Obsession

You know you're obsessed when you watch porn but pay more attention to the wall colour of the room.

Have.to.stop.thinking.about.that.place!

...or at least for another 6 months or so :)

Recap I: Work

Wonder if anyone still comes here? Hmm...

Anyway, just felt like ranting after eons of not opening blogger. Things have been pretty ok. Have gotten to find out few things about myself - somewhat closer to a definitive plan in terms of career. Its always been a struggle with the job. Sometimes I feel on top of the world and at times I sink to the lowest valley. I wonder if I'm being too hard on myself in terms of performance. So far the people around me have been saying I've done a good job but I wonder if its out of politeness, a sense of lowered expectation or plain truth. Its hard to see the things that I've done as anything out of the ordinary that deserves compliments or praises. Its these moments of insecurities that often gets me down and depressed. And yet some other side of me screams why cant I just accept those compliments graciously and not question myself at every turn?

And then there's the problem with the company itself. The very core of the company is filled with politics, a fear of accepting responsibilities and laziness. And furthur fueled by the stories of distrust and an unappreciative employer by my CEO's secretrary herself, I really wonder how long should I stay in this company. I was told by a colleague that to survive this company one has to be able to adapt to its environment. So far the only thing I'm adapting to here is the slow pace of work, the ability to log on facebook with a straight work-face and to 'snake' for very long tea-breaks. Hell even my boss comes in an hour and a half late to work everyday. And when I talk about the guiltiness I feel during tea breaks with colleagues, they tell me I'm not adapted yet :S I really dont want to continue with this routine of laziness, least it becomes part of me!! And yet...I know I will definately miss the relaxing attitude that the company practices.

Oh well, I guess when the time is right I will move on.

This post is here because livejournal just wont load

I need help...I'm becoming emotionally numb.


Oh and I hate how slow livejournal is...a non-emotional kindda way.

My Dear Friend

My dear friend i've missed you so
although regret i've never shown
The adventures that we have shared
the joy of us just being there
We laugh back at those times
Oh but what precious memories
They were for me

There's so much i want to say,
There's so much i want to tell,
The need for you to understand
The me that i've become.
But words are hard to come
and facing you is harder still
And so i let our friendship fade
but worse was that i hurt you too

At times i think back on 'our long walks
with talks of future, relationships and God
And all the funny things that we used to do
like jumping on the bed, n breaking my tooth
Or what about the time when we,
played badminton and smashed the lights?
Only things that two of us could do

If only i could be, the friend you want of me
provide you comfort when you cry
Or be a companion by your side
A lunch date perhaps, or dinner at night?
Called you more often and make you laugh?
Or maybe what you really wanted
Was for me to be
a friend, nothing more,
just a friend

But all i have now are words
and all i can do is apologize
And truly i'm sorry for what i've done
and more so i'm sorry for what i've not
Cos believe me when i say this
losing your friendship was hard on me
So maybe what i really need to do
Is say sorry for not being strong enough,

for me and you.

~k

Hey Britney, Step Aside

If anyone thought Britney's new album Circus was 'da bomb, they obviously have not been to Malaysia. Our political situation right now will totally 'pawn' the daylights out of her.

There, I've done my part to promote tourism in Malaysia.

Now if only the fucking recession will just stop. Its pissing me off that I have to sacrifice shopping!

'There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe'

Jatuh Ditimpa Tangga

Of late I've been acting moody and cranky for no apparent reason. And of course its driving him crazy. If I were of the opposite sex, things would be much easier to explain. Unfortunately I'm not.

And I have no idea about my mood swings either. Of course I know the triggers to them, but of late I'm being sensitive to a lot of things. Now I have a feeling that they were preludes to something worse. Like a harbinger of bad news. And then I receive that phone call!

I hate recession!

Its just so disappointing to receive such news so near the festive seasons. One less thing to be thankful for.

My heart literally stopped when I received the news. I heard what she was saying, but my mind was actually still at 'I'm sorry to inform you...'. And I can truly say I understand the meaning of sorely disappointed now. Even 5 hours later as I was walking towards my car, I half expected/hoped that someone would call back saying it was all a joke. I guess its just bad timing.

One thing I can be thankful for is still having my current job.

Plus I get to go for my KK trip after all.

Maybe this Christmas its time to be thankful for the present and not the future.


Ps: Anyone know if its legal for a company to retract back the offer letter after both parties have signed?

