasnt gonna be one of those whiney one's i've created in the past. No more stories about how fucked up this world is. No more drama's about depression (tho i have to thank a special stranger who helped me along the way). No more excuses!
I guess i want to know that there's hope. A hope that there's still time to pick up the pieces and move on. As Hawkings said, "We are very very small. But we are profoundly capable of very very big things". I pray to God that there will be a reason to my existance at the end of this journey. Better things will come tomorrow.
The Start of A Journal
This will be the third time i'm starting a blog and hopefully its gonna last.
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