Mirror mirror on the wall

Dating a salesman is tough. You'll never know if he's absolutely lying, partially truthful, or completely honest.

Worst part is they cover their tracks so well.

I guess this is one of the hiccups in my relationship :(

Kev is

relieved that the renovation has finally started.

excited at the prospect of his new bathroom.

upset about not getting anything from the converse sale.

depressed at the lack of money to spend.

happy at the pressies he's bought.

facebooking way too much.

Beware of Fakes

Oh yeah?

Well fuck u too bitch!

Cause I Miss You

Shontelle
T-Shirt

Try'na decide Try'na decide
If I really wanna go out tonight
I never used to go out without ya
Not sure I remember how ta

Gonna be late Gonna be late
But, all my girls don't have to wait 'cause
I dont know if I like my outfit
I tried everything in my closet

Nothin feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Takin them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on

Hey

Gotta be strong gotta be strong but Im
Really hurtin now that you're gone
I thought maybe I'd do some shopping
But I couldnt get past the door and

Now I dont know, now I dont know If Im
Ever really gonna let you go
And I couldnt even leave my apartment
I'm stripped down, torn up about it

Nothin feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Takin them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin' you

Im'a step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
('cause I missed you, 'cause I missed you)
With nothing but your T-shirt on
(said I missed you ... baby)

Now I dont know, now I dont know If Im
Ever really gonna let you go
And I couldnt even leave my apartment I'm stripped down, torn up about it

Nothing feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

Nothing feels right when Im not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off 'cause I feel a fool
Try'na dress up when Im missin you

Imma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay

With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on
With nothing but your T-shirt on

nothing but your t-shirt on
ooh let me tell you no
nothing but your t-shirt on
ooh let me tell you no
nothing but your t-shirt on

_______________________________________

I really hope they call this Friday.

The Wish

Sometimes I wish that love mattered. Only love. And nothing else would ever trump that.

Sadly, thats not the case most of the time. Sadly, we humans place more importance in things like religion and respect. Sadly, things like 'face' and dignity and honor comes way above love. And love is shoved in a corner, alone and forgotten.

I want to make my mum understand that what I have with him is just plain and simple love. Just as she fell in love with dad, so too do I want to fall in love with the man that's made for me. But I'm tired of all the fights - the yelling and the screaming. Even the tears. But worst of all, I'm tired of fighting against God.

To be honest, how can I ever win if ultimately God is brought into the picture? No matter how I try to see in another perspective, the Word is clear. And what I share with him is...forbidden.

Ever since I embarked on this journey, every step has been stony and uneven. The road I choose never gave one a moment's rest. And I'm so tired.

I have a dream. A dream that one day mum, dad, me and him could go to church together. A dream where I could freely worship without being discriminated. That we could have dinner at home and laugh at jokes, to talk about things that happened during the day and share our thoughts and opinions. And then gather round the tele for a movie...as a family. That Christmas would be a joyous occasion with everyone gathered round the tree and opening their presents.

Instead, all we have now are superficial banter about useless things. Safe things. Things that stay away from topics of relationships, marriage or family. And then there's the secretivity of trips and the when/what-time-are-you-coming-back's. I mean for fucks sake just say when you're leaving for your trip and when r u coming back! You think I'll only do 'wrong' things when you're gone?!

So if I could get one wish this Christmas to come true, I wish for love and all that love brings. Because God knows this world needs so much more then what we have of it right now. I wish that angels hear the cry of a boy and brings this simple request to the foot of the One that created heaven and earth. And then maybe, just maybe, this Christmas would be the best one ever.

Random Musing

Ok so I tried to make the shift from blogspot to livejournal. Didnt really like it there tho. Too many functions and gadgets and whats-nots. Maybe I'm just an old fashion kindda guy, liking my blog to just be that - a blog.

I guess the one upside that livejournal has is the friends only function. At least there I get to choose who gets to view what. Blogspot has always been a very public place in my opinion. You'll never know who's lurking behind that IP address. One only hopes to not out himself to someone you're not suppose to!

Anyway its been ages, once again, since I last blogged. I would love to blame it all on work and the lack of time thereof, but I know the truth is that I've actually lost the discipline to write. Been reading up on some of my old post and man, do I feel waves of nostalgia hitting me. How I miss some of those times! I read an article recently and it said that memory was the most precious thing us humans have. Without memories, we would have nothing to live for. How true is that, huh!

Well just to share a little gossip with you (and also for me own memory :P), me and the bf went to a gay massage last weekend for the first time. After hours of research and reading up forums on how these things go, we finally thought we were ready and knew what to expect. Evidently not! No hanky-panky stuff happened during the massage but man, at the sauna was a whole different story. Suffice to say, it was exciting yet dodgy. Wouldnt mind doing it again tho :P We're planning another trip but perhaps to a different massage place cos the one we went to gave me backache the next day :S

Oh and I'm in the process of quitting smoking too. Stopped about 5 months back with a few relapse but currently back on track. Man i have to admit, I really dont want to quit. I remember all those times where I would just step out to my balcony for a puff after a hard day, a retreat to my little private corner. Smoking always gave me a moment to clear my head - that 5 minutes of quiet solitude when i can just relax and not think about anything in particular. I guess there's also that certain amount of sex appeal that I'm missing. Sex doesnt feel complete now without that cigarette at the finale :S Anyho...wish me luck. I guess I just concentrate on the moolah that I'll be saving!

Goodbye

Hey guys...thanks for your feedback n sorry i'm so shit in replying comments. I'll be moving to livejournal from now on. Those interested in my pathetic life can ask me for my add..lol

It was a good journey but a new chapter awaits

Sometimes

Sometimes I just wish you'd show a little more interest in me. Like when I told you about the huge issue at work, I wished you'd ask me to elaborate. Instead you just continued on with you. And I'm left wishing.

Leona

If Rihanna's Take A Bow is the ultimate break-up song this season, then Leona Lewis's Better In Time is the perfect band-aid.

Btw, dont judge Leona by Bleeding Love. Tho the song was great and all, it didnt really show this girls potential. To know how good she really is, go check out youtube clips on X-Factor where she was discovered. Then you'll have respect for this girl.

Contra Mechanism

My body is a funny thing. I used to be able to do 40 push-ups in a set but not carry more then 10kg in a bench press. Now i'm able to bench press about 25kgs but not able to do more then 20 push-ups anymore.

:S

Anyone know why?

Freedom? NOT!

I'm devastated! Not only am i gonna miss the 3 days Labour Day party, I gonna have to give Freedom PD a miss too! Ok so i dont really mind Labours Day cos frankly speaking...i've not yet obtained that elusive six pack and i dont wanna appear in anything less than fabulous LOL (oh my the inner diva speaks :P) But to miss 3 huge names in Freedom is just soul crushing. Why oh why didnt they just let me finish 4 days earlier!?!?!?!?! And i have the feeling that everyone will be so partied out that nobodys gonna accompany me on my drunken escapades anymore after that :(

Take A Bow

I absolutely adore Rihanna's new song, Take A Bow. Call me a cynic but i have a feeling its gonna be popular amongst the gay community :)

Just hope i wont have to sing it one day

Don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show
Really had me goin',
Now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closin',
That was quite a show
Very entertaining,
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow

Melancholy

Yearning to appreciate the past
Cos what we had was good
And time has passed us by so fast
But in your town i saw, once stood

Broken Hearts, Broken Lives

Hillsongs
So You Would Come

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

_________________________________________

They played this song yesterday at the Easter presentation. Such a beautiful song. I remember it as one of my favorites when i was young. Each words so true that it embodied all my struggles. It still does.

Suddenly, i find myself asking 'What am I living for?'

Its true i constantly find myself battling between choices. It isnt the fact that one road is worn and well-used while the other less traveled, but more so that both roads are equally winding and have consequences that will hurt the people that I love very much. And both choices will hurt me eventually.

Today someone told me i'm very lucky to be attached to such a great guy. I wonder if thats really true. After all, i might end up breaking his heart. Sometimes one is pushed to do things that he does not want to. I've tried to push matters aside for as long as i can, but i can only delay what has to eventually be decided. The worst part is my heart is also unsure. If you ask me, i think that he's unlucky to be attached to me.

I used to ask God, 'If you did not want me this way, why make me like this? I certainly did not choose this path. It chose me.'

And in my quiet moments, the answer actually came to me. It wasnt one that i liked, certainly not one i hoped to hear, but the quiet voice in my head said 'God did the same thing. He came down to die for your mistakes. He could have easily turned his face from you, and yet he came.'

Because of His great love
He gave His only Son

Another chapter of my life is about to be complete. The pages have been written, and the conclusion almost made. I have to decide soon of how i want to start the next chapter of my life. I pray for wisdom and courage.